(note: unfinished, confusing rant)

edit: I am posting this because my blog is and has always been a journal of my thoughts. Not all of which are coherent. I've spent a few days writing back and forth on this; overall, I am not satisfied (actually, I just stopped) with the writing, but I feel it needs to be seen just the same. Try not to take to heart what I wrote. It may be improperly expressed, and seem contradictory in future posts. It is posted "as-is."

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For the longest time, I have never been able to explain what a girlfriend (or significant other) really was. Or what the difference was between that and a good friend. I've asked (and have been asked) this question several times. I knew there was something else, something more. A good friend is still a notch below a girlfriend. I couldn't explain how or why, but deep down I knew.

When Jenny and I were still going out, two of my senior classmates approached us about it. They asked about our relationship and the like, curious. They joked around by asking how good of a lover I was, but she simply responded that I was more of a good friend than anything else. Looking back, I think it was inevitable that we would break up. Not because we were incompatible, or because of any fault of ours. It was because we were exactly as how she described us: friends. I took that with a faked smile. Even though I knew it was much too early in the relationship, at the time, to have assumed anything, I did know that I thought of us quite differently. She was important to me in a way a good friend could not be. Just in what way was beyond me, but I knew it wasn't mutual. So it ended shortly thereafter; it was only about two weeks in total. The separation was clean. We both wanted it, albeit for different reasons.

The difference between a friend and a girlfriend always lingered in my mind. The question arose from time to time, and I would never come up with anything. How many people wonder the same thing? How many people enter into relationships thinking that a good friend would make a good signficant other?

In my time back at Fremont, I spent a lot of time going out with my friends. I think I also spent an equal amount of lying on my bed in the evenings, alone. My parents scolded me for going out so much with my friends, or rather, worrying too much about them. I was talking to them about my get-together I had planned months in advance. In all seriousness, they were right: I spent too much time worrying about my friends. My friends who, at the end of the day, go back to their homes and do their things. Their lives run closely parallel to mine, but never cross. Never do my friends and I build our lives together, nor do we construct our futures in alignment. At the end of the day, I suffer from a loss that was only momentarily forgotten. I realize, now, that my longing for such a relationship on a friendly level is grossly misplaced.

First and foremost are my parents unbounded love for me, who through all their faults and mistakes, still love me very much. Who go out of their way to make my life easier, happier. I often think about how lucky I am to have loving parents - I know my other friends don't have such a luxury. But I used to take it for granted. They're my parents, it's what they're supposed to do. When I left Fremont, I realized more and more that this was not true. They do it out of love, not responsibility. The people out in the world have neither love nor responsibility towards you. Fremont is such a friendly place, it's hard to think about how difficult people can really be. But I digress, my relationship with my parents, though seemingly one-sided, is one where our lives are entwined. Something I can call love.

My friends, even my good ones, do not love me. Not in this way. We share our sorrows and our company. Maybe even help each other in times of need, but ultimately we will come to find that we do not build our lives on each other. We try to do things together, in a sort of imitation love.. No matter how close we try, we will never cross lives. Like parallel wires, running towards the same future, but separately. We are friends, not lovers.

I try too hard, I think, in trying to find and build these impossible relationships. I find that no matter what I do, there will always be an invisible barrier separating us all. Something that I cannot breach. Because we are friends. That is one step too far outside our sphere. I look for love, only to find friends.

And how I cling to them so when I entertain some hope that it is different. That we are more than friends. That somehow, our futures ARE connected. That one day I may find a collection of lovers, and not friends. Of family. Why do we lack this ability to love one another? What is it about our generation that we can make a multitude of acquaintances, a handful of friends, but only one "lover." Someone who we can depend upon no matter what; who would give it their best and more. For you...

But friends are friends, and like anyone else, I believe that I have some of the best at my side. I refrain from listing names because I know someone out there will feel hurt if I leave them out. But to my friends, I gave them my all. My time, my energy; my love. Gave? I think it's time I face the truth about it all. I cannot endear my friends as to the point of love, because, in truth, they do not love me. That any one of them could bring our relationship to the level that I need or demand is ludicrous. Some are closer than others, but I reserve it as I do a precious resource. First, my parents, and then my girlfriend. Our lives have become so tightly connected as to be one. That we think for the whole, and not the individual. A reciprocated love is a rare thing. To my friends, I can only offer the remainder. A limited love; a friendship.