On dreams and "hella."

I woke up today from a dream about Gloria. I don't remember much (I usually don't), but I tried to retain the part that was, for a lack of a better word, "important" to me. We were meeting up again for some reason and when I got there, she proceeded to give me a hug and did not let go. At all. Despite other people talking to us.

That's not unusual in itself, if you're wondering. It was reminiscent of when we used to go out. I enjoy having physical contact; it serves as a means of affection. Probably because my mom pampered me too much as a kid. I remember she'd tell me how I used to always go around asking her for hugs (or food). I'd also always hang around, just being comforted by my mom. Sometimes I still do. My mom thinks I act like a cat since I always try to come up to her for affection.

In any case, I don't think too much about dreams. I don't think this is a sign I should break up or am "cheating" on my girlfriend (cheating in a dream? I suppose you could...). I always thought dreams were, at most, representative. That is, the people or things or places that appear in my dreams represent something else entirely, if at all. The fact that I dreamt about Gloria doesn't say anything about my feelings towards her. But I haven't seen her in a while, though, and I wonder how she's doing. She doesn't call me like she used to, and have even dropped e-mailing me. I suppose I shouldn't expect her to, as I did feel she called/relied on me a great deal while I was in college, but I'd be lying if I didn't enjoy talking to her from time to time.

I don't really want to take the initiative to talk to her again because if it means that she's moved on, even a little bit, then I would only complicate matters. It's been over a year since we went out (for the second time). That was my first relationship that lasted longer than a few weeks. I was surprised at how quickly time passed, but I guess it's all moot now. I've thought that she had moved on several times now, but sometimes I get the feeling she hasn't. A lot of people have told me she's being melodramatic and/or over-reacting, but after some time I do not think it is the case.

I think about what drives my life, what makes me want to live through each day. Why I get up in the morning at all. Why I don't just lay there the whole day (probably because of WoW). In the end, I could only really think of Bev (my girlfriend, Beverly). That fact that she depends on me (emotionally) empowers me to keep on living. I tell myself, that's what I'm living for: to make her happy. To support her. I guess that's why I've always wanted, or rather, needed, a girlfriend. And not just someone to keep me company. I wasn't interested in fleeting relationships, though it's not like my early attempts succeeded very much anyway. For most of high school experience, I was pretty alone and depressed. I found little solace in friends, or "acquaintances" in school. I reserve the use of "friend" for those I know better, and "good friends" very sparingly. I spent a lot of time writing, then. And kept myself busy with other, online endeavours. It was not really until I met my friend Jennifer did I begin to actually trust in people again. At the same time, I was also rekindling my relationship with Jimmy, who I've dropped out of contact with ever since junior high (middle school). I suppose it was just life feeling sorry for me once again. I did not get into AP English Composition like I had planned, or even regular English. I was put into a combination English/History class under the CCA (in general, an arts orientated program). It was below even normal English/History in terms of class-worth (though not necessarily easier). A lot of my old elementary/junior high friends had ended up in that class, and I wonder if they were surprised to see me there. Not because I hadn't seen them in a while, but just because I was taking classes like AP Calculus BC at the time.

Anyway, by late junior year, I was happy to say that Jimmy and I were good friends again (like we used to be back in elementary) and I had gotten along well with Jennifer. I also met Andrew but we didn't really talk much (or now, really, but I still have trust in him). Sometimes it's not necessary to be able to talk for hours on end in order to become good friends. It's just something that clicks for me. In addition, I had finally been persuaded by Jimmy to join badminton, and I thank him dearly for making me suffer through two weeks of physical conditioning that was so bad I couldn't really bend my knees or pick stuff I dropped on the ground. I also met and got along with Nancy, though I don't remember how or why. We got along so naturally that my brain doesn't even make it a point for me to remember. We've since fallen out of that, though I am not surprised. I kind of wished things would've been different, or at least, I wished we still had that. But I digress, we're still friends and badminton nerds, and she's always up to go play. It could be worse I suppose.

In any case, I was kind of pulled back to life. I never actually considered suicide, or cutting or some other form of coping that was harmful to my health. I think I am too stubborn to just give up like that. I tried to find happiness in other things, and I'm glad I held out. But for some, I think, there is none of that. For Gloria, the months following our break up were really hard. She was devastated, I imagine, but also because she had very little who she could confide in. When we met, I felt that she truly was alone. I didn't know it at the time, of course. We were just playing mixed (one boy and one girl, in badminton) out of a collective interests. I had no partner, and she wanted to play mixed. Though we had a very large, almost disparaging skill gap, I stuck around. There wasn't any other choice for me, because it was either play with her or play with some equally low levelled boy. I chose the former.

After a while, we became very close. She confided in me largely in part because I was her partner. I don't know if she realized that non-varsity pairs usually break up and reform all the time, but I guess I hadn't planned to leave her so it doesn't matter. To think that someone would confide in you just because you were their semi-permanent badminton partner... I, personally, do not trust so easily. But then again, perhaps she had no one left. Maybe Marvin. I wonder how they are doing? Marvin and Gloria were close to each other, too. But for some reason I felt it was a brother-sister relationship, and not a friend one. He was there, but he was also kind of hard on her. Gloria likes to throw around "brother" and "sister," primarily because that term is used very loosely in China. When you are a single child, living in a country full of other single children, those familial terms become downplayed. She's called me brother countless times, but I know it's not because she thinks of me like that. I would sooner say Marvin is her brother, but I have no idea where their relationship is right now.

But after we broke up, she had very few people to confide in. She probably told anyone who listened (much to the annoyances of her friends no doubt). She would call me all the time, even after I had met Bev, and I rarely turned her away. Because I knew there were few others who would give her the time. Who just wouldn't write her off as annoying and melodramatic. Because when I think about it, without Bev, I would really be back to where I was. Maybe not completely, but slowly and surely I would return there. Gloria had lost me, and her return was swift. For some, life just isn't worth living. To feel motivated is perhaps the most valuable thing in the world. To feel motivated to live life, to find happiness. And all that that encompasses.

I will most likely see her when I get back, though I don't know what her class schedule would be like. Hopefully I can still catch her during lunch, like I used to.

In any case, I feel as though she has made new friends, whether or not she likes to think so. I can see that she does not call me as often, or need me to be there to listen to her problems. In a way, I do miss that, for I dislike losing friends. It's a necessary part of life, but not always an enjoyable one. I do my best to move on as quickly as possible. Melissa had once noted that I did not miss any of my old friends, and it is true. But I haven't lost her, yet. She certainly won't let me, heh.

I can only hope that she finds more happiness than I was able to provide for her.

In other news, I saw the most hilarious t-shirt on facebook. It was one of those I <3 SF t-shirts but it had the words "hella" in the heart. I find it funny because people down in SoCal (Southern California) never say it and they think it's weird when people from North Cal say it. I almost got my girlfriend to say it once. Almost.

Still nothing to do at work....