Smile

I didn't sleep until 4:30am today. I returned from Wing Chun at about 11:30pm, and told myself I would shower and pack and get some sleep so I wouldn't miss class and my plane the next morning.

What I ended up doing was procrastinating until 3:00am in the morning, until I finally decided that I wanted to spend some time with my girlfriend before I left for Fremont. I seem to just stop functioning without her now. When I have nothing to do, my mind starts to wander to her. I remember a time when I disliked so much attention, so much time together. I felt like I couldn't do anything I wanted to because I always had to worry about her. Now, I have a sudden emptiness when she isn't there. I don't think for myself like I used to, or enjoy things because I want to. I think about US and not ME. I don't say this with frustration or relief - as a comment, only.

I woke up at 6:30am and showered, so that I could have one last breakfast with her. The dining halls open at 7:00am, but I have a class at 7:30am. She didn't sleep at all, I think. I hope she is doing okay. She is probably asleep - I'm tired myself.

On the plane ride to San Francisco, I sat next to a really classy lady. I think she was in her mid-20s. She was pretty much what I expected a white, classy woman to be like: well done make-up, stylish clothing, smooth skin and lightly perfumed. (She also reminded me a lot of Jennifer.) I wonder what she thought of me the whole flight. I wasn't attracted to her - I prefer Asians mostly - but I certainly was in a little bit of awe. And self-conscious. But there's not much to be done about that. Do I ever wish I was better off? Fit, healthy, toned, good looking? Of course.

Of course.

When I got home, I realized I had nothing to do. No plans, nothing to do. Nothing to eat, even. It was near 1:30pm, and I hadn't eaten since 7:00am. I was hoping to go out for dinner with my family... my dad's birthday was last Thursday but he postponed so that we could all go eat when I came back for Thanksgiving. But he called me later and told me we were going to my Grandma's and so the dinner was a no-go. Disappointed, but it meant I could do other things. Towards 3:00pm, I called Jonathan because I had absolutely no one else to hang out with. He seemed pretty inclined, to which later I found out was because he spent his entire week doing nothing. I normally would've hung out with Jenny and whoever she decided to bring along (usually Janine), but she said she was studying the whole day. Sure enough, not 5 minutes after I finished calling Jon, Jenny called and asked if I wanted to hang out. I was tempted to, but I told Jon I would come over so I declined. As I was walking to Jon's house, it occurred to me that I was hungry. Not that it was a new revelation, but that I merely forgotten. I decided to ask Jenny if she was hungry, and if so, we could all go eat.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother. Between Jon and Jenny and Janine (whoa, 3 J's...), it was more complicated than simply going to Jon's house to crap my pants (read: play Fatal Frame). We took a long time to decide where we wanted to go eat, because Jon wasn't hungry, Janine just wanted Starbucks (she mooched off Jenny anyway) and Jenny wanted fries from Wingstop and Chipotle. I was deciding between Panda Express and Ohana's, but after mooching off Jenny's fries I decided to go to Ohana's. It was almost 5:30pm when Jenny had to go home abruptly. I was a little disappointed that we didn't spend that much time together. After all it really had only been 2 hours or so, and I don't really know when I'll see them next.

It's hard to smile. To smile and pretend that everything's okay; that nothing in the world ever bothers you. Is it a guy thing? To show no emotions? No, I'd say not - more like hiding your emotions. Girls do that too. To convince everyone you're happy when deep down you feel like crying. Like curling up and just... stop. Stop thinking, stop feeling. And just sleep. Forget it all, even if only for a little while. It's worse when it's nobody's fault but your own. That your very unhappiness is self-imposed.

I'm reminded of my high school life. I thought those times were all behind me, but they never really go away. They just resurface in a different context. I had walked home once, and could barely keep myself from crying. Why? That's something else entirely. Not that I cried much back then. I cry more now; I wonder why is that.

I'm starting to sound like Gloria. She called me a while back and left me a voice message. I haven't called her back yet. I don't know how to respond to her anymore.