One fine day

(title taken from RO BGM; maybe I will try to pick post names by looking at RO BGM song titles)

Today I am feeling better.

I have been having a pretty frustrated week, but today has been better. My work has been settling down to something consistent, that of which I am glad. It is still tedious, but I guess a lot of work is. I am currently generating automated test cases by using Java, but it amounts more to copy-pasting than actual code writing. I very rarely use anything more than three different test-functions.

There are some other things that have been bothering me, but either they have been taken care of or are, otherwise, outside of my control. For some reason or another, life has decided to throw crap at me all at once. Again. I have been sort of stressed out; more than I should be, I suppose, for just going to work and coming home to play RO.

But today, life has decided to give me a break for all the shit it has put me through the past two days. I was a little nervous about going to eat with one of my co-workers, but I invited my partner along and we ended up turning into a group of 7, so I had some breathing room. We were going to eat at the Nazarene university nearby, which is a private religious school (I think). They told me to bring about 5.05, though to be prepared in case I get charged the full amount for not passing as a student. When we got there though, it turns out it was a free lunch (why? I don't know) and so we all ended up getting free lunches. It was pretty good for a free meal, but anything probably would've been okay since it was free.

Interestingly enough, someone approached me and sat down, apparently mistaking me for someone named Kevin Dang. What happened was that the girl, Maria, was talking to one of my co-workers and she asked if I was Kevin Dang. Mishearing her, he thought she was declaring it and, not knowing my last name, proceeded to confirm. I thought he was joking when he came back to the table to ask me about it, but soon enough she sat down next to me and started asking me questions about why I wasn't going clubbing Friday. I politely made up an excuse, until eventually my co-worked stepped in and resolved the issue. It was all very awkward.

I have began missing my girlfriend a whole lot ever since she left Sunday. Usually I do not miss people, or try not to, but I have a feeling, deep down, I am just avoiding it. Not wanting to admit it. But it feels like I am just afraid of being alone; that I want her to be there because I don't want to be alone and not so much because I miss her. But she can cheer me up most of the time (sorry to say not all the time but I am just a black hole of emoness sometimes) and from time to time I always have a giddy, ridiculous grin on my face whenever I call her or talk to her. Given that we play RO when I get home now, there has been less phone-talk, for which I am glad (even though we spend the same amount of time together).

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It's currently 1:43AM. I'm continuing this post from earlier today. For some reason, the phrase "[burning] mouth of fire" is on my mind.

I took a 5 hour nap when I got home today and woke up to take a shower. I was overcome with a feeling of gratitude. After talking to Melissa earlier today, and taking into account other things, I felt very grateful about my life. Of my friends and family. My girlfriend. So many other people have it worse than I do. My problems are, at best, emotional. Frustrating, depressing, irritating, but never to the point that I'd want to end it all. I've contemplated suicide on and off, but never seriously. There are still too many things left in my life for me to live for, even if some are out of my reach. Literally.

I had another "argument" with my girlfriend today. If you're wondering what our arguments are like, Melissa, this is generally how they are. We were talking about something, and I brought up a bad counterpoint. She was indignant about it and, realizing my mistake, I kept quiet. I didn't know what to say, honestly; it was just a terribly bad point. She took this silence as my being inattentative, and told me to forget it. After a long pause, I tried to slowly talk to her again, hoping that either she would forget about it or I could tease her back to normal. It didn't really work, so I finally said sorry when I felt like it was appropriate. She didn't take it like I had hoped (rather, she didn't say anything at all) and eventually told me to forget it. I felt hurt, for whatever reason, and started to tear up a little. After a couple more exchanges, she started to notice that I sounded different, and the more and more I denied it, the more I kept tearing until eventually I started to cry. I told her that I didn't know what to say after I brought up my point, so I kept quiet. It was all resolved and stuff, and then we were back to normal (well I was, she went back to being cute of course).

I find that for just about every little argument or what we have, I end up crying. This is pretty sad. Or, taking the mushy romantic/cheesy route, maybe she's just so deeply tied to me that I cannot really bear any problems between us. If there is one, I usually address it as soon as I can. After she went to sleep (since I had a 5-hour nap), I talked to my friend Meagan about religion. She was telling me about how she signed up to be a Freshmen Advisor for her [christian] fellowship, and how she ended up writing a 10 page application (for 10 questions). It was pretty crazy, and I started talking to her about Jesus and why I never thought he was such a big deal. I understand the general idea: basically, he died so we could go to Heaven. After some discussion, I realized that it is because he is the son of God (or rather, apart of God himself) which makes him completely sinless. Humans, by nature, are sinners and we all sin each day and every day until the end of our days. Depressing, but true in most senses (you can see I have very little faith in humanity). Jesus bore the brunt of punishment. His "innocent/sinless" punishment basically cleared humanity of our past sins, allowing us to go to heaven again. I guess the question now is, why can we go to heaven even though we continue to sin? But I guess that is for another day. I also talked to Jenny a little afterwards about religion. It is always nice to talk to other people about it because it clears up my own thoughts on the issue.

Religion is kind of on/off. It's always there, in the small things of my day-to-day life, but never a big part of it. I've given up trying to participate in collective spiritual development; it has always felt so fake to me. In my experience, it is always best to talk to one or two people who know their material; the general masses cannot provide you any sort of answers. I think many people still have a lot of development to go on their own, but get blinded or sidetracked by the fellowship. It is great that they are doing things to help the community, but just as well, they need the other side to complement their lives. Otherwise, they are nothing more than sheep following a few pastors. People must understand what they're doing and why. I read a little about Satanism (just randomly, I don't remember why), they actually appoint people to talk to the media. Only specific people are allowed to. I can only imagine what kind of image Christianity could've retained if people were less ignorant about their beliefs, or rather, spoke less. Maybe it would've been best if Christianity had some sort of program that would sit you down and explain to you, very clearly, what it is all about, before it let you do any sort of service. Or if it tested you on the specifics. But there are so many denominations and so many different beliefs, not to mention you have to make your own, that I don't think it'd be possible. At best, one should fill out the questionaire like my friend Meagan did before joining a fellowship. I think, if you could not at least answer those questions for yourself, then should you really be doing work in the name of Christ?

Here are the questions she gave me. A few are predictable, but a good deal are very interesting.

1) What are your greatest strengths? Greatest weaknesses?

I think this is a question everyone should ask/find out about themselves. We do not suck at everything, nor are we good as well. Though this question is tough and may take several decades for you to figure out, I think it is a good question to at least get you thinking. How you answer this question reflects your humility and confidence in yourself, both of which are important traits to have for Christians, and everybody, really.

2) What would you bring to the FA (freshmen advising) ministry?

Okay, this is probably geared towards the fellowship itself. It probably has nothing to do with being a Christian. I guess you can think of it as more of a "why do you want to be Christian?" That is a better question. If you're curious, then that's it. If you're beyond curious and want to declare yourself Christian and join the community, you should be able to explain why. No point in lieing about it, either.

3) Explain the gospel to the best of your ability.

The gospel, as my friend Meagan puts it, is the "good news." That Jesus and died for us so that we can have "salvation and eternal life" (read: go to heaven). This is an important, or perhaps THE most important, component of Christianity. This is what you hear about all the time. Given that, being able to sift through what you hear everyday and your own beliefs is much more difficult, and a good indication of how much you've developed. The more you put here, the more you have a better grasp of the gospel. Not to say more is good, but you get the idea (I do not think you need some 5 pages to explain the gospel).

4) Please type out the testimony of how Jesus Christ became your Savior beginning from an unbeliever, to the point of conversion and finally to where you are now as a Christian. Type out your testimony - not only up to the point of conversion, but up to who you are now.

This is a very good question to ask people, especially would-be Christians. You may not have converted yet; perhaps you just wanted to learn more. This would be a good way to gauge just where to place you so that you maximize your development and understanding. Your testimony is basically a recount of how religion has affected/altered your life, and how it continues to do so. The bit about "Jesus being your Savior" is not, to me, such an important part of Christianity. Yes, it's important to know and understand, but there is so much more about Christianity that we never hear about; all we DO hear about is how Jesus saved us. Seriously, I get it. I think that part should be omitted, or at least integrated with a broader, how-has-GOD-affected-you question.

5) Every FA must be fully committed to Harvest Fellowship and Church. What does Scripture say about the importance of commitment ot the local church? What are some characteristics of a biblically solid church? Please reference scripture to answer these questions.

Very very good question. I cannot say much here. I haven't read much Scipture personally, though I will get around to it one day. ONE DAY. If you've read the bible or some of it, like you should before you attempt to do work in the name of Christ, providing some Scripture is a good way to test your command of the bible. If not, then no problem; just talk about how you feel about what a "good" church is supposed to do. Obviously, raping and pillaging would be a bad answer. It details your moral/work ethics and what beliefs/misconceptions you may have had about church.

6) Our theme verse as FAs for this upcoming school year is 1 John 4: 7-12. Read through this passage and explain how it applies to the FA ministry/serving the church in general.

It's getting kind of late. I don't know this passage; I'm not going to look it up. Do it yourself if you want, and tell me about it.

7) If we are truly saved by grace, why do we still perform "works"/serve in the church?

Even I don't know the answer to this one. Maybe I will bug Meagan about it. What it is asking is that, since we are saved by believing in God (and not just God, but the moral law he has written), why do we keep performing services. This is to address the idea that you can save yourself by doing good deeds, which is not true. You cannot rack up "good points" by doing services, unlike our attempts to be green by buying/selling "green points" among companies. Personally, I think by doing services, you learn some of the finer traits of humanity: compassion, patience, humility, cooperation, etc etc. That is to say, we should all do service. I like the idea of compulsory national service. Not just military work, but public service work. Kind of like jury duty. No one should be above doing work unless you have some serious problems that prevent you from doing so.

8) How does Christ view and serve the church? How does this affect your outlook on serving as an FA next year?

No idea. Need moar bible. At the least, it gets your opinion out about how you think Jesus sees the church. I don't know.

9) How does God see those who are not saved? How do you see non-Christians?

Great question. "They need to be burned. They need to be stabbed and burnd." - is a good indication that you're not ready to work for the church just yet. We need to clear up these ideas about God wanting to burn every non-believer in the world. You know those people out in the streets, stirring up the public with their talk about burning? Yeah... no.

10) What is your understanding of God's sovereignty? How does it affect your work for Him?

Not sure what it's asking about. If you do, good for you. *points*

11) Every leader needs a vision. A leader without direction has nowhere to lead. Briefly describe your vsion for the freshmen class. Assuming you are an advisor, where do you want your ministry to head? What do you want to see at the end of one year?

And a final question directed specifically for FA. Not going to talk about it.


All in all, a questionaire like this for would-be Christians is a good defense against ignorance. Christianity has such a bad image associated with it. Religion doesn't teach us to hate. No religion does. It teaches us to be good people, but we get lost along the way somewhere. Either we fall in step behind the guy in front of us, or we just lose it entirely. No one can really tell us how to interpret the bible, or Christianity in general, but we all need guidance.

Sorry for the long religion talk Melissa. You probably skipped over it though.

As a final note before I go to sleep, I find it ironic that I got free lunch at Nazarene today. God is trying to buy me off with free lunches.

It's probably working.