edit: I am posting this because my blog is and has always been a journal of my thoughts. Not all of which are coherent. I've spent a few days writing back and forth on this; overall, I am not satisfied (actually, I just stopped) with the writing, but I feel it needs to be seen just the same. Try not to take to heart what I wrote. It may be improperly expressed, and seem contradictory in future posts. It is posted "as-is."
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For the longest time, I have never been able to explain what a girlfriend (or significant other) really was. Or what the difference was between that and a good friend. I've asked (and have been asked) this question several times. I knew there was something else, something more. A good friend is still a notch below a girlfriend. I couldn't explain how or why, but deep down I knew.
When Jenny and I were still going out, two of my senior classmates approached us about it. They asked about our relationship and the like, curious. They joked around by asking how good of a lover I was, but she simply responded that I was more of a good friend than anything else. Looking back, I think it was inevitable that we would break up. Not because we were incompatible, or because of any fault of ours. It was because we were exactly as how she described us: friends. I took that with a faked smile. Even though I knew it was much too early in the relationship, at the time, to have assumed anything, I did know that I thought of us quite differently. She was important to me in a way a good friend could not be. Just in what way was beyond me, but I knew it wasn't mutual. So it ended shortly thereafter; it was only about two weeks in total. The separation was clean. We both wanted it, albeit for different reasons.
The difference between a friend and a girlfriend always lingered in my mind. The question arose from time to time, and I would never come up with anything. How many people wonder the same thing? How many people enter into relationships thinking that a good friend would make a good signficant other?
In my time back at Fremont, I spent a lot of time going out with my friends. I think I also spent an equal amount of lying on my bed in the evenings, alone. My parents scolded me for going out so much with my friends, or rather, worrying too much about them. I was talking to them about my get-together I had planned months in advance. In all seriousness, they were right: I spent too much time worrying about my friends. My friends who, at the end of the day, go back to their homes and do their things. Their lives run closely parallel to mine, but never cross. Never do my friends and I build our lives together, nor do we construct our futures in alignment. At the end of the day, I suffer from a loss that was only momentarily forgotten. I realize, now, that my longing for such a relationship on a friendly level is grossly misplaced.
First and foremost are my parents unbounded love for me, who through all their faults and mistakes, still love me very much. Who go out of their way to make my life easier, happier. I often think about how lucky I am to have loving parents - I know my other friends don't have such a luxury. But I used to take it for granted. They're my parents, it's what they're supposed to do. When I left Fremont, I realized more and more that this was not true. They do it out of love, not responsibility. The people out in the world have neither love nor responsibility towards you. Fremont is such a friendly place, it's hard to think about how difficult people can really be. But I digress, my relationship with my parents, though seemingly one-sided, is one where our lives are entwined. Something I can call love.
My friends, even my good ones, do not love me. Not in this way. We share our sorrows and our company. Maybe even help each other in times of need, but ultimately we will come to find that we do not build our lives on each other. We try to do things together, in a sort of imitation love.. No matter how close we try, we will never cross lives. Like parallel wires, running towards the same future, but separately. We are friends, not lovers.
I try too hard, I think, in trying to find and build these impossible relationships. I find that no matter what I do, there will always be an invisible barrier separating us all. Something that I cannot breach. Because we are friends. That is one step too far outside our sphere. I look for love, only to find friends.
And how I cling to them so when I entertain some hope that it is different. That we are more than friends. That somehow, our futures ARE connected. That one day I may find a collection of lovers, and not friends. Of family. Why do we lack this ability to love one another? What is it about our generation that we can make a multitude of acquaintances, a handful of friends, but only one "lover." Someone who we can depend upon no matter what; who would give it their best and more. For you...
But friends are friends, and like anyone else, I believe that I have some of the best at my side. I refrain from listing names because I know someone out there will feel hurt if I leave them out. But to my friends, I gave them my all. My time, my energy; my love. Gave? I think it's time I face the truth about it all. I cannot endear my friends as to the point of love, because, in truth, they do not love me. That any one of them could bring our relationship to the level that I need or demand is ludicrous. Some are closer than others, but I reserve it as I do a precious resource. First, my parents, and then my girlfriend. Our lives have become so tightly connected as to be one. That we think for the whole, and not the individual. A reciprocated love is a rare thing. To my friends, I can only offer the remainder. A limited love; a friendship.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Friday, September 4, 2009
A nice, pleasant day.
That's it. If you don't feel like reading, that's basically it. Today was a nice, pleasant day. You can continue on with your life now.
I actually loaded up HKO today. To no one's surprise, there was like a billion girl avatars. But there was also significantly more boys than I had thought. Not overwhelmingly, mind you, but it was like 2 or 3 more than I was expecting. Someone came up to me like four seconds after I entered the world and gave me a pet card. It allows me to summon a pet (a box pig, if you're wondering). I usually don't associate with people like that, who come up and randomly trade with you, but I figured "hey, why not?" I thanked him, and asked him about what it did. After that I friended him, as did him me. We talked the whole time I played, and it was nice not to have to play by myself. And I never have to worry about explaining myself to guys who play this game willingly. It's nice.
The game itself is kind of like Animal Crossing. There aren't any stats to worry about other than the different things you can do, like gathering or cooking. And there's mini-games I've heard. MINI-GAMES. Yes, this game is interesting; a kind of like Neopets targetted for MMORPG kids. I don't have to stress over what class I am, or what stat build to go for. The only thing I have to worry about is what clothes to get so I can look my BEST. And that is a really big selling point to me. I'm tired of games where your character looks like CRAP, especially when you have to WEAR CRAP just to have good stats. It's nice not to look like a piece of shit walking around! And this game actually cares about it.
Such a girly game, right?
In any case, after I came home today I had dinner with my parents. They were too lazy to cook so we went out to eat pho. It was a really bright, full moon at night today. Though not a lot of people I know share my appreciation of outer space, a full moon is still a beautiful thing to behold. The sky being lit up and all. My parents told me that it was the either beginning or end of the 7th lunar month yesterday (I don't remember), and that it was a special holiday in Vietnamese. It sounds like Halloween, but a little different.
On that day, people pray for their ancestors, but also for wandering ghosts who have died before their time. Instead of going to Heaven or Hell, they wander the Earth. People would throw candy or money outside for these ghosts as a gesture of good will, so that their ancestors may benefit from the good deed and pay off their karmic debt. The wandering ghosts would eat it or take the money to spend it. But really, that's just the custom. There's a story behind it in which I will not go into, but that's what the holiday is about. Nowadays, it's more of a Halloween; kids go pick up the candy or money. And every house does this. The story behind the holiday is probably less often told now. It's just another holiday to be enjoyed (though now I hear kids are getting bolder and bolder, since they have less to eat). My parents joked that people would bow with their hands just once (they do this several times), and by the time they come up their offerings would already be gone (they pray to their ancestors first and THEN throw food out to the "hobo ghosts" as my parents put it).
I like learning little tidbits of my culture like this. They don't happen often and I worry, often in fact, that my children will have none of that. I fear nothing more than my kids growing up to be American. Why? Because no matter how well they learn English, no matter how well they dress, or follow fashion trends. No matter what they buy or know or think... they will be Asian. That's what my father told me, and I take it to heart. Maybe people mistaken me for Chinese, or Korean, or some other ethnicity, but in America's eyes, I am Asian. It is important that I know my heritage, my culture. That I don't lose that. My own country might think I am American, or white-washed, but I have never met a single person who has laughed at me for knowing Vietnamese. Or that hasn't been proud that I retain some bit of my culture, even though I was born and raised in America. I thank my parents, especially at moments like this, for putting me through Viet school. For refusing to speak to me in anything other than Vietnamese. For forcing me to eat Viet food every day. I may not have pride in my own people, here or otherwise, but I do have pride in my culture.
It was a nice, pleasant meal with my parents. They were laughing and joking with each other, and it was a nice atmosphere. A good way to spend a Friday night, I think. I'm not much for parties. Just hanging out and chilling... that's all I really want. I always want to hang out with people, but I never have anything to do other than eat or go to the mall. I don't think a lot of people just want to come over and relax. Like they need something to do. But I've never felt that way. I remember last summer, I would drop by Jenn's house all the time. We'd end up watching the discovery channel or something. We'd always find something to do. Or do nothing! It didn't matter.
Anna came over yesterday, too. But she had told me to watch a drama before so we could watch it together. I felt bad when I told her I only watched the first episode because Youtube messed me up so much. But it was nice to have her over. Nice to just have her there. That and I haven't seen her for a while. We had fun watching Zettai Kareshi (Perfect Boyfriend). Or at least, I did. Anna was probably bored since she had already seen it. She pulled up some Korean music videos on Youtube afterwards. I urged her to sing the ones she did know. I have some kind of fascination about singing. I always want to hear people sing~ And Anna, especially, has a good voice. She's definitely on key almost all the time, and she has a good voice for pop music. I'm a little jealous, really. But I'm happy for her, and I hope she keeps on singing.
I'm going to go hiking for the first time tomorrow morning. My parents keep telling me about how difficult it is, but I don't think it could be worse than conditioning for badminton.
That's all for now.
I actually loaded up HKO today. To no one's surprise, there was like a billion girl avatars. But there was also significantly more boys than I had thought. Not overwhelmingly, mind you, but it was like 2 or 3 more than I was expecting. Someone came up to me like four seconds after I entered the world and gave me a pet card. It allows me to summon a pet (a box pig, if you're wondering). I usually don't associate with people like that, who come up and randomly trade with you, but I figured "hey, why not?" I thanked him, and asked him about what it did. After that I friended him, as did him me. We talked the whole time I played, and it was nice not to have to play by myself. And I never have to worry about explaining myself to guys who play this game willingly. It's nice.
The game itself is kind of like Animal Crossing. There aren't any stats to worry about other than the different things you can do, like gathering or cooking. And there's mini-games I've heard. MINI-GAMES. Yes, this game is interesting; a kind of like Neopets targetted for MMORPG kids. I don't have to stress over what class I am, or what stat build to go for. The only thing I have to worry about is what clothes to get so I can look my BEST. And that is a really big selling point to me. I'm tired of games where your character looks like CRAP, especially when you have to WEAR CRAP just to have good stats. It's nice not to look like a piece of shit walking around! And this game actually cares about it.
Such a girly game, right?
In any case, after I came home today I had dinner with my parents. They were too lazy to cook so we went out to eat pho. It was a really bright, full moon at night today. Though not a lot of people I know share my appreciation of outer space, a full moon is still a beautiful thing to behold. The sky being lit up and all. My parents told me that it was the either beginning or end of the 7th lunar month yesterday (I don't remember), and that it was a special holiday in Vietnamese. It sounds like Halloween, but a little different.
On that day, people pray for their ancestors, but also for wandering ghosts who have died before their time. Instead of going to Heaven or Hell, they wander the Earth. People would throw candy or money outside for these ghosts as a gesture of good will, so that their ancestors may benefit from the good deed and pay off their karmic debt. The wandering ghosts would eat it or take the money to spend it. But really, that's just the custom. There's a story behind it in which I will not go into, but that's what the holiday is about. Nowadays, it's more of a Halloween; kids go pick up the candy or money. And every house does this. The story behind the holiday is probably less often told now. It's just another holiday to be enjoyed (though now I hear kids are getting bolder and bolder, since they have less to eat). My parents joked that people would bow with their hands just once (they do this several times), and by the time they come up their offerings would already be gone (they pray to their ancestors first and THEN throw food out to the "hobo ghosts" as my parents put it).
I like learning little tidbits of my culture like this. They don't happen often and I worry, often in fact, that my children will have none of that. I fear nothing more than my kids growing up to be American. Why? Because no matter how well they learn English, no matter how well they dress, or follow fashion trends. No matter what they buy or know or think... they will be Asian. That's what my father told me, and I take it to heart. Maybe people mistaken me for Chinese, or Korean, or some other ethnicity, but in America's eyes, I am Asian. It is important that I know my heritage, my culture. That I don't lose that. My own country might think I am American, or white-washed, but I have never met a single person who has laughed at me for knowing Vietnamese. Or that hasn't been proud that I retain some bit of my culture, even though I was born and raised in America. I thank my parents, especially at moments like this, for putting me through Viet school. For refusing to speak to me in anything other than Vietnamese. For forcing me to eat Viet food every day. I may not have pride in my own people, here or otherwise, but I do have pride in my culture.
It was a nice, pleasant meal with my parents. They were laughing and joking with each other, and it was a nice atmosphere. A good way to spend a Friday night, I think. I'm not much for parties. Just hanging out and chilling... that's all I really want. I always want to hang out with people, but I never have anything to do other than eat or go to the mall. I don't think a lot of people just want to come over and relax. Like they need something to do. But I've never felt that way. I remember last summer, I would drop by Jenn's house all the time. We'd end up watching the discovery channel or something. We'd always find something to do. Or do nothing! It didn't matter.
Anna came over yesterday, too. But she had told me to watch a drama before so we could watch it together. I felt bad when I told her I only watched the first episode because Youtube messed me up so much. But it was nice to have her over. Nice to just have her there. That and I haven't seen her for a while. We had fun watching Zettai Kareshi (Perfect Boyfriend). Or at least, I did. Anna was probably bored since she had already seen it. She pulled up some Korean music videos on Youtube afterwards. I urged her to sing the ones she did know. I have some kind of fascination about singing. I always want to hear people sing~ And Anna, especially, has a good voice. She's definitely on key almost all the time, and she has a good voice for pop music. I'm a little jealous, really. But I'm happy for her, and I hope she keeps on singing.
I'm going to go hiking for the first time tomorrow morning. My parents keep telling me about how difficult it is, but I don't think it could be worse than conditioning for badminton.
That's all for now.
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