Since coming down to Point Loma, I've been pretty much cooped up inside my studio apartment. I don't get out much other than going to work, or going out to eat once in a while, nor do I feel the need to. It occurred to me how much of my life is automated; almost mechanical. I feel as though I am just living day-to-day, having no goals or things to look forward to other than coming back home, and returning to school. Everything I do, each and every day, rarely has any impact on my life. When the sun comes up the next day, it feels like reset.
This would be a good time to point out how slow time is moving. Even when I came to UCSD, I have always felt the days went by so slowly. It is almost agonizing when I've realized I've only been down in Point Loma for a little over a month, and that I have a whole month left before I can come back home. And when I come back, would I really be as happy as I hoped?
The one thing I really looked forward to, aside from meeting my friends, was badminton. But everyday I am down here, I become more fat; more out of shape, and out of touch. I remember when, if I didn't play for even a single day, I would become a little rusty. It has been months - almost half a year - since I've played. I wonder, just how pathetic am I now? I could be jogging, or exercising. Keeping in shape. For a while, I had tried to do 5 sets of 10 push-ups and 15 crunches every night. The first few days, it hurt like crazy. After a while I got used to it, but I stopped after no more than two weeks. I guess I kind of thought, what's the point? Does it really help? I am still fat as ever (doing crunches does not burn fat off).
That aside, I rarely talk to anyone [in person] other than my partner at work, and I stay inside my studio most of the time. It is a sort of loneliness, although I talk regularly to my girlfriend on the phone (often way too much) and my friend Cynthia on AIM. Sometimes Melissa would come on and talk to me about her problems, or we would talk about life in general. I am far from alone, yes, but yet I still feel lonely.
My only source of comfort has been my stuffed Chococat pillow. My girlfriend bought it for me as I came back from turkey-break, and I've had it ever since. I cannot really sleep without holding onto it, in some form or another, and have become increasingly attached to it. It is almost a substitute for my girlfriend's presence; the physical component has always been important to me. But you are probably thinking too much into it, if you find it disturbing. It is merely a source of physical comfort, and as a pillow I suppose it's doing its job.
The only time I have been even remotely attached to an inanimate object was when I was young. I'd have vivid made-up adventures in the comfort of my bed at night, just fantasizing about journeys before becoming tired and eventually nodding off. But the one that I held onto the most was a Beanie Baby rat. It was grey with a white tail, and I had gotten it towards the end of 2nd grade. I was one of the first allowed to pick one, though I don't remember if it was because I was being good or by random draw, and had chosen the rat. It stayed with me everywhere I went and everything I did. Like a little child clinging to a stuffed teddy bear. But after some time, due to my carelessness, I had lost it. I don't know if I cried or not, but I was intensely depressed. Maybe this is where my adoration of cute things came from (though the Hello Kitty fetish started as a joke).
I don't cry much, not over girls or otherwise. I have been known to tear for things I find incredibly sad or depressing (usually in movies), probably because I am so emphatic about things like that. Here is an example. Watch it if you want, but do so before you read on if you intend to (Melissa you've already seen this, but you can watch it again if you don't remember).
The point of the commercial aside (that being life insurance), I watched it again when I was looking for the link and started to tear. The only kind of people that would make me cry are my parents, and apparently my girlfriend. Most of the time, my parents wouldn't even be arguing with me, and I'd still cry. Maybe I am too emphatic. I always think of how people would feel if I were them. But arguing with my girlfriend is different, if you can even call it that. I ended up crying a little when talking to her a few days ago. I have been trying to set up some personal space, but at the same time, I want her to join clubs and/or make friends at UCSD so she has some support there other than me. The kind of support I have from my friends, even though they are far away. She asked me quite plainly if I was just trying to get some more personal space. It took me a while to put in words what I wanted, but I started to cry a little at the same time. It is true that I want some personal space, because I am not always at my happiest or best and, despite what my girlfriend says, I do not want to be around her when it happens. But she would rather I be there than not at all, and, because she DOESN'T have any support in the way I do, I cannot bear to leave her alone. Sometimes this isn't a problem, sometimes it is a huge problem because I am not attentative enough. But I have been slowly trying to communicate this idea, when I have the ability to put it into words without sounding like an asshole.
In any case, my girlfriend told me today she suddenly felt like studying religion. Not being something that everyone blurts out in their lifetime, I asked her why, to which her response was because she found it interesting why people can and do have religious beliefs. From my conversation with Melissa on that topic a few days prior, I never thought it particularly surprising why people hold religious beliefs. Religion has a spiritual association with it, but on paper it has more to do with a set of beliefs about life rather than supreme beings. I've always felt everyone, "religious" or not, has some sort of beliefs about life and its purpose. Because to face the "reality" of life would be absolutely depressing. The reality of the situation is that there IS no purpose in life; that we are here because of what had transpired billions of years ago by the forces of nature. We talk a lot about how religion is ridiculous and flowery in comparison to science, but no one wants to admit that we are here for no other reason than "just because" as per their explanation. Religion attempts to fill that void and people are very eager to take it up. We all have our own ideas of why we're here, what we're living for... the spiritual side of religion isn't the only way to look at life. We have countless philosophies about life - existentialism - that all try to put order to it all. To make life pretty. To dress it up as a rewarding experience; something worth living for.
Science, in contrast, does no such thing. And people are very fragile individuals. They can't stand to constantly believe life is pointless. We have things in life that motivate us to live, whether it is our friends, our families, our lovers, our dreams and goals... we all make out something to live for. But in the face of constant rejection or failure, we lose that motivation. That ability to draw up illusions around us, to delude ourselves into thinking life is worth living, that keeps us alive. We no longer worry about physical dangers... we've built walls and defenses to fortify our weak bodies. Similarly, we draw up our own, self-fueled illusions to protect our sensitive perceptions of life.
And when that imaginary castle falls, we are exposed to the harsh reality. For some, that is too much, and they decide to end their lives. Often we hear that people no longer have the motivation to live. Without the mental journey to arrive at the same conclusion, we can never fully appreciate how elegant and simple those few words are, and how comprehensive they can be. And that pretty much concludes my thoughts on the subject.
Today is Nancy's birthday. I have not the heart to write a message on her facebook, because I have always felt it was remote and distant. But I want to wish her happy birthday, anyway. I find that I always end up silently celebrating my friends' birthdays, because I am not there and refuse to write something so simple as a facebook message.
Oh, and if you're wondering why I named the title of this post "Gearbox," it is because I wasn't planning on giving this post a title and decided to just pull it off a random word generator. There is no gearbox or reference to thereof in this post. Sorry.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
On Gloria, Family, and Dreams.
No, they're not related. They're individual topics that I am going to talk about.
So I talked with Gloria again on Friday. She hasn't been online much so I was pleasantly surprised to see her online. After a few lines back and forth, I realized that it was not because she was busy, as I had previously thought, but that she was merely too busy for me. Perhaps I am being self-centered, as usual. Perhaps she is merely too busy for anyone.
She is writing a fictional story. Apparently she has a collection of fans who she tends to by posting daily. It is in Chinese, so I am unable to personally read it. I asked her for the story kind of half-idly, half-interested. I think maybe she has moved on now. For that, I am both relieved and disappointed, thinking that we could still be on close terms. But it seems as though we had nothing more than a list of problems and a shoulder to cry on, and without that our relationship has seemingly dried up. She is finding refuge in writing just as I once did, and I can find nothing wrong with her desire to leave me all behind (not to be dramatic). I've becomed accustomed to this; these behaviors, they are quite common among young people, myself included. How similar our lives end up becoming, despite going different ways. Except now I am on the receiving end, which is none too great. I can only imagine how people felt about me.
In any case, she told me about her story. It sounded like the typical, teenage girl fiction you'd find just about anywhere. With any other subject, I suppose I couldn't have cared less. But writing has always been something very close to me, probably because it was such a huge source of support for me when I was down. I have a lot of passion for stories and writing, as well as critique. I've attempted to write plenty of times now, but I've always ended up throwing them away because they were not up to par. So, in my fits of honesty that no one particularly likes to hear, I told her what I thought. To be honest, I thought there was a lot of potential. She had an interesting storyline with good plot points, but the general feel of the story was the same. Rich, kind, beautiful people. Poor, dull looking, but altruistic. The usual archetypes of a teenage fiction. I have read them countless times, to the point where I am sick of them. Simple personalities... these are not people. People are infinitely more complex. In turn, relationships are also incredibly complex and interact in ways we cannot even think of. I had never imagine my own life to be complicated, but everything that happened to me was a surprise that I had not expected. I think these are the components for an interesting fiction, but I have yet to have read something touching upon these subjects.
But since I cannot actually read her story, it is moot. She assured me that she had tried to avoid such obvious archetypes, but I am skeptical. Because we are all susceptible to such things. I do this because I dislike disappointment, because I don't like to believe my friends can fail. Sometimes I am optimistic, but overall I do not have high expectations for my friends. This is so when they do exceed them (and they do), I can be genuinely happy for them. A little part of me already hopes I am wrong about Gloria, but I guess I will never know. And as long as she is having fun, then it isn't my place to say much about it.
Later that night, I started up Ragnarok Online again for the first time in a few months. It never seems like I could go more than a year without playing RO. It was my first MMORPG (I'm not going to explain what that means; if you don't know you'll just have to look it up), and me and my brother became addicted very quickly. A whole summer was lost to that game, but I made a few friends and by the end, even had my own guild. It was populated by me, my brother, a few of his friends (or just Florence I guess), and a bunch of in-game friends we made. It was an exciting time for me, and I fell in love with it. But I moved on eventually, not being able to stand the disadvantage I was at. No mattered how hard I tried to look for items and cards, people would always be better. It was depressing in a sense because all my friends had the good stuff. Either from each other or other means. And I never asked; I was too proud to do that. I believe in doing things for yourself, and with that I fell out of the game. I left the guild to Florence and moved on to other things. I would come back from time to time, always on a different server (there were many private servers, because the real one costed money at the time). I would give up shortly after though. I just lost interest. Then my girlfriend and I tried to pick it up together during the school year, but I was much too busy to always be playing with her. For her, it was all new and I was happy she found so much enjoyment in it as I used to. Even I enjoyed the first few weeks, playing with her. I realized that I was lacking a purpose; friends to play with; to play for. But my girlfriend changed that, so I happily took it up again.
But I did not like the fact that she would play without me. That she would level beyond me and leave me behind. It took me back to the summer when I played ROSE Online, also an MMORPG, with my friends Nancy and Jenny. She had invited me to play with her so I naturally lept at the idea. ROSE online was also an attractive game to me; it was the second MMORPG I picked up after RO and I had always liked it, but as usual, could never get into. She had picked a magician, so naturally I picked a warrior so I could protect her. A warrior/mage combination isn't uncommon; it's the most efficient way to train both characters. Things were going along well; Jenny joined much later and was often behind. But she tried to catch up, and at some point we were all relatively the same level. But then Nancy would play without me; at first I didn't mind. Why would I? I would do my own things when she was offline, and when she came on we would train together. Or I would help out Jenny. But she got much farther ahead with the help of other players. Pretty soon she left me and Jenny behind by tens of levels. It wasn't possible to play with her because the sheer level gap made it impossible to. I felt abandoned, almost. After that, I think I stopped playing. I would play with Jenny sometimes, with different characters, but I never bothered to sign on back to my warrior. I then started to feel hurt about it.
So I suppose that is why I did not like my girlfriend to play without me. I felt very guilty, and selfish, but when I told her she seemed to be okay with it. But I would catch her playing sometimes, and she would later try to hide it from me. She would be playing on her side character, but she would then tell me something and I would know that she was on her main character. The one she promised not to play with without me. Because I knew the game almost in-and-out. Despite adding new content to the game since I had played, I know a lot about it. And I knew she had been lying to me. If there was anything I couldn't stand, it would be that: betrayal. To be lied to. To be tricked. Deceived. We got into a few arguments over it. She promised me that she wouldn't; assured me that she wanted to play with me and not just the game. And repeatedly, I believed her. Eventually, I didn't want to play anymore (the server we were playing on was really crappy anyway). I told her she could play if she wanted to, but I didn't. And she stopped, then. I felt guilty because I knew I had forced her to stop playing by obligation. And it wasn't right for me to deprive her of that, but I'll make it up to her one day. Maybe we can start again, on a different server. A fun one. And get married in-game like we had planned to all along (yes you can marry in RO). Apparently you can adopt a child too, but let's not go there just yet....
But anyway, I started playing on keroRO with Jenny, after much insisting. I didn't feel like taking up RO for any reason, especially since I had made my girlfriend stop playing. I only decided to after I found out it was Nikko's server. I KNEW keroRO sounded familiar, but I didn't connect that with what he said last year (he even told me what he wanted to name the server). I guess I felt like I wouldn't just be another random person in flooded server. It's nice to know a lot of the people on the server, even if that is only a few. For the most part, Nikko and I were the only ones who knew much about the RO universe. He probably knows even more than me by now, since I am sort of an old-school RO player (there was a LOT of content added when I stopped playing before). But there are a lot of things that are still the same, so I decided to help Jenny out by at least getting her character all leveled up. I didn't think much more of it than that at the time; just create a character that would complement hers and train together. To be honest, I trust her to not ditch me behind, or play without me. Probably because she knows, personally, how that's affected me, but really that's just the kind of person she is and I'm glad for it. And it was fun. The training is starting to drag at this point but, at the least, I have friends to talk to on the server.
Didn't play much over the weekend because Nikko went off the Reno and the servers were, therefore, down. I spent much of that time in between playing Company of Heroes with Jonathan, Patrick, and Daniel. I always loved CoH, and I never got to fully play it out yet. I always feel like I'm the one who wants to play when I invite them, but once we get going it can get pretty fun. Before I would only play with Jonathan, in 1v1. He has gotten considerably better, and Patrick isn't all that bad at it either. Daniel, personally, I don't think he's all that bad, but he has some strategy issues he just needs to get his head around. I am wondering what I could do to help improve his game, maybe 1v1 like I used to with Jonathan. It is easier to see what he is doing wrong/improve his game when there is only me and him on the field.
Parents came over Saturday evening. It was nice for about 15 mins, until we got home. Then I realized how annoying/irritating my parents can get. I wasn't in a good mood after that. I played Red Alert 3 with my brother, again. I had never won against him, but after all that CoH I guess I got better. I beat him twice and was pretty happy with myself. I then decided to try to figure out why my RA3 wasn't working online. I gave up and wrote a poem instead. I had really liked it and wish I could write more poetry, but we'll see. The next day wasn't bad at all. My parents and I were all in a good mood, and I even got Red Alert 3 to work online. My brother wasn't interested in playing with me again so I tried to find a 1v1 game to test out my skills. It was a challenge, but in the end I beat my opponent. RA3 is fun but it's not as grueling (and therefore, cannot be as epic) as CoH. Patrick, Jon, and I played a pretty good game that day in CoH. It probably lasted an hour, but our defenses were spot on. We managed to push back the CPU, and would probably have had enough to destroy their base if the point of the match wasn't to hold/defend some flags. I was really pleased at myself and the teamwork we had, even though we didn't talk much.
The rest of Sunday was more or less uneventful. My girlfriend called me that night, and I decided to pick up to answer her. I hadn't talked to her all weekend because my parents were over, and there wasn't any personal space in my apartment to talk to her. But I couldn't resist and ended up talking to her anyway, though in a more subdued tone. I will most likely talk to her today and am already excited. I tried to go to sleep early but ended up sleeping at 12am (which is early, but not early enough). My parents were leaving at 5am in the morning, and I wanted to go see them before they went off but I have work at 8am. I ended up not going to see them off like I wanted to because I had lacked so much sleep (I didn't get any restful sleep the night before because I had slept on a bundle of clothes as a make-shift pillow).
I had an interesting dream last night, though I can't say I remember much of it as usual. I was in a hotel of sorts, and for some reason I would alway end up outside my hotel room. Naked. And I would have to go back through the hallways to get to my room. Hallways which were not empty and had people coming through once in a while. This was all very interesting to me, not because I was naked or because people knew that I was naked, but because somehow I got dressed and ran into Meagan Sung, my friend from UCSD, at her "room." I like to think Meagan and I are on good terms. She's one of the few friends that I am really grateful for meeting down in UCSD, though we don't talk much now that we have no more classes together. Back to my dream, Meagan and her friend (probably Jinah, who is one of her friends I suppose), apparently greeted me with candy. I was dressed, somehow, and we had a nice time. This is funny to me because Meagan had once come over to my dorm early in the year and insist that I walk with her around campus at 11pm because she had eaten a whole bunch of candy and was hyper. And my campus takes at least 30 minutes to ALMOST walk to one side. I imagined we spent some hour and a half outside, at night, talking. It's actually a very interesting story how Meagan and I had become friends. I met Meagan through one of my orientation friends that I have since fallen out of touch with. All three of us went shopping but my friend went back first while Meagan and I insisted on going to Target or whatever. We ended up talking about our relationships until we got kicked out on the last stop. We went around to the stores there and looked for stuff/bathroom, and had just decided to go home when we realized the bus stopped at 7 something and it was certainly not 7 something anymore. We ended up being stuck together for the whole day, and ate dinner together, finally mooching a ride off one of her friends' parents. Who apparently disapproved of boys and girls being together (though I couldn't tell at the time). It was all very awkward but I was glad I had the opportunity to get to know her better. I'm pretty comfortable around Meagan, but not most of her friends so it is still kind of awkward sometimes. I used to come over to visit her when I had nothing to do since she lived like 2 minutes away from me, but I stopped coming because her suitemates were kind of intimidating.
I wish I would meet more people like her at UCSD. My life would not be so unbearably isolated, with only my girlfriend to be there. Both of us, really, have no one else at UCSD. I would like for us to have some friends down there, for the both of us. Meagan and Wing make for nice company, but they really are only for company. I don't think I would invite them along with my girlfriend to go see a movie or something. In fact I think I have very little friends who I could do that with. Maybe I need more friends who are in a relationship.
Well that is all for now.
So I talked with Gloria again on Friday. She hasn't been online much so I was pleasantly surprised to see her online. After a few lines back and forth, I realized that it was not because she was busy, as I had previously thought, but that she was merely too busy for me. Perhaps I am being self-centered, as usual. Perhaps she is merely too busy for anyone.
She is writing a fictional story. Apparently she has a collection of fans who she tends to by posting daily. It is in Chinese, so I am unable to personally read it. I asked her for the story kind of half-idly, half-interested. I think maybe she has moved on now. For that, I am both relieved and disappointed, thinking that we could still be on close terms. But it seems as though we had nothing more than a list of problems and a shoulder to cry on, and without that our relationship has seemingly dried up. She is finding refuge in writing just as I once did, and I can find nothing wrong with her desire to leave me all behind (not to be dramatic). I've becomed accustomed to this; these behaviors, they are quite common among young people, myself included. How similar our lives end up becoming, despite going different ways. Except now I am on the receiving end, which is none too great. I can only imagine how people felt about me.
In any case, she told me about her story. It sounded like the typical, teenage girl fiction you'd find just about anywhere. With any other subject, I suppose I couldn't have cared less. But writing has always been something very close to me, probably because it was such a huge source of support for me when I was down. I have a lot of passion for stories and writing, as well as critique. I've attempted to write plenty of times now, but I've always ended up throwing them away because they were not up to par. So, in my fits of honesty that no one particularly likes to hear, I told her what I thought. To be honest, I thought there was a lot of potential. She had an interesting storyline with good plot points, but the general feel of the story was the same. Rich, kind, beautiful people. Poor, dull looking, but altruistic. The usual archetypes of a teenage fiction. I have read them countless times, to the point where I am sick of them. Simple personalities... these are not people. People are infinitely more complex. In turn, relationships are also incredibly complex and interact in ways we cannot even think of. I had never imagine my own life to be complicated, but everything that happened to me was a surprise that I had not expected. I think these are the components for an interesting fiction, but I have yet to have read something touching upon these subjects.
But since I cannot actually read her story, it is moot. She assured me that she had tried to avoid such obvious archetypes, but I am skeptical. Because we are all susceptible to such things. I do this because I dislike disappointment, because I don't like to believe my friends can fail. Sometimes I am optimistic, but overall I do not have high expectations for my friends. This is so when they do exceed them (and they do), I can be genuinely happy for them. A little part of me already hopes I am wrong about Gloria, but I guess I will never know. And as long as she is having fun, then it isn't my place to say much about it.
Later that night, I started up Ragnarok Online again for the first time in a few months. It never seems like I could go more than a year without playing RO. It was my first MMORPG (I'm not going to explain what that means; if you don't know you'll just have to look it up), and me and my brother became addicted very quickly. A whole summer was lost to that game, but I made a few friends and by the end, even had my own guild. It was populated by me, my brother, a few of his friends (or just Florence I guess), and a bunch of in-game friends we made. It was an exciting time for me, and I fell in love with it. But I moved on eventually, not being able to stand the disadvantage I was at. No mattered how hard I tried to look for items and cards, people would always be better. It was depressing in a sense because all my friends had the good stuff. Either from each other or other means. And I never asked; I was too proud to do that. I believe in doing things for yourself, and with that I fell out of the game. I left the guild to Florence and moved on to other things. I would come back from time to time, always on a different server (there were many private servers, because the real one costed money at the time). I would give up shortly after though. I just lost interest. Then my girlfriend and I tried to pick it up together during the school year, but I was much too busy to always be playing with her. For her, it was all new and I was happy she found so much enjoyment in it as I used to. Even I enjoyed the first few weeks, playing with her. I realized that I was lacking a purpose; friends to play with; to play for. But my girlfriend changed that, so I happily took it up again.
But I did not like the fact that she would play without me. That she would level beyond me and leave me behind. It took me back to the summer when I played ROSE Online, also an MMORPG, with my friends Nancy and Jenny. She had invited me to play with her so I naturally lept at the idea. ROSE online was also an attractive game to me; it was the second MMORPG I picked up after RO and I had always liked it, but as usual, could never get into. She had picked a magician, so naturally I picked a warrior so I could protect her. A warrior/mage combination isn't uncommon; it's the most efficient way to train both characters. Things were going along well; Jenny joined much later and was often behind. But she tried to catch up, and at some point we were all relatively the same level. But then Nancy would play without me; at first I didn't mind. Why would I? I would do my own things when she was offline, and when she came on we would train together. Or I would help out Jenny. But she got much farther ahead with the help of other players. Pretty soon she left me and Jenny behind by tens of levels. It wasn't possible to play with her because the sheer level gap made it impossible to. I felt abandoned, almost. After that, I think I stopped playing. I would play with Jenny sometimes, with different characters, but I never bothered to sign on back to my warrior. I then started to feel hurt about it.
So I suppose that is why I did not like my girlfriend to play without me. I felt very guilty, and selfish, but when I told her she seemed to be okay with it. But I would catch her playing sometimes, and she would later try to hide it from me. She would be playing on her side character, but she would then tell me something and I would know that she was on her main character. The one she promised not to play with without me. Because I knew the game almost in-and-out. Despite adding new content to the game since I had played, I know a lot about it. And I knew she had been lying to me. If there was anything I couldn't stand, it would be that: betrayal. To be lied to. To be tricked. Deceived. We got into a few arguments over it. She promised me that she wouldn't; assured me that she wanted to play with me and not just the game. And repeatedly, I believed her. Eventually, I didn't want to play anymore (the server we were playing on was really crappy anyway). I told her she could play if she wanted to, but I didn't. And she stopped, then. I felt guilty because I knew I had forced her to stop playing by obligation. And it wasn't right for me to deprive her of that, but I'll make it up to her one day. Maybe we can start again, on a different server. A fun one. And get married in-game like we had planned to all along (yes you can marry in RO). Apparently you can adopt a child too, but let's not go there just yet....
But anyway, I started playing on keroRO with Jenny, after much insisting. I didn't feel like taking up RO for any reason, especially since I had made my girlfriend stop playing. I only decided to after I found out it was Nikko's server. I KNEW keroRO sounded familiar, but I didn't connect that with what he said last year (he even told me what he wanted to name the server). I guess I felt like I wouldn't just be another random person in flooded server. It's nice to know a lot of the people on the server, even if that is only a few. For the most part, Nikko and I were the only ones who knew much about the RO universe. He probably knows even more than me by now, since I am sort of an old-school RO player (there was a LOT of content added when I stopped playing before). But there are a lot of things that are still the same, so I decided to help Jenny out by at least getting her character all leveled up. I didn't think much more of it than that at the time; just create a character that would complement hers and train together. To be honest, I trust her to not ditch me behind, or play without me. Probably because she knows, personally, how that's affected me, but really that's just the kind of person she is and I'm glad for it. And it was fun. The training is starting to drag at this point but, at the least, I have friends to talk to on the server.
Didn't play much over the weekend because Nikko went off the Reno and the servers were, therefore, down. I spent much of that time in between playing Company of Heroes with Jonathan, Patrick, and Daniel. I always loved CoH, and I never got to fully play it out yet. I always feel like I'm the one who wants to play when I invite them, but once we get going it can get pretty fun. Before I would only play with Jonathan, in 1v1. He has gotten considerably better, and Patrick isn't all that bad at it either. Daniel, personally, I don't think he's all that bad, but he has some strategy issues he just needs to get his head around. I am wondering what I could do to help improve his game, maybe 1v1 like I used to with Jonathan. It is easier to see what he is doing wrong/improve his game when there is only me and him on the field.
Parents came over Saturday evening. It was nice for about 15 mins, until we got home. Then I realized how annoying/irritating my parents can get. I wasn't in a good mood after that. I played Red Alert 3 with my brother, again. I had never won against him, but after all that CoH I guess I got better. I beat him twice and was pretty happy with myself. I then decided to try to figure out why my RA3 wasn't working online. I gave up and wrote a poem instead. I had really liked it and wish I could write more poetry, but we'll see. The next day wasn't bad at all. My parents and I were all in a good mood, and I even got Red Alert 3 to work online. My brother wasn't interested in playing with me again so I tried to find a 1v1 game to test out my skills. It was a challenge, but in the end I beat my opponent. RA3 is fun but it's not as grueling (and therefore, cannot be as epic) as CoH. Patrick, Jon, and I played a pretty good game that day in CoH. It probably lasted an hour, but our defenses were spot on. We managed to push back the CPU, and would probably have had enough to destroy their base if the point of the match wasn't to hold/defend some flags. I was really pleased at myself and the teamwork we had, even though we didn't talk much.
The rest of Sunday was more or less uneventful. My girlfriend called me that night, and I decided to pick up to answer her. I hadn't talked to her all weekend because my parents were over, and there wasn't any personal space in my apartment to talk to her. But I couldn't resist and ended up talking to her anyway, though in a more subdued tone. I will most likely talk to her today and am already excited. I tried to go to sleep early but ended up sleeping at 12am (which is early, but not early enough). My parents were leaving at 5am in the morning, and I wanted to go see them before they went off but I have work at 8am. I ended up not going to see them off like I wanted to because I had lacked so much sleep (I didn't get any restful sleep the night before because I had slept on a bundle of clothes as a make-shift pillow).
I had an interesting dream last night, though I can't say I remember much of it as usual. I was in a hotel of sorts, and for some reason I would alway end up outside my hotel room. Naked. And I would have to go back through the hallways to get to my room. Hallways which were not empty and had people coming through once in a while. This was all very interesting to me, not because I was naked or because people knew that I was naked, but because somehow I got dressed and ran into Meagan Sung, my friend from UCSD, at her "room." I like to think Meagan and I are on good terms. She's one of the few friends that I am really grateful for meeting down in UCSD, though we don't talk much now that we have no more classes together. Back to my dream, Meagan and her friend (probably Jinah, who is one of her friends I suppose), apparently greeted me with candy. I was dressed, somehow, and we had a nice time. This is funny to me because Meagan had once come over to my dorm early in the year and insist that I walk with her around campus at 11pm because she had eaten a whole bunch of candy and was hyper. And my campus takes at least 30 minutes to ALMOST walk to one side. I imagined we spent some hour and a half outside, at night, talking. It's actually a very interesting story how Meagan and I had become friends. I met Meagan through one of my orientation friends that I have since fallen out of touch with. All three of us went shopping but my friend went back first while Meagan and I insisted on going to Target or whatever. We ended up talking about our relationships until we got kicked out on the last stop. We went around to the stores there and looked for stuff/bathroom, and had just decided to go home when we realized the bus stopped at 7 something and it was certainly not 7 something anymore. We ended up being stuck together for the whole day, and ate dinner together, finally mooching a ride off one of her friends' parents. Who apparently disapproved of boys and girls being together (though I couldn't tell at the time). It was all very awkward but I was glad I had the opportunity to get to know her better. I'm pretty comfortable around Meagan, but not most of her friends so it is still kind of awkward sometimes. I used to come over to visit her when I had nothing to do since she lived like 2 minutes away from me, but I stopped coming because her suitemates were kind of intimidating.
I wish I would meet more people like her at UCSD. My life would not be so unbearably isolated, with only my girlfriend to be there. Both of us, really, have no one else at UCSD. I would like for us to have some friends down there, for the both of us. Meagan and Wing make for nice company, but they really are only for company. I don't think I would invite them along with my girlfriend to go see a movie or something. In fact I think I have very little friends who I could do that with. Maybe I need more friends who are in a relationship.
Well that is all for now.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
The post with no name (wait, DAMN IT).
Hey guys,
*Realizes he is talking to no one.*
...
Anyway, just posting because I didn't yesterday. No, it's not because I didn't want to. I resisted because I didn't want to spam updates all the time. But today is a new day so I am free to write again.
I had finished a musical piece for solo guitar yesterday. It is perhaps the first piece I have finished with the blessing of Melissa (though, really, it was more of an "okay" rather than "good job"). This piece, which still has no name but I will simply refer to it as a "Study in Modulation (in F)," reminds me of the songs I hear in a classical guitar book. Like, it's interesting to play and sounds nice, but it's not the kind you'd be humming or thinking about in your head. Melissa said it would fall under some time between late classical/early baroque, which means it's BORING and LIFELESS, but MUSICALLY INTERESTING and SOUNDS LIKE IT'S IN TUNE.
In any case, you guys can listen to it if you want, just drop me an IM. It doesn't sound like it has any feeling in it; like I don't feel connected to it, emotionally. But I am proud of it nonetheless because of its composition. I am betting that it is mostly correct, structurally. At the least, Melissa's first impression was "YOU HAVE NO INTERESTING PART THAT'S REPEATABLE" rather than "YOUR MUSIC IS SO BAD MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND MUSIC THEORY?! OH GOD!! OF COURSE YOU DON'T!!"
In the aftermath of its completion, I also stumbled across a composition forum. I had been looking for one for some time so I could share and listen to other people's music. That being said, just about every single one of them is or is going to be a music major. And they all write much more interesting music than me and have so much more background in music. I felt very inspired and humbled at the same time, but had sadly realized that barely anyone composes for single guitar and/or, subsequently, no one is interested in listening to it. There are a lot of woodwind compositions (flute, clarinet, horns, or some combination thereof) and strings. Though I feel discouraged, at the same time, I will stick to it. They had a lesson forum where another forum member acts as a "teacher." I signed up as a student but my first teacher rejected me. I was about to give up right there and then but the reason he gave for rejection was because he simply didn't have enough time. I tried once more, being the stubborn ass I am, and my second one accepted me just a few minutes ago. I am happy and motivated now, but I feel as though my modulation piece isn't something I want to show off. Structurally, it is pretty good I think. Melissa has told me counterpoint is difficult to write in, and for that I am happy (I will explain what I'm talking about in a few minutes). But really, I don't know counterpoint anymore than you do (excluding Melissa and anybody else who plays piano/classical music), so I am just making it up as I go. I compose by ear.
So, first off, to "modulate" is to change things a little. Like to add to something without changing it's core; that's to modulate. It's useful in music because, although repetition of your main melody is good, if you repeat it all the time people will get bored. So that's where modulation comes in. Counterpoint is a musical style where you have two opposite melodies playing at the same time. This is opposed to two melodies where one accompanies (adds to) the other. You can start to understand why it's so difficult: you have to write two melodies that are different from each other but also sound nice when put together.
Well, moving on...
I woke up late for work today. I usually wake up and go back to sleep; that's just how I am. But I often set my phone to wake me up in 15 mins later. You'd think that would cause me to get up or something but it doesn't. I have an amazing capacity to sleep if I lay down long enough. Apparently I forgot to set my alarm to wake me up so I slept for almost another hour. Had to rush off to work. But it's not like I do much at work nowadays, especially this week. People have been coming in to do official testing so there's not much for me to do.
That reminds me, my parents are coming down at the end of the week to visit me. That means I have to clean up and stuff.
We had a guest lecture today, as part of my internship program. Ken, the guest speaker, talked about tactical data links. It really got me motivated about engineering again. For some time I've been uncertain about what my future job will be like. I'd most likely do some form of programming or another, but just what is the question. I will be concentrating in Control Systems and Theory, no doubt (for a while, I was still deciding between that and Machine Intelligence). I can't comment much on what it is, other than what you can get from its name. It has something to do with hardware and software that controls other... things. I feel as though this is the closest to Robotics that UCSD has to offer, short of being completely software-based (like Machine Intelligence). Although I have lost hope that there is any future in developing hardware as an electrical engineer, I believe CST will be at least less software orientated. I like the topic of programming, but I do not wish to solely program my entire life.
The lecture itself was about tactical data links. I admit I was daydreaming half the time about a space simulator game (flight simulator game set in space) but he definitely made it sound as though there'll be a need for CST in the future. Not so much robotics, but automation. Tactical data links are communication links between the field and command. They take the gritty details out in the field and communicate it back to a central command, where they can then respond. The tactical part refers to performing specific tasks. Other term you might hear/associate with tactical is strategic. Strategic is more general, more broad. A strategic maneuver is "taking the coast," while a tactical one is "taking out that command post on the beach." There's a fine line and I was glad I understood what he was talking about. Ironically, I picked up the terminology from video games; from when I was young. I play real-time strategy games, but most of the time they are very tactical. Although there is a strategy element to it (like determining which units to counter the enemy's units), without managing your units in battle, you would still lose even if you technically had the advantage. That's the tactical part, attacking from behind and staying out of the way of the main cannon which could destroy your unit in one hit. That is the difference, I suppose, between squad leaders and generals. One is really down to the details, the other sees the strategic picture.
So tactical data links are important. They allow you to communicate between troops and airplanes and whatever else is out there in order to perform a co-ordinated strike. Connects the fingers to the hands. Sorry for all the analogies.
On another note, I am listening to a song that I had liked a lot when I was, like, 12 or 13 or something. You can listen to it here. You should listen to it before you read on, if you want to at all.
My brother was always joking about the sexual overtones in this song. I always denied it, because I had liked the song but looking back on it now I can see why he mentioned them (if you do too, well, shame on you). At the time, though, I associated it with a very innocent image. Probably because I was still infatuated with Final Fantasy 7 and other RPGs featuring love and whatnot. The only kind of relationship I could think of at the time was a romantic, innocent one. I loved listening to it, because it generated such a powerful image to me. I still do, of course, but my brother's words always plagued me.
Right now I am still at work, talking to Jesemy, who is in Taiwan. Who should be asleep, but is not. During my last quarter of school, I usually slept at 4 or 5am, if I slept at all. The birds come out to sing at roughly that time, and the night is usually so peaceful that I can't help but feel like walking outside. Bev was never really comfortable with walking outside by herself, but as long as I felt like it wasn't deserted, I felt safe. Truth be told, I did not like to walk outside by myself at night either, because most of the time it involved me walking through poorly lit paths, surrounded by either trees or next to dark/deserted buildings. I would be slightly paranoid. I ended up outside at 2 or 3am in the morning a lot because I was at my girlfriend's dorm, who lives 20 mins away from mine. I had made that walk back many times, but I am still no less used to it than when I first walked back.
But when I was down at her place, staying up because either I had homework or she did, I would look outside and just take in the beautiful, empty night. I remembered looking up at the sky once on our way out from a dining hall and just being hit by the amazing starry sky. I had to stop just to look. I don't often see the stars anymore, or have the time to just take it in. The feeling of being so small and insignificant in the world, the universe; it was both very incredible and nostalgic. Because in my time at college, I had forgotten all about space and my dreams of being an astronaut. I so ready to take to studying and working towards being an engineer that I had forgotten.
We stood there for a while, staring up at the sky. For different reasons, I suppose. She was looking at the constellations, pointing out Orion's belt or trying to find the North star. What I saw were gigantic suns in the distance, with planets and moons. I felt like being a part of the universe and not a part of Earth. That the sky was not up and the ground below my feet, but that I was suspended in the medium of space, looking outward at other galaxies.
I don't get that feeling anywhere else. Of being consumed entirely by something. Earth seems so small to me.
That's all for now I suppose.
*Realizes he is talking to no one.*
...
Anyway, just posting because I didn't yesterday. No, it's not because I didn't want to. I resisted because I didn't want to spam updates all the time. But today is a new day so I am free to write again.
I had finished a musical piece for solo guitar yesterday. It is perhaps the first piece I have finished with the blessing of Melissa (though, really, it was more of an "okay" rather than "good job"). This piece, which still has no name but I will simply refer to it as a "Study in Modulation (in F)," reminds me of the songs I hear in a classical guitar book. Like, it's interesting to play and sounds nice, but it's not the kind you'd be humming or thinking about in your head. Melissa said it would fall under some time between late classical/early baroque, which means it's BORING and LIFELESS, but MUSICALLY INTERESTING and SOUNDS LIKE IT'S IN TUNE.
In any case, you guys can listen to it if you want, just drop me an IM. It doesn't sound like it has any feeling in it; like I don't feel connected to it, emotionally. But I am proud of it nonetheless because of its composition. I am betting that it is mostly correct, structurally. At the least, Melissa's first impression was "YOU HAVE NO INTERESTING PART THAT'S REPEATABLE" rather than "YOUR MUSIC IS SO BAD MY EARS ARE BLEEDING!! DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND MUSIC THEORY?! OH GOD!! OF COURSE YOU DON'T!!"
In the aftermath of its completion, I also stumbled across a composition forum. I had been looking for one for some time so I could share and listen to other people's music. That being said, just about every single one of them is or is going to be a music major. And they all write much more interesting music than me and have so much more background in music. I felt very inspired and humbled at the same time, but had sadly realized that barely anyone composes for single guitar and/or, subsequently, no one is interested in listening to it. There are a lot of woodwind compositions (flute, clarinet, horns, or some combination thereof) and strings. Though I feel discouraged, at the same time, I will stick to it. They had a lesson forum where another forum member acts as a "teacher." I signed up as a student but my first teacher rejected me. I was about to give up right there and then but the reason he gave for rejection was because he simply didn't have enough time. I tried once more, being the stubborn ass I am, and my second one accepted me just a few minutes ago. I am happy and motivated now, but I feel as though my modulation piece isn't something I want to show off. Structurally, it is pretty good I think. Melissa has told me counterpoint is difficult to write in, and for that I am happy (I will explain what I'm talking about in a few minutes). But really, I don't know counterpoint anymore than you do (excluding Melissa and anybody else who plays piano/classical music), so I am just making it up as I go. I compose by ear.
So, first off, to "modulate" is to change things a little. Like to add to something without changing it's core; that's to modulate. It's useful in music because, although repetition of your main melody is good, if you repeat it all the time people will get bored. So that's where modulation comes in. Counterpoint is a musical style where you have two opposite melodies playing at the same time. This is opposed to two melodies where one accompanies (adds to) the other. You can start to understand why it's so difficult: you have to write two melodies that are different from each other but also sound nice when put together.
Well, moving on...
I woke up late for work today. I usually wake up and go back to sleep; that's just how I am. But I often set my phone to wake me up in 15 mins later. You'd think that would cause me to get up or something but it doesn't. I have an amazing capacity to sleep if I lay down long enough. Apparently I forgot to set my alarm to wake me up so I slept for almost another hour. Had to rush off to work. But it's not like I do much at work nowadays, especially this week. People have been coming in to do official testing so there's not much for me to do.
That reminds me, my parents are coming down at the end of the week to visit me. That means I have to clean up and stuff.
We had a guest lecture today, as part of my internship program. Ken, the guest speaker, talked about tactical data links. It really got me motivated about engineering again. For some time I've been uncertain about what my future job will be like. I'd most likely do some form of programming or another, but just what is the question. I will be concentrating in Control Systems and Theory, no doubt (for a while, I was still deciding between that and Machine Intelligence). I can't comment much on what it is, other than what you can get from its name. It has something to do with hardware and software that controls other... things. I feel as though this is the closest to Robotics that UCSD has to offer, short of being completely software-based (like Machine Intelligence). Although I have lost hope that there is any future in developing hardware as an electrical engineer, I believe CST will be at least less software orientated. I like the topic of programming, but I do not wish to solely program my entire life.
The lecture itself was about tactical data links. I admit I was daydreaming half the time about a space simulator game (flight simulator game set in space) but he definitely made it sound as though there'll be a need for CST in the future. Not so much robotics, but automation. Tactical data links are communication links between the field and command. They take the gritty details out in the field and communicate it back to a central command, where they can then respond. The tactical part refers to performing specific tasks. Other term you might hear/associate with tactical is strategic. Strategic is more general, more broad. A strategic maneuver is "taking the coast," while a tactical one is "taking out that command post on the beach." There's a fine line and I was glad I understood what he was talking about. Ironically, I picked up the terminology from video games; from when I was young. I play real-time strategy games, but most of the time they are very tactical. Although there is a strategy element to it (like determining which units to counter the enemy's units), without managing your units in battle, you would still lose even if you technically had the advantage. That's the tactical part, attacking from behind and staying out of the way of the main cannon which could destroy your unit in one hit. That is the difference, I suppose, between squad leaders and generals. One is really down to the details, the other sees the strategic picture.
So tactical data links are important. They allow you to communicate between troops and airplanes and whatever else is out there in order to perform a co-ordinated strike. Connects the fingers to the hands. Sorry for all the analogies.
On another note, I am listening to a song that I had liked a lot when I was, like, 12 or 13 or something. You can listen to it here. You should listen to it before you read on, if you want to at all.
My brother was always joking about the sexual overtones in this song. I always denied it, because I had liked the song but looking back on it now I can see why he mentioned them (if you do too, well, shame on you). At the time, though, I associated it with a very innocent image. Probably because I was still infatuated with Final Fantasy 7 and other RPGs featuring love and whatnot. The only kind of relationship I could think of at the time was a romantic, innocent one. I loved listening to it, because it generated such a powerful image to me. I still do, of course, but my brother's words always plagued me.
Right now I am still at work, talking to Jesemy, who is in Taiwan. Who should be asleep, but is not. During my last quarter of school, I usually slept at 4 or 5am, if I slept at all. The birds come out to sing at roughly that time, and the night is usually so peaceful that I can't help but feel like walking outside. Bev was never really comfortable with walking outside by herself, but as long as I felt like it wasn't deserted, I felt safe. Truth be told, I did not like to walk outside by myself at night either, because most of the time it involved me walking through poorly lit paths, surrounded by either trees or next to dark/deserted buildings. I would be slightly paranoid. I ended up outside at 2 or 3am in the morning a lot because I was at my girlfriend's dorm, who lives 20 mins away from mine. I had made that walk back many times, but I am still no less used to it than when I first walked back.
But when I was down at her place, staying up because either I had homework or she did, I would look outside and just take in the beautiful, empty night. I remembered looking up at the sky once on our way out from a dining hall and just being hit by the amazing starry sky. I had to stop just to look. I don't often see the stars anymore, or have the time to just take it in. The feeling of being so small and insignificant in the world, the universe; it was both very incredible and nostalgic. Because in my time at college, I had forgotten all about space and my dreams of being an astronaut. I so ready to take to studying and working towards being an engineer that I had forgotten.
We stood there for a while, staring up at the sky. For different reasons, I suppose. She was looking at the constellations, pointing out Orion's belt or trying to find the North star. What I saw were gigantic suns in the distance, with planets and moons. I felt like being a part of the universe and not a part of Earth. That the sky was not up and the ground below my feet, but that I was suspended in the medium of space, looking outward at other galaxies.
I don't get that feeling anywhere else. Of being consumed entirely by something. Earth seems so small to me.
That's all for now I suppose.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
On dreams and "hella."
I woke up today from a dream about Gloria. I don't remember much (I usually don't), but I tried to retain the part that was, for a lack of a better word, "important" to me. We were meeting up again for some reason and when I got there, she proceeded to give me a hug and did not let go. At all. Despite other people talking to us.
That's not unusual in itself, if you're wondering. It was reminiscent of when we used to go out. I enjoy having physical contact; it serves as a means of affection. Probably because my mom pampered me too much as a kid. I remember she'd tell me how I used to always go around asking her for hugs (or food). I'd also always hang around, just being comforted by my mom. Sometimes I still do. My mom thinks I act like a cat since I always try to come up to her for affection.
In any case, I don't think too much about dreams. I don't think this is a sign I should break up or am "cheating" on my girlfriend (cheating in a dream? I suppose you could...). I always thought dreams were, at most, representative. That is, the people or things or places that appear in my dreams represent something else entirely, if at all. The fact that I dreamt about Gloria doesn't say anything about my feelings towards her. But I haven't seen her in a while, though, and I wonder how she's doing. She doesn't call me like she used to, and have even dropped e-mailing me. I suppose I shouldn't expect her to, as I did feel she called/relied on me a great deal while I was in college, but I'd be lying if I didn't enjoy talking to her from time to time.
I don't really want to take the initiative to talk to her again because if it means that she's moved on, even a little bit, then I would only complicate matters. It's been over a year since we went out (for the second time). That was my first relationship that lasted longer than a few weeks. I was surprised at how quickly time passed, but I guess it's all moot now. I've thought that she had moved on several times now, but sometimes I get the feeling she hasn't. A lot of people have told me she's being melodramatic and/or over-reacting, but after some time I do not think it is the case.
I think about what drives my life, what makes me want to live through each day. Why I get up in the morning at all. Why I don't just lay there the whole day (probably because of WoW). In the end, I could only really think of Bev (my girlfriend, Beverly). That fact that she depends on me (emotionally) empowers me to keep on living. I tell myself, that's what I'm living for: to make her happy. To support her. I guess that's why I've always wanted, or rather, needed, a girlfriend. And not just someone to keep me company. I wasn't interested in fleeting relationships, though it's not like my early attempts succeeded very much anyway. For most of high school experience, I was pretty alone and depressed. I found little solace in friends, or "acquaintances" in school. I reserve the use of "friend" for those I know better, and "good friends" very sparingly. I spent a lot of time writing, then. And kept myself busy with other, online endeavours. It was not really until I met my friend Jennifer did I begin to actually trust in people again. At the same time, I was also rekindling my relationship with Jimmy, who I've dropped out of contact with ever since junior high (middle school). I suppose it was just life feeling sorry for me once again. I did not get into AP English Composition like I had planned, or even regular English. I was put into a combination English/History class under the CCA (in general, an arts orientated program). It was below even normal English/History in terms of class-worth (though not necessarily easier). A lot of my old elementary/junior high friends had ended up in that class, and I wonder if they were surprised to see me there. Not because I hadn't seen them in a while, but just because I was taking classes like AP Calculus BC at the time.
Anyway, by late junior year, I was happy to say that Jimmy and I were good friends again (like we used to be back in elementary) and I had gotten along well with Jennifer. I also met Andrew but we didn't really talk much (or now, really, but I still have trust in him). Sometimes it's not necessary to be able to talk for hours on end in order to become good friends. It's just something that clicks for me. In addition, I had finally been persuaded by Jimmy to join badminton, and I thank him dearly for making me suffer through two weeks of physical conditioning that was so bad I couldn't really bend my knees or pick stuff I dropped on the ground. I also met and got along with Nancy, though I don't remember how or why. We got along so naturally that my brain doesn't even make it a point for me to remember. We've since fallen out of that, though I am not surprised. I kind of wished things would've been different, or at least, I wished we still had that. But I digress, we're still friends and badminton nerds, and she's always up to go play. It could be worse I suppose.
In any case, I was kind of pulled back to life. I never actually considered suicide, or cutting or some other form of coping that was harmful to my health. I think I am too stubborn to just give up like that. I tried to find happiness in other things, and I'm glad I held out. But for some, I think, there is none of that. For Gloria, the months following our break up were really hard. She was devastated, I imagine, but also because she had very little who she could confide in. When we met, I felt that she truly was alone. I didn't know it at the time, of course. We were just playing mixed (one boy and one girl, in badminton) out of a collective interests. I had no partner, and she wanted to play mixed. Though we had a very large, almost disparaging skill gap, I stuck around. There wasn't any other choice for me, because it was either play with her or play with some equally low levelled boy. I chose the former.
After a while, we became very close. She confided in me largely in part because I was her partner. I don't know if she realized that non-varsity pairs usually break up and reform all the time, but I guess I hadn't planned to leave her so it doesn't matter. To think that someone would confide in you just because you were their semi-permanent badminton partner... I, personally, do not trust so easily. But then again, perhaps she had no one left. Maybe Marvin. I wonder how they are doing? Marvin and Gloria were close to each other, too. But for some reason I felt it was a brother-sister relationship, and not a friend one. He was there, but he was also kind of hard on her. Gloria likes to throw around "brother" and "sister," primarily because that term is used very loosely in China. When you are a single child, living in a country full of other single children, those familial terms become downplayed. She's called me brother countless times, but I know it's not because she thinks of me like that. I would sooner say Marvin is her brother, but I have no idea where their relationship is right now.
But after we broke up, she had very few people to confide in. She probably told anyone who listened (much to the annoyances of her friends no doubt). She would call me all the time, even after I had met Bev, and I rarely turned her away. Because I knew there were few others who would give her the time. Who just wouldn't write her off as annoying and melodramatic. Because when I think about it, without Bev, I would really be back to where I was. Maybe not completely, but slowly and surely I would return there. Gloria had lost me, and her return was swift. For some, life just isn't worth living. To feel motivated is perhaps the most valuable thing in the world. To feel motivated to live life, to find happiness. And all that that encompasses.
I will most likely see her when I get back, though I don't know what her class schedule would be like. Hopefully I can still catch her during lunch, like I used to.
In any case, I feel as though she has made new friends, whether or not she likes to think so. I can see that she does not call me as often, or need me to be there to listen to her problems. In a way, I do miss that, for I dislike losing friends. It's a necessary part of life, but not always an enjoyable one. I do my best to move on as quickly as possible. Melissa had once noted that I did not miss any of my old friends, and it is true. But I haven't lost her, yet. She certainly won't let me, heh.
I can only hope that she finds more happiness than I was able to provide for her.
In other news, I saw the most hilarious t-shirt on facebook. It was one of those I <3 SF t-shirts but it had the words "hella" in the heart. I find it funny because people down in SoCal (Southern California) never say it and they think it's weird when people from North Cal say it. I almost got my girlfriend to say it once. Almost.
Still nothing to do at work....
That's not unusual in itself, if you're wondering. It was reminiscent of when we used to go out. I enjoy having physical contact; it serves as a means of affection. Probably because my mom pampered me too much as a kid. I remember she'd tell me how I used to always go around asking her for hugs (or food). I'd also always hang around, just being comforted by my mom. Sometimes I still do. My mom thinks I act like a cat since I always try to come up to her for affection.
In any case, I don't think too much about dreams. I don't think this is a sign I should break up or am "cheating" on my girlfriend (cheating in a dream? I suppose you could...). I always thought dreams were, at most, representative. That is, the people or things or places that appear in my dreams represent something else entirely, if at all. The fact that I dreamt about Gloria doesn't say anything about my feelings towards her. But I haven't seen her in a while, though, and I wonder how she's doing. She doesn't call me like she used to, and have even dropped e-mailing me. I suppose I shouldn't expect her to, as I did feel she called/relied on me a great deal while I was in college, but I'd be lying if I didn't enjoy talking to her from time to time.
I don't really want to take the initiative to talk to her again because if it means that she's moved on, even a little bit, then I would only complicate matters. It's been over a year since we went out (for the second time). That was my first relationship that lasted longer than a few weeks. I was surprised at how quickly time passed, but I guess it's all moot now. I've thought that she had moved on several times now, but sometimes I get the feeling she hasn't. A lot of people have told me she's being melodramatic and/or over-reacting, but after some time I do not think it is the case.
I think about what drives my life, what makes me want to live through each day. Why I get up in the morning at all. Why I don't just lay there the whole day (probably because of WoW). In the end, I could only really think of Bev (my girlfriend, Beverly). That fact that she depends on me (emotionally) empowers me to keep on living. I tell myself, that's what I'm living for: to make her happy. To support her. I guess that's why I've always wanted, or rather, needed, a girlfriend. And not just someone to keep me company. I wasn't interested in fleeting relationships, though it's not like my early attempts succeeded very much anyway. For most of high school experience, I was pretty alone and depressed. I found little solace in friends, or "acquaintances" in school. I reserve the use of "friend" for those I know better, and "good friends" very sparingly. I spent a lot of time writing, then. And kept myself busy with other, online endeavours. It was not really until I met my friend Jennifer did I begin to actually trust in people again. At the same time, I was also rekindling my relationship with Jimmy, who I've dropped out of contact with ever since junior high (middle school). I suppose it was just life feeling sorry for me once again. I did not get into AP English Composition like I had planned, or even regular English. I was put into a combination English/History class under the CCA (in general, an arts orientated program). It was below even normal English/History in terms of class-worth (though not necessarily easier). A lot of my old elementary/junior high friends had ended up in that class, and I wonder if they were surprised to see me there. Not because I hadn't seen them in a while, but just because I was taking classes like AP Calculus BC at the time.
Anyway, by late junior year, I was happy to say that Jimmy and I were good friends again (like we used to be back in elementary) and I had gotten along well with Jennifer. I also met Andrew but we didn't really talk much (or now, really, but I still have trust in him). Sometimes it's not necessary to be able to talk for hours on end in order to become good friends. It's just something that clicks for me. In addition, I had finally been persuaded by Jimmy to join badminton, and I thank him dearly for making me suffer through two weeks of physical conditioning that was so bad I couldn't really bend my knees or pick stuff I dropped on the ground. I also met and got along with Nancy, though I don't remember how or why. We got along so naturally that my brain doesn't even make it a point for me to remember. We've since fallen out of that, though I am not surprised. I kind of wished things would've been different, or at least, I wished we still had that. But I digress, we're still friends and badminton nerds, and she's always up to go play. It could be worse I suppose.
In any case, I was kind of pulled back to life. I never actually considered suicide, or cutting or some other form of coping that was harmful to my health. I think I am too stubborn to just give up like that. I tried to find happiness in other things, and I'm glad I held out. But for some, I think, there is none of that. For Gloria, the months following our break up were really hard. She was devastated, I imagine, but also because she had very little who she could confide in. When we met, I felt that she truly was alone. I didn't know it at the time, of course. We were just playing mixed (one boy and one girl, in badminton) out of a collective interests. I had no partner, and she wanted to play mixed. Though we had a very large, almost disparaging skill gap, I stuck around. There wasn't any other choice for me, because it was either play with her or play with some equally low levelled boy. I chose the former.
After a while, we became very close. She confided in me largely in part because I was her partner. I don't know if she realized that non-varsity pairs usually break up and reform all the time, but I guess I hadn't planned to leave her so it doesn't matter. To think that someone would confide in you just because you were their semi-permanent badminton partner... I, personally, do not trust so easily. But then again, perhaps she had no one left. Maybe Marvin. I wonder how they are doing? Marvin and Gloria were close to each other, too. But for some reason I felt it was a brother-sister relationship, and not a friend one. He was there, but he was also kind of hard on her. Gloria likes to throw around "brother" and "sister," primarily because that term is used very loosely in China. When you are a single child, living in a country full of other single children, those familial terms become downplayed. She's called me brother countless times, but I know it's not because she thinks of me like that. I would sooner say Marvin is her brother, but I have no idea where their relationship is right now.
But after we broke up, she had very few people to confide in. She probably told anyone who listened (much to the annoyances of her friends no doubt). She would call me all the time, even after I had met Bev, and I rarely turned her away. Because I knew there were few others who would give her the time. Who just wouldn't write her off as annoying and melodramatic. Because when I think about it, without Bev, I would really be back to where I was. Maybe not completely, but slowly and surely I would return there. Gloria had lost me, and her return was swift. For some, life just isn't worth living. To feel motivated is perhaps the most valuable thing in the world. To feel motivated to live life, to find happiness. And all that that encompasses.
I will most likely see her when I get back, though I don't know what her class schedule would be like. Hopefully I can still catch her during lunch, like I used to.
In any case, I feel as though she has made new friends, whether or not she likes to think so. I can see that she does not call me as often, or need me to be there to listen to her problems. In a way, I do miss that, for I dislike losing friends. It's a necessary part of life, but not always an enjoyable one. I do my best to move on as quickly as possible. Melissa had once noted that I did not miss any of my old friends, and it is true. But I haven't lost her, yet. She certainly won't let me, heh.
I can only hope that she finds more happiness than I was able to provide for her.
In other news, I saw the most hilarious t-shirt on facebook. It was one of those I <3 SF t-shirts but it had the words "hella" in the heart. I find it funny because people down in SoCal (Southern California) never say it and they think it's weird when people from North Cal say it. I almost got my girlfriend to say it once. Almost.
Still nothing to do at work....
Monday, July 20, 2009
Recapping my first year of college (because I have time). Part 2.
Okay, so back. I had spam and rice, because between the two of us (my brother is also living down here in SD with me), none of us can really cook.
I read my previous post. Sorry for all the typos. I kind of just finished and hit submit. I promise I'll edit this one.
I live in an apartment about 10 mins (walking distance) from where I work. It's really convenient and my mom was really lucky to have found it for me. In general, I think I'm a pretty lucky guy. I got into UCSD despite having piss-poor grades and academic acheivement, I got a sometimes clingy (but we're working on giving me space) but really caring and loving girlfriend. And I got an internship my first year of college. I don't know if most of you know, but it's nigh impossible for a first year to get an internship. Or second, even. Most are third years before they even begin any internships. And to top it all off, I work at a Department of Defense (DoD) contracted company, so there's a lot of prestige attatched to it. Not much work experience here, in my opinion, but it definitely looks good on paper. And that's all that matters.
The application for this internship actually asked me to submit two letters of recommendations. I only submitted one, which was my MATH20D teacher who I ended up bugging a week prior to write one for me. But he was definitely a nice guy, and I'm really lucky (there it is again) to have him. On a side note, during one of my cram sessions where I had like 2 hours of sleep, I happened across a flyer for an Integration bee scheduled to go in an hour. It's like a race. Of integrating. After tossing and turning over it (because my girlfriend was with me and neither of us had gotten much sleep), she let me go do it because she loves me so god damn much. I felt bad about making her stay up just to watch me fail at the Integration bee, but I was happy that I took it. In the lower division group, I managed to pull runner-up out of 8 or 10 people. I got a 15 dollar giftcard to the UCSD bookstore that is still in my wallet. I don't know what to do with it, but I was pleasantly surprised. We stayed to watch the upper division and graduate level competition (they had far fewer participants) and it was awesome. At least to me. My girlfriend seemed to enjoy it but we were both so sleep deprived I couldn't tell.
I always liked math. Math is my thing. I forget how to do specific problems pretty easily, but I always understand the concepts. Or tried to. Differential equations (MATH20D) was pretty difficult conceptually; I ended up with a B+ because I tried to understand and ended up not reading the last chapter. Which was what the final was on. (insert FML).
By the way, thanks to Wing for getting me hooked on FML. I love that website. I should read it when I'm done with these posts. Wing is my friend who is also an electrical engineer (we refer to it as ECE at UCSD). She was also my partner for Intro to Circuits (ECE25), whom, without, I probably would have never figured out that the power supply was off half the time and that's why our circuit wasn't running (the other half of the time I was pointing it out to her).
In any case, linear algebra (MATH20F) was very concept heavy, and I pulled out with a STELLAR (lol) A. A lot of people hated that class; probably because they couldn't trudge through the problems like they used to. Again, I'm reminded of how intellectually disappointing UCSD is.
Let's go over my winter quarter classes:
========
Winter '09
========
How White People Suck DOC 2
Intro to Circuits (ECE25)
Linear Algebra (MATH20F)
Physics-Mechanics (PHYS2A)
Chamber Singers (MUS95K)
For those of you who are wondering what the hell I am doing learning linear algebra, and why I didn't take that in, like, kindergarten, I'll explain. Linear algebra is about vectors (commonly written in matrices which is probably why you've been told it's about matrices). It's about these vectors, in specific vector spaces (like 2 or 3-dimensions), and transformation of one space to another (like 2 TO 3). This sounds like geometry, I admit (there's certainly a lot of pictures), but it is really different. A lot of it is very conceptual, because as soon as you move out of analogies of 2 or 3-dimensions, it is nothing like what you've been doing. Certainly if you have knowledge of matrix operations (which I know a lot of you do because you came from my high school), then you would be fine on the MATH side of it. The CONCEPTUAL side comes in when you talk about vector spaces that are NOT physical dimensions. For example, think about a plane that only draws DIAGONAL LINES. Oh man. What about straight ones? NO. ONLY DIAGONALS. So you might be asked if a certain vector is possible to exist inside that vector space. Obviously a straight one does not exist in a diagonal-only vector space. But then you start throwing in MORE dimensions than is physical possible (I don't know, like 4), and you start going random on me by saying "Okay, this vector space is defined with these four vectors. They create a vector space. Is THIS vector in it?" I DON'T KNOW. But, with linear algebra, you can find out.
It's all very complicated. This is probably why people hate it. There's a lot of application for linear algebra that you'll just have to find out for yourself one day. Or not. In that case you don't have to worry.
For this quarter I had 20 (13.3 for semester) units. This is because my DOC class levelled up and was worth 6 units now instead of 4 (since we met for discussion twice a week). A typical 4-unit class meets three times a week for lecture at 50 minutes, or twice a week for 1 hour and 20 minutes, in addition to one discussion section for 50 mins. Now, DOC discussion sections are mandatory so they make up for it by giving us more units. Great. Thanks UCSD.
Strangely enough I had a lot of time and wasn't pressured at all that quarter. This is because, despite my amount of units, my classes were all relatively easy. Except PHYS2A, which I now know I suck at. Man I suck at all kinds of physics. And I never knew. High school physics just doesn't compare. At all. Even AP Physics B. I really hope they have AP Physics C now at IHS.
But I'm not a Mechanical/Aerospace Engineer so I don't care too much. I managed to pull off an A in Physics-Electromagnetism, though. I think I really deserved that one (even if my A was only 0.58% above the cutoff for A-). I tried really hard, I went to the problem sessions and I did (mostly) all of the homework. I was pleased, but I ended up getting an A- in DOC and a B in Java programming. I'm not being Asian. It's ridiculous to try and get a job without a decent GPA (read: around 3.5) and some experience. My GPA right now is a little above 3.5, so I'm just hoping I can maintain it.
I envy the people that can waste their time learning music or art. They have the money to waste their life like that. My girlfriend and I were talking about letting our kids do whatever they want. But I thought about it and we decided that, whatever they want falls within reason. As much as I'd like to throw thousands out the window so my kid can become a great artist, he or she needs to get a grip on reality first. Without a decent job, even if I can support them, they're going to fail in life. I won't pamper my kids, if I ever make a decent living. I'm sure I'll look back on this one day and laugh, but that's my resolve for now. Even though my parents told me I could do whatever I want after I graduated with a degree, I know it's not true. I know it won't be true for my kids either, but hopefully they won't have to work for the rest of their lives to take care of their kids. Maybe they can actually learn whatever they want after a few years of working. Build up a little experience.
I always wanted to do a million things all at once. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to learn how to paint. I wanted to learn how to make music. To learn Mandarin. Japanese. Korean. Cantonese (now). Vietnamese (mine is crap). German. French. All sorts of languages. I wanted to make games. To play badminton. Fencing. Aikido.
Melissa tells me I can still do some of these things. A little part of me thinks so too, but I know it's the dreamer. Between the two of us, I'd have to say I'm more pragmatic. She also likes to say we both have the same capacity for success (or rather, I have enough of it, though not necessarily on the same level as hers...) and that if I just stopped moping around and changed myself, I could do some or most of these things. But I dream, too. I dream about writing epic stories, drawing manga, making video games. Being good at badminton, or fencing. No matter what, I can't seem to motivate myself. I'm too content to just stay where I am. To just do what I've always been doing. I'm not much of a person for change, I guess.
I wonder sometimes just how much of her dreams she had accomplished? She is certainly a talented artist, and a good pianist (even if she has that habit of stopping to fix errors while performing that I find so annoying, similar to my girlfriend). Her knowledge of music theory is pretty sound; I always go to her when I write something I'm particularly proud of just so she can rip it apart for me. That has been happening less of late, though. She is certainly the successful one, and I'm sure she'd have me believe it's through her own efforts.
I'd like to believe I've gotten to where I am the same way, but it seems I'm just another lucky guy. I don't ever get what I want but I get enough. Luck is life's way of making it up to you for screwing you over.
Speaking of screwing one's self over, let's talk about my epic-fail third quarter:
========
Spring '09
========
DOC3
Physics-Electromagnetism (PHYS2B)
Java Programming (CSE11)
Mandarin (CHIN13A)
Cantonese (LIDS19)
Chamber Singers (MUS95K)
Intro to Computer Engineering (ECE30; dropped)
To start off, this intial line-up was 27 (18) units. You are restricted to a maximum of 22 units before you are required to fill out a unit overload form. After I dropped ECE30 it was only 23 (15.3) units.
I was supposed to take ECE35 (Intro to Analog Design) but it conflicted with my PHYS2B lecture which was a corequisite (meaning I had to take it at, at least, the same time, if not prior). After a few e-mails back and forth, they basically said there was nothing they could do about it and told me to take ECE30 instead (which I was not to take until the end of my sophomore year). For good reason. I dropped that class after I got a 6/22 on the first major quiz. And it's not like I was beating/ahead/anywhere near the curve. I was getting owned pretty bad. After I dropped they sent me an e-mail telling me they fixed up the scores and apologized for grading too hard. I got a 9. I decided 3 points wasn't enough to make me want to go back to class and so I left it like it was.
Cantonese was a 2 unit course my girlfriend roped me into taking with her. She is Chinese and speaks Taishan/Taaisaan/Toisaan/Hoisaan. No, they are not four different dialects of Chinese, it is just the many different ways to say it. I personally like to go for Taishan because I started learning Mandarin and that's how you pronounce it, but my girlfriend and Cynthia like to say Toisaan. In our Canto-book, it's called Taaisaan (but I don't think this is the right way to say it, just the Mandarin phonetic-translation). In any case, just stick with Taishan or Toisaan and you'll be okay. Taishan is a dialect of Cantonese but as most of you know that means completely nothing and it's really hard to understand any dialect of Chinese if you don't hear/speak it personally. That being said, I had a really easy time with the tones because it was like a combination of Mandarin and Vietnamese. My girlfriend, who insisted that Taishan had no tones and that she never used them (she does, only very slightly and naturally so that even she doesn't know), ended up struggling very hard with Cantonese. I was pretty hard on her (like I usually am, for some reason I cannot figure out but feel guilty about all the time). After a while she sort of got it, at which I was so unbelievably impressed because I had just about given up hope but we were all too busy cramming to care at that point. It was such a time-consuming process that we procrastinated on (because I never wanted to learn it by myself because then she'd be left behind, and she would never want to learn anymore despite making me take it with her in the first place because she had such a hard time with it). In the end, learning very little actual Cantonese and a lot of useless phrases and particles like "a," "la," "laak," "leh," and "daak," we decided we would never try to learn Cantonese again unless it was in a classroom setting.
At UCSD, we learned from a book and audio tapes. Suffice to say this is perhaps the worst way to learn Cantonese because, to me, the concept of the self-motivating student inspires an image of two very large stones. Doing nothing. And that is the self-motivating student. Except, unfortunately for us, we had a person who would test us on the chapters we were assigned. We had two tests, and for the first we crammed about 8 lessons into six days. Those 8 lessons were supposedly spread out over five weeks. We had gotten very little sleep.
On top of that terrible "2 unit" class, I also had DOC 3 which, unlike DOC 2, but similar to DOC 1, was what remains after a star has gone nova. Even more so because my lecturer for that class, due to the overwhelming number of class conflicts I had to schedule around because I initially signed up for 7, was one which assigned more reading than the other lectures (there were 2 others). Though I liked DOC 3 the most, it was a lot of work and a lot of the readings were useless.
DOC 1 was a lot of reading about discrimination, stereotypes, and how it all came about in America. This isn't just about slavery and oppression of blacks. This is about ethnic minorities and how race was defined socially, who or who "wasn't" white, what it meant to be white, and how it affected society. It's more like background information. It isn't ever used directly by any of the other DOC classes; you just had to know it. DOC 2 is all about Supreme Court cases related to civil rights. It was very interesting because most of it was philosophical since the law has to be interpreted sometimes. DOC 3 is about culture. It talks about how culture is created and influenced by people who are in turn influenced by culture. You look at things like music, poems, stories, and movies to find where culture influenced them. It's like breaking down a puzzle and trying to figure out which part does what for the puzzle.
It's much more interesting than I can describe it, but only if you can keep an open mind and are willing to try new things. The readings are terrible to go through. They told me they cut down a lot of it, but it still feels like a lot is repeated/useless information. They expect you to read and interpret a lot of it on your own, but people like me (and not like my girlfriend) suck at it.
I'm going to start writing about my next year. I'll post this for now.
I read my previous post. Sorry for all the typos. I kind of just finished and hit submit. I promise I'll edit this one.
I live in an apartment about 10 mins (walking distance) from where I work. It's really convenient and my mom was really lucky to have found it for me. In general, I think I'm a pretty lucky guy. I got into UCSD despite having piss-poor grades and academic acheivement, I got a sometimes clingy (but we're working on giving me space) but really caring and loving girlfriend. And I got an internship my first year of college. I don't know if most of you know, but it's nigh impossible for a first year to get an internship. Or second, even. Most are third years before they even begin any internships. And to top it all off, I work at a Department of Defense (DoD) contracted company, so there's a lot of prestige attatched to it. Not much work experience here, in my opinion, but it definitely looks good on paper. And that's all that matters.
The application for this internship actually asked me to submit two letters of recommendations. I only submitted one, which was my MATH20D teacher who I ended up bugging a week prior to write one for me. But he was definitely a nice guy, and I'm really lucky (there it is again) to have him. On a side note, during one of my cram sessions where I had like 2 hours of sleep, I happened across a flyer for an Integration bee scheduled to go in an hour. It's like a race. Of integrating. After tossing and turning over it (because my girlfriend was with me and neither of us had gotten much sleep), she let me go do it because she loves me so god damn much. I felt bad about making her stay up just to watch me fail at the Integration bee, but I was happy that I took it. In the lower division group, I managed to pull runner-up out of 8 or 10 people. I got a 15 dollar giftcard to the UCSD bookstore that is still in my wallet. I don't know what to do with it, but I was pleasantly surprised. We stayed to watch the upper division and graduate level competition (they had far fewer participants) and it was awesome. At least to me. My girlfriend seemed to enjoy it but we were both so sleep deprived I couldn't tell.
I always liked math. Math is my thing. I forget how to do specific problems pretty easily, but I always understand the concepts. Or tried to. Differential equations (MATH20D) was pretty difficult conceptually; I ended up with a B+ because I tried to understand and ended up not reading the last chapter. Which was what the final was on. (insert FML).
By the way, thanks to Wing for getting me hooked on FML. I love that website. I should read it when I'm done with these posts. Wing is my friend who is also an electrical engineer (we refer to it as ECE at UCSD). She was also my partner for Intro to Circuits (ECE25), whom, without, I probably would have never figured out that the power supply was off half the time and that's why our circuit wasn't running (the other half of the time I was pointing it out to her).
In any case, linear algebra (MATH20F) was very concept heavy, and I pulled out with a STELLAR (lol) A. A lot of people hated that class; probably because they couldn't trudge through the problems like they used to. Again, I'm reminded of how intellectually disappointing UCSD is.
Let's go over my winter quarter classes:
========
Winter '09
========
Intro to Circuits (ECE25)
Linear Algebra (MATH20F)
Physics-Mechanics (PHYS2A)
Chamber Singers (MUS95K)
For those of you who are wondering what the hell I am doing learning linear algebra, and why I didn't take that in, like, kindergarten, I'll explain. Linear algebra is about vectors (commonly written in matrices which is probably why you've been told it's about matrices). It's about these vectors, in specific vector spaces (like 2 or 3-dimensions), and transformation of one space to another (like 2 TO 3). This sounds like geometry, I admit (there's certainly a lot of pictures), but it is really different. A lot of it is very conceptual, because as soon as you move out of analogies of 2 or 3-dimensions, it is nothing like what you've been doing. Certainly if you have knowledge of matrix operations (which I know a lot of you do because you came from my high school), then you would be fine on the MATH side of it. The CONCEPTUAL side comes in when you talk about vector spaces that are NOT physical dimensions. For example, think about a plane that only draws DIAGONAL LINES. Oh man. What about straight ones? NO. ONLY DIAGONALS. So you might be asked if a certain vector is possible to exist inside that vector space. Obviously a straight one does not exist in a diagonal-only vector space. But then you start throwing in MORE dimensions than is physical possible (I don't know, like 4), and you start going random on me by saying "Okay, this vector space is defined with these four vectors. They create a vector space. Is THIS vector in it?" I DON'T KNOW. But, with linear algebra, you can find out.
It's all very complicated. This is probably why people hate it. There's a lot of application for linear algebra that you'll just have to find out for yourself one day. Or not. In that case you don't have to worry.
For this quarter I had 20 (13.3 for semester) units. This is because my DOC class levelled up and was worth 6 units now instead of 4 (since we met for discussion twice a week). A typical 4-unit class meets three times a week for lecture at 50 minutes, or twice a week for 1 hour and 20 minutes, in addition to one discussion section for 50 mins. Now, DOC discussion sections are mandatory so they make up for it by giving us more units. Great. Thanks UCSD.
Strangely enough I had a lot of time and wasn't pressured at all that quarter. This is because, despite my amount of units, my classes were all relatively easy. Except PHYS2A, which I now know I suck at. Man I suck at all kinds of physics. And I never knew. High school physics just doesn't compare. At all. Even AP Physics B. I really hope they have AP Physics C now at IHS.
But I'm not a Mechanical/Aerospace Engineer so I don't care too much. I managed to pull off an A in Physics-Electromagnetism, though. I think I really deserved that one (even if my A was only 0.58% above the cutoff for A-). I tried really hard, I went to the problem sessions and I did (mostly) all of the homework. I was pleased, but I ended up getting an A- in DOC and a B in Java programming. I'm not being Asian. It's ridiculous to try and get a job without a decent GPA (read: around 3.5) and some experience. My GPA right now is a little above 3.5, so I'm just hoping I can maintain it.
I envy the people that can waste their time learning music or art. They have the money to waste their life like that. My girlfriend and I were talking about letting our kids do whatever they want. But I thought about it and we decided that, whatever they want falls within reason. As much as I'd like to throw thousands out the window so my kid can become a great artist, he or she needs to get a grip on reality first. Without a decent job, even if I can support them, they're going to fail in life. I won't pamper my kids, if I ever make a decent living. I'm sure I'll look back on this one day and laugh, but that's my resolve for now. Even though my parents told me I could do whatever I want after I graduated with a degree, I know it's not true. I know it won't be true for my kids either, but hopefully they won't have to work for the rest of their lives to take care of their kids. Maybe they can actually learn whatever they want after a few years of working. Build up a little experience.
I always wanted to do a million things all at once. I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to learn how to paint. I wanted to learn how to make music. To learn Mandarin. Japanese. Korean. Cantonese (now). Vietnamese (mine is crap). German. French. All sorts of languages. I wanted to make games. To play badminton. Fencing. Aikido.
Melissa tells me I can still do some of these things. A little part of me thinks so too, but I know it's the dreamer. Between the two of us, I'd have to say I'm more pragmatic. She also likes to say we both have the same capacity for success (or rather, I have enough of it, though not necessarily on the same level as hers...) and that if I just stopped moping around and changed myself, I could do some or most of these things. But I dream, too. I dream about writing epic stories, drawing manga, making video games. Being good at badminton, or fencing. No matter what, I can't seem to motivate myself. I'm too content to just stay where I am. To just do what I've always been doing. I'm not much of a person for change, I guess.
I wonder sometimes just how much of her dreams she had accomplished? She is certainly a talented artist, and a good pianist (even if she has that habit of stopping to fix errors while performing that I find so annoying, similar to my girlfriend). Her knowledge of music theory is pretty sound; I always go to her when I write something I'm particularly proud of just so she can rip it apart for me. That has been happening less of late, though. She is certainly the successful one, and I'm sure she'd have me believe it's through her own efforts.
I'd like to believe I've gotten to where I am the same way, but it seems I'm just another lucky guy. I don't ever get what I want but I get enough. Luck is life's way of making it up to you for screwing you over.
Speaking of screwing one's self over, let's talk about my epic-fail third quarter:
========
Spring '09
========
DOC3
Physics-Electromagnetism (PHYS2B)
Java Programming (CSE11)
Mandarin (CHIN13A)
Cantonese (LIDS19)
Chamber Singers (MUS95K)
Intro to Computer Engineering (ECE30; dropped)
To start off, this intial line-up was 27 (18) units. You are restricted to a maximum of 22 units before you are required to fill out a unit overload form. After I dropped ECE30 it was only 23 (15.3) units.
I was supposed to take ECE35 (Intro to Analog Design) but it conflicted with my PHYS2B lecture which was a corequisite (meaning I had to take it at, at least, the same time, if not prior). After a few e-mails back and forth, they basically said there was nothing they could do about it and told me to take ECE30 instead (which I was not to take until the end of my sophomore year). For good reason. I dropped that class after I got a 6/22 on the first major quiz. And it's not like I was beating/ahead/anywhere near the curve. I was getting owned pretty bad. After I dropped they sent me an e-mail telling me they fixed up the scores and apologized for grading too hard. I got a 9. I decided 3 points wasn't enough to make me want to go back to class and so I left it like it was.
Cantonese was a 2 unit course my girlfriend roped me into taking with her. She is Chinese and speaks Taishan/Taaisaan/Toisaan/Hoisaan. No, they are not four different dialects of Chinese, it is just the many different ways to say it. I personally like to go for Taishan because I started learning Mandarin and that's how you pronounce it, but my girlfriend and Cynthia like to say Toisaan. In our Canto-book, it's called Taaisaan (but I don't think this is the right way to say it, just the Mandarin phonetic-translation). In any case, just stick with Taishan or Toisaan and you'll be okay. Taishan is a dialect of Cantonese but as most of you know that means completely nothing and it's really hard to understand any dialect of Chinese if you don't hear/speak it personally. That being said, I had a really easy time with the tones because it was like a combination of Mandarin and Vietnamese. My girlfriend, who insisted that Taishan had no tones and that she never used them (she does, only very slightly and naturally so that even she doesn't know), ended up struggling very hard with Cantonese. I was pretty hard on her (like I usually am, for some reason I cannot figure out but feel guilty about all the time). After a while she sort of got it, at which I was so unbelievably impressed because I had just about given up hope but we were all too busy cramming to care at that point. It was such a time-consuming process that we procrastinated on (because I never wanted to learn it by myself because then she'd be left behind, and she would never want to learn anymore despite making me take it with her in the first place because she had such a hard time with it). In the end, learning very little actual Cantonese and a lot of useless phrases and particles like "a," "la," "laak," "leh," and "daak," we decided we would never try to learn Cantonese again unless it was in a classroom setting.
At UCSD, we learned from a book and audio tapes. Suffice to say this is perhaps the worst way to learn Cantonese because, to me, the concept of the self-motivating student inspires an image of two very large stones. Doing nothing. And that is the self-motivating student. Except, unfortunately for us, we had a person who would test us on the chapters we were assigned. We had two tests, and for the first we crammed about 8 lessons into six days. Those 8 lessons were supposedly spread out over five weeks. We had gotten very little sleep.
On top of that terrible "2 unit" class, I also had DOC 3 which, unlike DOC 2, but similar to DOC 1, was what remains after a star has gone nova. Even more so because my lecturer for that class, due to the overwhelming number of class conflicts I had to schedule around because I initially signed up for 7, was one which assigned more reading than the other lectures (there were 2 others). Though I liked DOC 3 the most, it was a lot of work and a lot of the readings were useless.
DOC 1 was a lot of reading about discrimination, stereotypes, and how it all came about in America. This isn't just about slavery and oppression of blacks. This is about ethnic minorities and how race was defined socially, who or who "wasn't" white, what it meant to be white, and how it affected society. It's more like background information. It isn't ever used directly by any of the other DOC classes; you just had to know it. DOC 2 is all about Supreme Court cases related to civil rights. It was very interesting because most of it was philosophical since the law has to be interpreted sometimes. DOC 3 is about culture. It talks about how culture is created and influenced by people who are in turn influenced by culture. You look at things like music, poems, stories, and movies to find where culture influenced them. It's like breaking down a puzzle and trying to figure out which part does what for the puzzle.
It's much more interesting than I can describe it, but only if you can keep an open mind and are willing to try new things. The readings are terrible to go through. They told me they cut down a lot of it, but it still feels like a lot is repeated/useless information. They expect you to read and interpret a lot of it on your own, but people like me (and not like my girlfriend) suck at it.
I'm going to start writing about my next year. I'll post this for now.
Posting at Work. Because I can (Part 1).
mid-post edit: I'M IN SAN DIEGO PEOPLE. POINT LOMA. NOT FREMONT (fyi). I know I probably didn't tell a lot of you. If any of you bothered to read my blog post, you now know. I guess that's probably like, one more of you (since I just told Andrew). I'm on an internship. I've been down here since the last week of June. I will be back the beginning of September, which will be immediately followed by non-stop badminton until I die of exhaustion. Then I will be available again.
So for those who don't know, I made this blog because Ms. Piekarski (my 12th grade AP [U.S.] Government/Economics Honors teacher) made us keep a "current events" journal. Most of the post (actually, all of them except the previous one) are BS'd reports on CEs that I did at 2AM in the morning because it was due that day. I tried to pick interesting ones. After a while I gave up.
Although the reports were for a grade, the rest of this site (the layout, the name) was a joke. I thought it was funny.
I still think it is funny.
In any case, I feel like keeping a blog because I have (almost) nothing to do at work despite being paid 550 week for 10 weeks. This comes down to roughly 13.75 an hour. I've kept a blog before, but I ended up posting one-liners because I realized no one gave a crap about my day and then I ended up writing stories because it was more interesting than writing about my day. Nothing's really changed, except I cannot write stories anymore so I guess I'm back to writing about my life. I'm no longer a pre-adolescent teen with too much time on his hands, so maybe it will be a bit more interesting.
To start off, let's talk about World of Warcraft. I play it. It's consumed my life. I've roughly gained 55 levels in almost a month and have even beaten a guildie who has been playing for god knows how much longer than me. I feel vaguely accomplished, but at the same time know that I get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep depending on how tired I am/how much I want to level up.
I started playing because my brother started playing a while ago and he told me how great it was and, since I really missed playing MMO's, I decided to try it out. I am deciding whether or not to continue my subscription for August, though honestly I have nothing else to do down here in San Diego.
My brother's guild, or rather, the guild he's apart of, is comprised mostly of SJSU and related buddies. It started as a joke, he told me. He suggested the name and having a pink tabbard with a white heart on it (a tabbard is something you can wear to show off your guild on your character's chest). He was overruled, I suppose. Since then it has grown to include siblings of SJSU buddies (like me), friends of SJSU buddies that might or might not go to SJSU, and then just people who've met SJSU buddies on WoW in general. It's gotten fairly big, or bigger than I would expect it to. There's almost a festive feel to it when a dozen people are all online to do a raid (cooperative mission). That's why I'm trying to hurry my way to level 80 so I can join them. All I ever want to do is explore the different areas though. That's all I ever did in Guild Wars too. And Freelancer. There might be a trend here...
On another note, Andrew IM'd me at around 2AM in the morning. It was a link to a phishing website (a disguised website designed to "phish" for your password/other info). I realized it was when it prompted me for a password, but I wonder if it spammed his entire buddy list and if so, how many fell for it. It reminded me of my spyware/malware battling days, when it'd grip my entire computer and pretty much proceed to own the crap out of it. Suffice to say I've gotten over those problems (thankfully), and I've come out a little more wiser about the power of google to solve ANYTHING given the right key words.
So for the most part of this morning, I have been trying to organize my classes for next year. And pretty much my entire shool year. Believe it or not, you can't go blindly through college without preparing classes at least a year in advance. It's a lot of work but it's worth it to look up what classes you may or may not take a given quarter (because some are only offered certain quarters) and how much of a workload that may be. My first quarter went something like this:
=====
Fall '08
=====
Dimensions of Culture 1 (Humanities/Writing combination class specific to my college)
Differential Equations (MATH20D)
Engineering Computation (ECE15)
Chemistry 1 (CHEM6A)
Chamber Singers (MUS95K)
Dimensions of Culture (just called DOC because no one runs around screaming Dimensions of Culture), a three-course mandatory sequence, can be summed up quite succintly as "how WHITE MALES suck." White and males being the key word here. It's basically a course designed to open up topics about discrimination. I certainly was pretty clueless about it (probably much to my girlfriend's dissappointment) about discrimination, stereotypes, and how America perpetuates all of it. It's very eye-opening, and I thought the material was very thought-provoking. Too bad all the required reading and crap takes up so much time and effort that no one bother to read it, and that discussion consists of students who repeat what the TA said, intermixed with a story about how their dog died, the title of some reading we were supposed to read, and the words "culture," "discrimination," and "I don't know what the hell I'm talking about." It's very saddening. I expected so much more, intellectually, from people at UC San Diego. But I suppose we're all UC Berkeley and Los Angeles rejects, so there's not much to say there.
Sometimes I wish I did end up at Berkeley. Apparently I can transfer in through a "Lower-Division transfer" if I tried, but the acceptance rate for that is pretty low. Like, '09-high-school-kids-trying-to-get-into-a-UC low. I would try, really. Is it worth it? The only thing I'd have to give up is my girlfriend. All the promises we've made. The late-night food runs. The sleeping over at Price Center (restaurant center of UCSD) on semi-comfortable sofas together. Falling asleep together from staying up the night before. I would turn into that student my parents always wanted. That kind of high-acheiving (maybe, my major at UCB is pretty competitive), study-orientated kid who doesn't get a girlfriend until he's graduated and is completely closed off to other people. I could be that kid, the one that doesn't talk to anyone and always studies. Who's so self-absorbed that he'd abandon even his girlfriend. All to fulfill some need to be recognized as an academically superior student. To use the utmost of his intellect and capabilities.
I could be that person. I could live like that. At the least, I'd have Melissa right? But probably not really. She seems pretty content with her own group of friends. I haven't made many friends in San Diego (though I have made one enemy). I wish I don't have as much self-control as I do, or otherwise I would be one roommate down and infinitely more happy. But that is another issue. Cynthia-M has told me that he does not make fun of me anymore, or my girlfriend, so for that I am happy. I was under the impression he continues to do so. Any less control and I would punch his face in and throw him out the window. I was seriously considering it at one point, but it is moot. He is gone; out of my life. Hopefully, forever. Living with my family, especially my brother, has made me learn a lot of self-control. Maybe more than some people deserve.
In any case, I do not think I will pursue a transfer. I imagine Melissa must be disappointed, as she usually is, not in my reluctancy to join her at UCB, but rather, in my apathy towards higher acheivement. It may seem silly to say that I would give up self-fulfillment (and being closer to my hometown) just for a girl who've I've only known, really, for little more than half a year. I have no reasonable justification. Part-obligation, part-UCB-is-so-competitive, part-something-tells-me-I-don't-want-to.
Coming back to my first quarter at UCSD, when I wasn't being consumed by the blackhole that was DOC, I was busy pulling my hair out trying to figure out C programming. I look back on that class with very fond, very proud, feelings. Though I hated that class, my first real foray into programming has been fun, if not frustrating. I do not regret not attending a single lecture or discussion after the first week except when and ONLY when I was taking my midterm (the final was take home). I ended up stopping midway between my final program (it consisted of a few) that was due that very night just to see Irvington High School's (IHS) chamber choir. I also went to surprise Gloria, who, just mintues after getting off the phone with her about not being able to go, I decided to myself I would and rushed there while it was beginning. I've always enjoyed choir (even IHS's, though I cannot say much for Ms. Olsen/Mrs. Bell; I always called her Ms. Olsen despite coming in when she was already married). She was nice, the keyword being WAS and certainly before I came in. I sat by myself, quietly reflecting and enjoying the concert. Gloria didn't realize I was there until I came up behind her after the concert, though. I was surprised, but I don't remember why. She immediately glomped me, of course, after having not seen me since turkey-break.
I came home later that night to finish the program but I couldn't make very much headway. It was partially correct, but it was giving me incorrect output. That program consisted of some 2000 lines fo code I think. Or maybe it was 800. In any case, it was so big that it started to lag my Pentium 4 computer. I ran through the program without ever testing any of the code, only hoping to God it would at least compile. The process for code writing consists of writing and compiling. Once you've written it, you have to "compile" it so that the machine can read it. But if your program was hastily written and untested, you would get compile errors. As in, it can't even begin to run. Like mine. I debugged it into a compilable state, thankfully, but it gave incorrect output. And I left it at that. I got a B in the class.
Which is pretty damn good in my opinion, given that I did not attend lecture/discussion. I don't think it would've helped much, though; the teacher was pretty bad I've heard (of course, I wouldn't know) and the TAs were pretty helpless in terms of getting your program done. My friend, Wing, failed the course despite going to every lecture and discussion. It is some small respite, but I know for sure there were a lot of people who did very well.
Since then I've taken another programming class (because I'm sadistic or something) and, no surprise, another B. I am taking another, even harder one next quarter. Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Because despite my disgust, frustration, and pure hate for programming, some part of me loves every bit of it; like bittersweetness. For no other reason than the simple fact that I can see the results (or more often, failures) of a maddening adherence to ambiguous syntax rules and key words. It's a little empowering. Plus I know that I will have to do this for my job, no doubt. As much as I hate to say it, and destroy whatever misconstrued ideals you had about electrical engineers, we all sit in a sweaty, fan-whirring room on our little computers tapping away at code. Forever. We are glorified computer science majors. Without programming experience, there is no way I'd ever make it out in the work force.
Academically, though, there's no reason for me to take the programming classes that I am (outside of ECE15) because other engineering classes can certainly replace them. In fact, one engineering course would replace two (because one was a pre-requisite for the class I am going to take), but that is moot, really. The programming experience is invaluable because it is something I can put down on my resume that actually helps.
All and all, my first quarter consisted of 18 units. For Melissa, my, like, one single friend from UCB who goes by semester units and not quarter units like most of the other UCs, it is equivalently 12 units. Usually students take 16 (10.67) units. Some even take 12 (8). Though it doesn't seem like a lot, I can tell you the workload was certainly overwhelming.
DOC took up some 10-14 hours a week, CHEM6A was at least 6 hours a week (or, if you did it my way, 12 hours the day before the test every two weeks for eight weeks), ECE15 varying depending on how far I was in the class (the last few projects were nigh-impossible, only 1/3 of the class submitted anything at all the last homework assignment), but no doubt also time consuming. MATH20D wasn't that difficult but you had to put out a couple hours a week to do homework. To top that off, I took chamber choir. Because I wanted to. Don't judge me.
Considering how "easy" classes are roughly 3-4 hours, "okay" classes 5-8, and anything 9+ was a blackhole, I had roughly two hard classes and two medium ones. Plus choir. Which exists on its own plane. Not that it means much for you overacheivers back in high school, but I'd say it'd be equivalent to taking 3 AP classes and two normal classes, and choir. I'll talk about the next quarter when I come back (Winter '09), because I'm hungry and I'm going to get off to work to go home and eat.
I'M NOT DONE. BRB.
So for those who don't know, I made this blog because Ms. Piekarski (my 12th grade AP [U.S.] Government/Economics Honors teacher) made us keep a "current events" journal. Most of the post (actually, all of them except the previous one) are BS'd reports on CEs that I did at 2AM in the morning because it was due that day. I tried to pick interesting ones. After a while I gave up.
Although the reports were for a grade, the rest of this site (the layout, the name) was a joke. I thought it was funny.
I still think it is funny.
In any case, I feel like keeping a blog because I have (almost) nothing to do at work despite being paid 550 week for 10 weeks. This comes down to roughly 13.75 an hour. I've kept a blog before, but I ended up posting one-liners because I realized no one gave a crap about my day and then I ended up writing stories because it was more interesting than writing about my day. Nothing's really changed, except I cannot write stories anymore so I guess I'm back to writing about my life. I'm no longer a pre-adolescent teen with too much time on his hands, so maybe it will be a bit more interesting.
To start off, let's talk about World of Warcraft. I play it. It's consumed my life. I've roughly gained 55 levels in almost a month and have even beaten a guildie who has been playing for god knows how much longer than me. I feel vaguely accomplished, but at the same time know that I get about 4 or 5 hours of sleep depending on how tired I am/how much I want to level up.
I started playing because my brother started playing a while ago and he told me how great it was and, since I really missed playing MMO's, I decided to try it out. I am deciding whether or not to continue my subscription for August, though honestly I have nothing else to do down here in San Diego.
My brother's guild
On another note, Andrew IM'd me at around 2AM in the morning. It was a link to a phishing website (a disguised website designed to "phish" for your password/other info). I realized it was when it prompted me for a password, but I wonder if it spammed his entire buddy list and if so, how many fell for it. It reminded me of my spyware/malware battling days, when it'd grip my entire computer and pretty much proceed to own the crap out of it. Suffice to say I've gotten over those problems (thankfully), and I've come out a little more wiser about the power of google to solve ANYTHING given the right key words.
So for the most part of this morning, I have been trying to organize my classes for next year. And pretty much my entire shool year. Believe it or not, you can't go blindly through college without preparing classes at least a year in advance. It's a lot of work but it's worth it to look up what classes you may or may not take a given quarter (because some are only offered certain quarters) and how much of a workload that may be. My first quarter went something like this:
=====
Fall '08
=====
Dimensions of Culture 1 (Humanities/Writing combination class specific to my college)
Differential Equations (MATH20D)
Engineering Computation (ECE15)
Chemistry 1 (CHEM6A)
Chamber Singers (MUS95K)
Dimensions of Culture (just called DOC because no one runs around screaming Dimensions of Culture), a three-course mandatory sequence, can be summed up quite succintly as "how WHITE MALES suck." White and males being the key word here. It's basically a course designed to open up topics about discrimination. I certainly was pretty clueless about it (probably much to my girlfriend's dissappointment) about discrimination, stereotypes, and how America perpetuates all of it. It's very eye-opening, and I thought the material was very thought-provoking. Too bad all the required reading and crap takes up so much time and effort that no one bother to read it, and that discussion consists of students who repeat what the TA said, intermixed with a story about how their dog died, the title of some reading we were supposed to read, and the words "culture," "discrimination," and "I don't know what the hell I'm talking about." It's very saddening. I expected so much more, intellectually, from people at UC San Diego. But I suppose we're all UC Berkeley and Los Angeles rejects, so there's not much to say there.
Sometimes I wish I did end up at Berkeley. Apparently I can transfer in through a "Lower-Division transfer" if I tried, but the acceptance rate for that is pretty low. Like, '09-high-school-kids-trying-to-get-into-a-UC low. I would try, really. Is it worth it? The only thing I'd have to give up is my girlfriend. All the promises we've made. The late-night food runs. The sleeping over at Price Center (restaurant center of UCSD) on semi-comfortable sofas together. Falling asleep together from staying up the night before. I would turn into that student my parents always wanted. That kind of high-acheiving (maybe, my major at UCB is pretty competitive), study-orientated kid who doesn't get a girlfriend until he's graduated and is completely closed off to other people. I could be that kid, the one that doesn't talk to anyone and always studies. Who's so self-absorbed that he'd abandon even his girlfriend. All to fulfill some need to be recognized as an academically superior student. To use the utmost of his intellect and capabilities.
I could be that person. I could live like that. At the least, I'd have Melissa right? But probably not really. She seems pretty content with her own group of friends. I haven't made many friends in San Diego (though I have made one enemy). I wish I don't have as much self-control as I do, or otherwise I would be one roommate down and infinitely more happy. But that is another issue. Cynthia-M has told me that he does not make fun of me anymore, or my girlfriend, so for that I am happy. I was under the impression he continues to do so. Any less control and I would punch his face in and throw him out the window. I was seriously considering it at one point, but it is moot. He is gone; out of my life. Hopefully, forever. Living with my family, especially my brother, has made me learn a lot of self-control. Maybe more than some people deserve.
In any case, I do not think I will pursue a transfer. I imagine Melissa must be disappointed, as she usually is, not in my reluctancy to join her at UCB, but rather, in my apathy towards higher acheivement. It may seem silly to say that I would give up self-fulfillment (and being closer to my hometown) just for a girl who've I've only known, really, for little more than half a year. I have no reasonable justification. Part-obligation, part-UCB-is-so-competitive, part-something-tells-me-I-don't-want-to.
Coming back to my first quarter at UCSD, when I wasn't being consumed by the blackhole that was DOC, I was busy pulling my hair out trying to figure out C programming. I look back on that class with very fond, very proud, feelings. Though I hated that class, my first real foray into programming has been fun, if not frustrating. I do not regret not attending a single lecture or discussion after the first week except when and ONLY when I was taking my midterm (the final was take home). I ended up stopping midway between my final program (it consisted of a few) that was due that very night just to see Irvington High School's (IHS) chamber choir. I also went to surprise Gloria, who, just mintues after getting off the phone with her about not being able to go, I decided to myself I would and rushed there while it was beginning. I've always enjoyed choir (even IHS's, though I cannot say much for Ms. Olsen/Mrs. Bell; I always called her Ms. Olsen despite coming in when she was already married). She was nice, the keyword being WAS and certainly before I came in. I sat by myself, quietly reflecting and enjoying the concert. Gloria didn't realize I was there until I came up behind her after the concert, though. I was surprised, but I don't remember why. She immediately glomped me, of course, after having not seen me since turkey-break.
I came home later that night to finish the program but I couldn't make very much headway. It was partially correct, but it was giving me incorrect output. That program consisted of some 2000 lines fo code I think. Or maybe it was 800. In any case, it was so big that it started to lag my Pentium 4 computer. I ran through the program without ever testing any of the code, only hoping to God it would at least compile. The process for code writing consists of writing and compiling. Once you've written it, you have to "compile" it so that the machine can read it. But if your program was hastily written and untested, you would get compile errors. As in, it can't even begin to run. Like mine. I debugged it into a compilable state, thankfully, but it gave incorrect output. And I left it at that. I got a B in the class.
Which is pretty damn good in my opinion, given that I did not attend lecture/discussion. I don't think it would've helped much, though; the teacher was pretty bad I've heard (of course, I wouldn't know) and the TAs were pretty helpless in terms of getting your program done. My friend, Wing, failed the course despite going to every lecture and discussion. It is some small respite, but I know for sure there were a lot of people who did very well.
Since then I've taken another programming class (because I'm sadistic or something) and, no surprise, another B. I am taking another, even harder one next quarter. Why? Why am I doing this to myself? Because despite my disgust, frustration, and pure hate for programming, some part of me loves every bit of it; like bittersweetness. For no other reason than the simple fact that I can see the results (or more often, failures) of a maddening adherence to ambiguous syntax rules and key words. It's a little empowering. Plus I know that I will have to do this for my job, no doubt. As much as I hate to say it, and destroy whatever misconstrued ideals you had about electrical engineers, we all sit in a sweaty, fan-whirring room on our little computers tapping away at code. Forever. We are glorified computer science majors. Without programming experience, there is no way I'd ever make it out in the work force.
Academically, though, there's no reason for me to take the programming classes that I am (outside of ECE15) because other engineering classes can certainly replace them. In fact, one engineering course would replace two (because one was a pre-requisite for the class I am going to take), but that is moot, really. The programming experience is invaluable because it is something I can put down on my resume that actually helps.
All and all, my first quarter consisted of 18 units. For Melissa, my, like, one single friend from UCB who goes by semester units and not quarter units like most of the other UCs, it is equivalently 12 units. Usually students take 16 (10.67) units. Some even take 12 (8). Though it doesn't seem like a lot, I can tell you the workload was certainly overwhelming.
DOC took up some 10-14 hours a week, CHEM6A was at least 6 hours a week (or, if you did it my way, 12 hours the day before the test every two weeks for eight weeks), ECE15 varying depending on how far I was in the class (the last few projects were nigh-impossible, only 1/3 of the class submitted anything at all the last homework assignment), but no doubt also time consuming. MATH20D wasn't that difficult but you had to put out a couple hours a week to do homework. To top that off, I took chamber choir. Because I wanted to. Don't judge me.
Considering how "easy" classes are roughly 3-4 hours, "okay" classes 5-8, and anything 9+ was a blackhole, I had roughly two hard classes and two medium ones. Plus choir. Which exists on its own plane. Not that it means much for you overacheivers back in high school, but I'd say it'd be equivalent to taking 3 AP classes and two normal classes, and choir. I'll talk about the next quarter when I come back (Winter '09), because I'm hungry and I'm going to get off to work to go home and eat.
I'M NOT DONE. BRB.
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