Gearbox

Since coming down to Point Loma, I've been pretty much cooped up inside my studio apartment. I don't get out much other than going to work, or going out to eat once in a while, nor do I feel the need to. It occurred to me how much of my life is automated; almost mechanical. I feel as though I am just living day-to-day, having no goals or things to look forward to other than coming back home, and returning to school. Everything I do, each and every day, rarely has any impact on my life. When the sun comes up the next day, it feels like reset.

This would be a good time to point out how slow time is moving. Even when I came to UCSD, I have always felt the days went by so slowly. It is almost agonizing when I've realized I've only been down in Point Loma for a little over a month, and that I have a whole month left before I can come back home. And when I come back, would I really be as happy as I hoped?

The one thing I really looked forward to, aside from meeting my friends, was badminton. But everyday I am down here, I become more fat; more out of shape, and out of touch. I remember when, if I didn't play for even a single day, I would become a little rusty. It has been months - almost half a year - since I've played. I wonder, just how pathetic am I now? I could be jogging, or exercising. Keeping in shape. For a while, I had tried to do 5 sets of 10 push-ups and 15 crunches every night. The first few days, it hurt like crazy. After a while I got used to it, but I stopped after no more than two weeks. I guess I kind of thought, what's the point? Does it really help? I am still fat as ever (doing crunches does not burn fat off).

That aside, I rarely talk to anyone [in person] other than my partner at work, and I stay inside my studio most of the time. It is a sort of loneliness, although I talk regularly to my girlfriend on the phone (often way too much) and my friend Cynthia on AIM. Sometimes Melissa would come on and talk to me about her problems, or we would talk about life in general. I am far from alone, yes, but yet I still feel lonely.

My only source of comfort has been my stuffed Chococat pillow. My girlfriend bought it for me as I came back from turkey-break, and I've had it ever since. I cannot really sleep without holding onto it, in some form or another, and have become increasingly attached to it. It is almost a substitute for my girlfriend's presence; the physical component has always been important to me. But you are probably thinking too much into it, if you find it disturbing. It is merely a source of physical comfort, and as a pillow I suppose it's doing its job.

The only time I have been even remotely attached to an inanimate object was when I was young. I'd have vivid made-up adventures in the comfort of my bed at night, just fantasizing about journeys before becoming tired and eventually nodding off. But the one that I held onto the most was a Beanie Baby rat. It was grey with a white tail, and I had gotten it towards the end of 2nd grade. I was one of the first allowed to pick one, though I don't remember if it was because I was being good or by random draw, and had chosen the rat. It stayed with me everywhere I went and everything I did. Like a little child clinging to a stuffed teddy bear. But after some time, due to my carelessness, I had lost it. I don't know if I cried or not, but I was intensely depressed. Maybe this is where my adoration of cute things came from (though the Hello Kitty fetish started as a joke).

I don't cry much, not over girls or otherwise. I have been known to tear for things I find incredibly sad or depressing (usually in movies), probably because I am so emphatic about things like that. Here is an example. Watch it if you want, but do so before you read on if you intend to (Melissa you've already seen this, but you can watch it again if you don't remember).

The point of the commercial aside (that being life insurance), I watched it again when I was looking for the link and started to tear. The only kind of people that would make me cry are my parents, and apparently my girlfriend. Most of the time, my parents wouldn't even be arguing with me, and I'd still cry. Maybe I am too emphatic. I always think of how people would feel if I were them. But arguing with my girlfriend is different, if you can even call it that. I ended up crying a little when talking to her a few days ago. I have been trying to set up some personal space, but at the same time, I want her to join clubs and/or make friends at UCSD so she has some support there other than me. The kind of support I have from my friends, even though they are far away. She asked me quite plainly if I was just trying to get some more personal space. It took me a while to put in words what I wanted, but I started to cry a little at the same time. It is true that I want some personal space, because I am not always at my happiest or best and, despite what my girlfriend says, I do not want to be around her when it happens. But she would rather I be there than not at all, and, because she DOESN'T have any support in the way I do, I cannot bear to leave her alone. Sometimes this isn't a problem, sometimes it is a huge problem because I am not attentative enough. But I have been slowly trying to communicate this idea, when I have the ability to put it into words without sounding like an asshole.

In any case, my girlfriend told me today she suddenly felt like studying religion. Not being something that everyone blurts out in their lifetime, I asked her why, to which her response was because she found it interesting why people can and do have religious beliefs. From my conversation with Melissa on that topic a few days prior, I never thought it particularly surprising why people hold religious beliefs. Religion has a spiritual association with it, but on paper it has more to do with a set of beliefs about life rather than supreme beings. I've always felt everyone, "religious" or not, has some sort of beliefs about life and its purpose. Because to face the "reality" of life would be absolutely depressing. The reality of the situation is that there IS no purpose in life; that we are here because of what had transpired billions of years ago by the forces of nature. We talk a lot about how religion is ridiculous and flowery in comparison to science, but no one wants to admit that we are here for no other reason than "just because" as per their explanation. Religion attempts to fill that void and people are very eager to take it up. We all have our own ideas of why we're here, what we're living for... the spiritual side of religion isn't the only way to look at life. We have countless philosophies about life - existentialism - that all try to put order to it all. To make life pretty. To dress it up as a rewarding experience; something worth living for.

Science, in contrast, does no such thing. And people are very fragile individuals. They can't stand to constantly believe life is pointless. We have things in life that motivate us to live, whether it is our friends, our families, our lovers, our dreams and goals... we all make out something to live for. But in the face of constant rejection or failure, we lose that motivation. That ability to draw up illusions around us, to delude ourselves into thinking life is worth living, that keeps us alive. We no longer worry about physical dangers... we've built walls and defenses to fortify our weak bodies. Similarly, we draw up our own, self-fueled illusions to protect our sensitive perceptions of life.

And when that imaginary castle falls, we are exposed to the harsh reality. For some, that is too much, and they decide to end their lives. Often we hear that people no longer have the motivation to live. Without the mental journey to arrive at the same conclusion, we can never fully appreciate how elegant and simple those few words are, and how comprehensive they can be. And that pretty much concludes my thoughts on the subject.

Today is Nancy's birthday. I have not the heart to write a message on her facebook, because I have always felt it was remote and distant. But I want to wish her happy birthday, anyway. I find that I always end up silently celebrating my friends' birthdays, because I am not there and refuse to write something so simple as a facebook message.

Oh, and if you're wondering why I named the title of this post "Gearbox," it is because I wasn't planning on giving this post a title and decided to just pull it off a random word generator. There is no gearbox or reference to thereof in this post. Sorry.