Alone

Maybe not all the time. Maybe not even some of the time.

Maybe less than one in a million moments.

But right now, I definitely feel alone. My parents left not an hour ago, and my brother is just outside my room, playing his games. At least two different people online who I could talk to; whom I usually talk to, but I don't. A missing-you message lighting up my phone from a girlfriend hundreds of miles away.

Yet still alone. Still not anyone whom I can connect with emotionally.

Every once in a while I let myself think that the people I interact with can provide that; a cure for my inexplicable hunger. I let myself hope too much.

And then it happens.

My illusions are shattered. I fall back into a darkness that I have known for years. A bittersweetness that I am intimate with; even enjoy. Maybe it is this season. Maybe it is my situation. When I go back to San Diego, I will forget about all of this.

But for how long? A few months, or half a year, and then I slowly return. Like clockwork. More and more I believe that I am being treated, and not cured. That I am ignoring my problem; this problem, by throwing myself into the company of others. How many people know that I am not the one they see, or like to hang out with? How many people have dismissed my true self as a condition of who I am, and not realize the truth.

I think there is some fundamental problem. Something I have yearned to cure, but have only learned to alleviate. I am looking for something; someone, to help me. But I don't know who, or what. Or how.

I hope I found out soon.