Humility + Integrity (old draft)

I was watching myself play guitar on YouTube and felt very embarassed. Most of the comments were favorable for what I still think is a subpar performance. I am not going to link to those videos here, nor shall I ever actively do so, but it is simple enough to search my name on YouTube, if you are really interested.

You might wonder why I keep them up. It is a reasonable question - if I am so embarassed, why not just remove them? I have removed personal information from the internet before (two Xanga accounts, my Facebook), but very few people frequent those pages, if at all. Letting them mothball on some web server somewhere might one day come back to hurt me, considering how sensitive some of that information was.

A lot of people (or maybe, the same few people) have viewed my videos. Some are more embarassing than others, but at the time, I was going to showcase all the songs I knew on YouTube. I was proud of playing guitar, especially since few others deviated from strumming and linking chords together. But very few of my friends were impressed, I think, with my performance. They have usually never heard of the songs I play, and listen with polite interest. It does not rile them up as much as someone playing their favorite pop song while singing the lyrics.

The internet was a much easier audience to entertain - especially those who could appreciate it. I was surprised to see that a song or two I thought very simple meant a lot to some people. I believe they still listen on a typical basis, so for those I leave my videos up.

I have not played as much as I used to. Perhaps I have lost interest, but I mainly blame college. Growing up. I do not remember the last time I enjoyed a relaxing summer.

(old draft - revised for publication)

A while back, I was late to my class (as usual). The reason I am perpetually late is because I have to walk about 0.7 miles across campus within 8 or 9 minutes. I arrived at the lecture hall behind a girl who was also in my class.

Lecture halls, for those of you not well versed in college life yet, are huge. There may be over a hundred to a hundred and fifty students. I certainly did not know this girl, nor did she me. Nevertheless, she held the door open for me to go in first.

Has it been so long since I have seen kindness from other people? That I was taken aback at her gesture speaks volume. College students, I have come to conclude, are one of the worst people in the world. Loud, obnoxious, arrogant, ignorant, inconsiderate, short-sighted... if I could go on, I would, but it would no doubt fill the entire Internet. It is depressing, sometimes, to have to live in such a toxic atmosphere. It weighs down on you; it makes you think it's okay to be like them.

Perhaps this is the change Jenny referred to years ago. It is hard not to change when you're surrounded by people who challenge your every moral fiber. Who cheat and drink and smoke, who waste money irresponsibly; who are irresponsible themselves and to their families who put them in college. It is certainly NOT okay to be like them. Were I so blinded in youth that I missed the signs? Where were we four years ago? Did we think it okay to ever drink? It is not narrow-mindedness that precludes this accusation, but moral integrity.

I admit I have changed, too, but only to seclude myself from such people. I have become more withdrawn and disinterested with the general populace and their wellbeing.

It would be simple to declare that I have no more interest in the world itself; that humanity is naught but a gigantic cesspool of college students. Daniel and I discussed this as well. But ultimately, there is a world beyond college. No doubt a world equally, if not more, depressing as college was, but still unknown.

I eyed her curiously throughout the first part of lecture, but did not pursue. In retrospect, I wonder if she would have been another being I dare call a friend in this world, but it is moot now. I do not even remember what she looked like.