Antique Cowboy

RO BGM.

So I am now officially home, as some of you may have noticed (and by some, I mean all the people who went to UBC today). I'm starting to realize a lot more people go play badminton than before; they just don't invite me.

I spent an 8 hour car ride back to Fremont on Saturday. It's normal for me, though I'd have to say the shortest time I spent traveling between Fremont and La Jolla was 7 hours. That's when I was in a car with four other girls going back down. I agree that anything below the normal with 4 other girls seems ridiculous, especially for a guy, but I assure you it was more than made up for by spending 12 hours going North in the first place.

That reminds me of Winter Break. My friend Anna was at my house (for some reason I do not remember, probably because she was bored and wanted to go with me in delivering gifts). I ended up not telling Jennifer, again (I'm sorry!), that I had invited someone to go with us until the last minute. She's gone off on me about it before, but it completely slipped my mind this time. That whole day was all very random; I don't think Anna had plans to come home with me after I dropped off her gift until very late. So Jenn and her mom took me and Anna around, delivering gifts. I am contemplating making some gifts this year instead of buying them all and burning a giant hole in my wallet. But I've never been good with gifts or selecting one, especially for auspicious moments (holidays or otherwise), so we will see.

Iris was last on our list. When we got to her house, we thought about getting dinner. I don't know where that idea came from, but it did and we invited Iris along. Oh the spontaneity. She took some 10 mins to finally get out the door, but nonetheless it was all very jovial. It wasn't until we actually sat down at Elephant Bar did I realize (no, that's not true; I think Jenn or her mom pointed it out) that I was the only guy in our group.

Of 4 girls (technically 3 and a woman).

So we had our dinner, and our fun. We were all in a good mood. On the way home though, we had to pick up Jenn's little sister, Vivian, from wherever she was. But the thing was that Jenn's car was a 5-seater, and Jenn and her mom had to be in the front. So after some deliberation (and by deliberation, I mean Cold Stone because we're fatties), we had to stick me with three other girls in the back.

Just because.

Some guys would die for nights like this. I couldn't resist joking with Vivian about how I always wanted to get to know her better [and that this was the perfect time], but for the most part I didn't see it as much more than if I had to try to jam in with three other guys. Well, maybe that's not true. Gay levels would rise, and we can't have too much of that. Either way, it wasn't so much awkward that I was a guy and they were girls but more so that I was freaking fat (especially compared to Anna) and that in no way was it going to be comfortable. Anna suggested she ride in the trunk, but of course no one would want her to (because we all love her so much). I thought it was kind of funny how she almost immediately insisted that she would NOT ride on anyone's lap. I'm not sure if she was referring to me specifically, though she HAD sat on my lap before (Jenny refused to do so at that time, but I don't blame her). That was many months, if not a year, ago.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be very much different if I was a girl. I'm very comfortable with physical contact, though unfortunately most of my friends are girls and there is that social taboo about guys and girls touching. But when there isn't that, it's much less awkward on my part. I'd be lieing if I told you I didn't KNOW about them. But if my friends like to think it's not a problem, then I don't make it out to be. That's why I could sit in the back with three other girls and only worry that we were going to be very cramped because I'm a fatty. Or fall asleep in a car with four other college girls and not think about how awkward it is to be there in the first place.

In any case, the A/C was blazing (lol, irony) the entire time I was in the car. I was cold for much of the trip (and if you remember Saturday, it was HOT). I passed by two wildfires on the way up, one in LA and one near Gilroy. I could actually see the one near Gilroy; it slowly built up smoke as we drove on. I wasn't sure whether or not the clouds were smoke because they seemed very similar to the one I saw in LA. After a few minutes, we drove right into the heart of it. I was both surprised and a little worried, because I didn't think we'd actually drive so close to it. At the same time, the sky above us darkened with a red hue, and you could look directly at the sun under the smoke. It was all very reminiscent of some games I've played before. Involving death. But on the way by, I could very clearly see smoke and fire on the hill. We passed by entire hillsides scorched black. It was a very disturbing and surreal experience, to see a wildfire so up close.

Later on, we passed cowtown. No, not Davis, but that one area where there are a bunch of cows. I felt really sorry for the cows. I was freezing inside the car, but those cows have been outside all day (and will continue to do so) in the hot sun. I wondered if anyone could imagine how those cows must feel. To be cooking under that sun without any form of relief. I briefly entertained about being vegan, but decided it wasn't something I could really do. But I do feel sorry for those cows, and countless other animals we raise and slaughter. I remember going into the Lion's supermarket when I was young and, whenever we passed by the lobster or fish section, I would just stand there and stare at them. I felt so sorry for them! I somehow wished that I could just take them all home and raise them, comfortably, or even just free them. But there is no use for those kind of feelings. I feel just the same when I see hobos out on the street. One day, I will come up to one and invite him/her to lunch with me. I'll get to know them, and will realize that there is a sad story behind that sign they hold. But I am very reluctant to do something like that. I realize that, sometimes, I'm very reluctant to do a lot of things.

For example, Jenny invited me to church with her this morning. I've always told her that, one: my parents aren't Christian, and two: I had no ride to go by myself. Today she told me that she would be willing to give me a ride. I would've liked to go, but at the same time I was feeling very reluctant. I also had to eat lunch with my parents, so I told her finally that I had to go eat lunch and that I couldn't go. She suggested next week, to which I felt a little less reluctant about (because I could tell my parents beforehand) and decided to go through with it and accept. However nervous or reluctant to go I'll feel this coming Sunday is of no matter. I've made the decision so I will stick to it. I'm not sure where this reluctancy comes from, but it is unfortunate that I suffer from it.

One interesting thing to note, on the way back home, my mom told me that my dad and her went with my relatives to a gay ball in San Francisco. I was so taken aback, I had nothing to say. I think my dad HATES homosexuals, or at the least, transexuals. So I was very much surprised that he even went at all. My mom said they found it very interesting, but that they wouldn't do it on a regular basis.

No kididng.

I don't think I would really enjoy something like that. If someone asked me, I would probably be reluctant (there it is again!) to go.

When we came home, we went to my grandma's as per our usual custom. Me, my brother, and my cousin went out to get something to drink. When they asked me to go, I was also a little, just a little, reluctant. But I decided to just do it, and before I could turn back I was out the door. I was feeling a little chatty and hyper, similar to a state of drunk high. I don't know why I did, but I didn't mind. Even if I cracked lame and stupid jokes, I still felt good. We were on our way back when my brother crossed lanes. Someone honked him, to which I did not have any idea why. I took notice of what the car was. He passed us and I got a look at him, until we passed him again later down the road. I don't know what he was doing, but the point was that I recognized him enough that when he finally rolled down his windows two lanes away, I recognized him. He yelled "You guys suck at driving!", to which I replied by nonchalantly sticking my favorite finger at him. I have been feeling like I should be a little more aggressive lately, and at the time it felt like a great way to kickstart that concept, but by today I feel a little guilt at having done that. Even though he seemed like he could've been an asshole of a college student, something about his demeanor and what he yelled at us two lanes over suggsted otherwise. Either way, it's all done and done now; I'm a little paranoid he'd find us some day and beat the crap out of me.

But don't we all?

I recently found out that my (other) cousin played badminton. I was so freaking overjoyed when she agreed to play with me today. I was worried I had to wait until Tuesday to start. I had a great workout playing badminton, and am starting to feel better about myself. I still suck as usual, but at least I have not gotten much worse, especially for not having played for six months. My legs are like a river of pain at this moment (excuse the poor simile), and I am not looking forward to my hour long walk tomorrow, but nonetheless I feel GOOD that I've done some EXERCISE. Jenny reminded me that I said I'd jog every morning. I conveniently forgot today, and since I will be walking for an hour tomorrow, I will conveniently forget tomorrow too and maybe start on Tuesday.

I noticed Nancy got a little better with receiving short serves, and she now attacks much more when I do poor shots. But overall, my first game with her since forever ended with 21-17 in my favor. I'm going to write it off as her not trying hard enough, in addition to me being lucky. The next game was much worse for me, something like 11-21. I was dead tired, but I'm guessing so was she. I wonder how a good singles match between us will turn out. I admit now that I am not so sure of the outcome anymore. I didn't worry too much before, but things have changed a lot since then. And not in a good way.

Jenny kind of spontaneously came that day, after I told her literally two hours before we left that I was going to UBC. We went to get dinner later in the evening, and just hung out in her car for a bit because I was freaking cold. After a while, she started to panic to me about her car not starting. I had no idea what she was on about until I realized she couldn't turn the ignition. I tried it myself several times, not sure about the problem. I think if worse came to worst, I could've asked my dad. But after some time, I got it to work. To be honest, I thought I had broke the key in the ignition, because I applied a little more force than necessary, but I saw the lights on her car come up so I knew it was fine. Jenny had, at this time, pulled the car manual out of the glove compartment trying frantically to figure out what was wrong. I gave her a hug, for her troubles.

When I got home, I rummaged through my drawers. Mostly because I like to do so from time to time. Some people look at pictures, or read through their yearbook or whatever. I never personally bought a yearbook and have never wanted one. The only thing that I keep and hold onto are the things my friends have given me. That includes just about every single Hello Kitty (and related) product that I've gotten, and a slew of letters and cards and notes. I noticed today that one of my favorite (from Jenn, the snow-themed one) was not in the picture of my girlfriend, to which I was disappointed because it was such a cute and awesome cat.

On a side note, the Hello Kitty Online beta comes out next week. Expect not to see me (unless it is badminton).

Just kidding. I doubt it will hold my interest for very long.

I keep all of the things my friends give me. Or I've tried to. No matter how insignificant or small or easily losable. For example, I still have Anna's box of M&Ms (minus the M&Ms, those didn't last very long) that she made out of paper. She also drew a very cool design, but alas I messed up the box trying to get the M&Ms out. It is now a flat square with pointy sides, but I still have it nonetheless. I read through the old letters I have, or cards. I'm sorry but I threw away your card, Jonathan. The one you gave to me for Christmas. I decided not to eat the candy cane you put in it nearly a year ago. It was a bad decision.

I'm so thankful that I saved most of them, these items that my friends have given me. It reminds me of all the times we had together. I'm sorry to say it feels like most of us are drifting apart (or rather, that I'm drifting away from THEM), but the memories bring me back to when I was one of the happiest persons on the Earth. Minus the love life, but with all my good friends I didn't care too much. A lot of people tell me that the friends you make in high school will most likely stay with you the longest. I hope that'll be true for me.

It's late. Night.

開不了口 Can't Speak

So I went to sign in today and found that everything was in Chinese. It is not unusual. For some reason, my sign in pages for gmail and related sites have been slowly turning into Chinese. Maybe it is a subtle hint. Or maybe Google really is tracking everything I look up and using it to better accomdate me. I have got to stop searching for Jay Chou lyrics; I practically know the site, I'm just too lazy to type it in. I felt it was fitting to use a Jay Chou song as my title this time, but not for this reason (later).

I've been unhappy today, for some reason I don't know or can't identify. I was very happy earlier and should be happy now, but I'm not. Today was the last day of my internship, and me, my partner, and the only two friends I made at SPAWAR went out to eat at Olive Garden. Like, guy friends. I know, right? It's been a while since I've been really comfortable hanging out with guys. There's been a friend sex shift since the beginning of senior year, going from all guy friends with 1 girl friend, to about way more girl friends and very little guy friends. I don't know why or how it really happened. I like talking to girls way more than guys, probably because I like to listen more so than talk (I don't like talking to them just because they're girls!) But with the guys at SPAWAR, I could actually joke around a lot more. It was nice, I think I'm going to miss that. A lot.

Anyway, we've been joking around about going to Olive Garden since we decided to go one day but ended up at In-and-Out instead. Seeing as how it was the last day, we decided to make good on it. On the way there, we completly missed it and had to turn around and drive through a big plaza before finally getting there. As I was walking through the front door, I commented to everyone how In-and-Out, the same one we went to a few weeks ago, was right across the street. Lunch was fun, as it usually is with them, but I accidentally left my badge in the car. I initially thought I lost it, and told everyone how I KNEW I would, somehow on the last day, lose my badge (I had to go turn it in). Luckily I went out to check and it was in the car.

After saying bye to everyone at work and stuff, I made it home and just relaxed. I was feeling very good and I called my girlfriend like I usually do to talk. I tried to do some more drawing, but didn't do very well. I can draw anime-looking faces now, but I can't draw them after anyone. Disappointed, I decided to work on my short story. I didn't get very far, and was losing motivation, so I put on some music. I suddenly decided, after 13 seconds of playing, to try to rework one of the pieces I've written into an actual song. After some struggling, I was disappointed. Not only because it doesn't sound like a song and I have never written anything that has, but also because the range is unrealistic for any normal singer. Maybe a pop singer, but not a normal one. I gave up on that too. I went back to my story and decided to myself I'd stop writing backstory and actually begin it. I went to do quick outline of what I was going to do and ran into a problem. I needed to develop another character. I went at it and lo and behold:

Gave up.

There might be something wrong with me. Maybe I give up too easily. But I was pretty irritated/annoyed, I guess at myself, and told my girlfriend that I didn't want to talk anymore. Not because I didn't want to talk to her, but because I was annoyed and had a slight headache. But I know she takes it personally, like she always does. Sometimes I bear through it, telling myself that as long as I'm on the other side of this phone with her, she'll be happy. But I was not feeling good at all, and since our conversation had long since died out, I told her I'd call her later. It was painful to hang up almost, but I wasn't in any mood to talk to her.

I started to think about our relationship. Lately we haven't been talking or saying much on the phone, probably because I call her everyday for no other reason than to "be there." I thought about how it would be when I saw her again, but I quickly dismissed the idea. This long distance is really straining our relationship, I think. Even with her two visits, to which I wish I had the capability to go see HER for once. I think if I talked to her less on the phone, things would be better, but I don't have the heart to tell her that. I think she would much rather I call her everyday and say nothing than not at all. When we're back together, I think things will be alright. Should I be concerned that we don't really talk anymore on the phone? Not at all. Because she still cares, and that is all I need for now.

After I hung up, I took a piece of advil (I really like the sugar coating) and hoped my headache would go away. It didn't. I just surfed the web, trying vainly to find something to entertain me for the next day, but it kept getting worse so I decided to go to sleep. I napped for about 4 or 5 hours. I contemplated calling my girlfriend, because although I wanted to tell her I was awake and stuff, I realized didn't really have anything to say. And I was still unhappy and frustrated. But in the end I called her anyway. Another vain attempt at conversation passed by. Sometimes I wish I could talk. Why do I suck so incredibly bad at it? Why is it that sometimes, I just have nothing to say? I could talk my heart out to some people and never feel tired, but others I can barely get a full two sentences out. The people that matter.

I think things will be better once I see her. I hope they will be.

So I am still unhappy. Most likely I am frustrated at myself for being such a big failure. I guess it isn't as easy as I thought. It's funny, I tell Melissa sometimes that she has to accept mediocrity. But I am no different. I just complain less about it. I am just as unhappy as she is about it. But she tries hard to change herself; to improve. I'm even worse, I just sit here and mope over it. I could be doing things to improve myself. But I don't. Why don't I? I can't explain, and I have no answer.

*there was a pause here. a long one.*

I think perhaps it has to do with self-esteem. Like I said in another post about mental health. We keep trying to do things because we delude ourselves into thinking we can. Sometimes it even works. But I think you need results. Results to feed your self-esteem. When it's working, it's an effective cycle. Unlimited potential. You could do anything. But with no results, your self-esteem just gets eaten up. To put it simply, you run out of power. The motivation machine is no more. Perhaps that is where I am. I always have high expectations of myself, and for a while it was okay. But things are slowing down now. I am seeing little to no results from hours of work. My expectations remain high, but I have nothing to show for it. I guess by lowering my expectations, by accepting that I am a nobody, I can begin the cycle over.

Can I do that? After all I've said to Melissa, I still cling tightly to all my dreams and expectations. It might happen regardless, whether or not I consciously decide to. We will have to wait and see.

In other news, I have found out something very disheartening today. Which is why I picked the title of this post. I really don't know what to say. All this time? It's interesting how misunderstandings can arise. It makes me wonder just what else there is going on about me that I don't know about. I never thought I was particularly somebody to be talked about, or even remembered all that much. Of the few friends I've made in high school, I cling to them the most. That they hold me in such regards, I could not thank them enough. That they'd be willing to hang out and talk, even if I have to be the one to take the first step, is enough to make me happy. All my life, I was never the center of attention. I don't try to be. I've kind of moved through life in the background. I guess that's why I've never missed my friends all that much back in junior high. I just moved on; place to place, school to school, taking joys in what I had at the time. I never expected to make a lasting impact on anyone. But I've found that, in some way, I do. Whether or not I realize it. It makes me wonder about all those who have committed suicide out of loneliness. Do they ever realize that, perhaps, their life was worth something to someone? Although suicide in my contemplations isn't an uncommon train of thought, I have never thought it would, for a second, ever solve anything. I would just curl up on my bed, with chococat of course, and try to sleep. Most of the time it works (because I'm such a lazy ass), and I go through an emotional reset while I sleep.

My own perception of myself seems vastly different than what others think of me. For better AND worse. I am always surprised, in any case, to find out what people really think. I wish people could be straightforward all the time. I really like Jenny's bluntness, even if it's not what I want to hear. Melissa likes to join in on that from time to time as well.

In any case, I think my self-esteem can really go no lower. It is best to get that realistic picture of myself I keep telling Melissa about so that I can finally begin living.

Believe in myself

Another RO-song title. It's an alright song, I gave it 4/5.

I spent some time today looking over my old xanga. No point in trying to look it up; I closed the account for it. I had a few friends from there, and I added two out of three of them on Facebook. It's not the same, but I take some joy in keeping the old connections alive. Just reading their little status updates, commenting once in a while... it is both satisfying and nostalgic. Those days where we could talk so readily are gone now. All of us are busy with our own lives, spread out in each of our own time zones... One in the east coast, one in the Phillipines. I don't doubt being able to talk to them online, if ever given the opportunity again, but those are very, very far and few in between.

On another note, I've finally decided today that I cannot sing in the mainstream-pop kind of way. At all. After listening to myself a couple times, I decided I was silly for thinking that I could somehow and decided to just stick with choir. I don't have the solo voice for it either, so just a regular choir guy. I don't mind too much, I still sing to myself. I feel sorry for my girlfriend, haha... I sing to her sometimes, while on the phone. I always kind of hoped that, somehow someday, I would be able to sing like that~ Just another one of those dreams you shed while you go through life, I guess. Just have to settle with not being completely tone deaf. At least I am grateful for that.

It's nice to be lied to sometimes... being told that you have a nice voice. I guess I almost believed it.

I've also given up on playing classical guitar for the moment. I need a teacher, some sort of instructor. There's just only so much you can do by yourself sometimes. I've forgotten a multitude of songs over the years, keeping only the ones I like. I've been drawing, or attempting, in the style of manga. It is relatively easy but it takes a long time and a lot of the more complex faces are beyond me. I really wanted to take visual art some day; the art program at my school is a joke. I find it ironic that there is such a influx of liberal art majors, but never enough support for it. I only have to look back at my high school as a reminder.

One thing I have been doing lately is writing. Even if I spend the entire day writing one sentence (which was the case yesterday), I have been motivated to keep writing to complete this story. Not all of which is Iris, but she certainly helped me get started. I will finish one day and I will be proud of it.

Speaking of which, I have been talking to both Iris and Daniel a lot lately. It is nice to be talking to Iris again, but more so with Daniel. It's funny how we have been friends for so long and haven't talked much; I admit feeling guilty for being unable to talk to him on a more personal level. But with the advent of college, I feel as though we are opening up more to each other and it is not something unwelcomed. Hopefully things will go in the direction that they have started. I wonder sometimes if it would be awkward to meet/talk to my friends again after such an extended absence. I fear that when I come back, things would not be the same. Either I have changed or they have changed, and it wouldn't be the same at all. Or that it would just be awkward.

I talked to Jimmy just a few days ago, for the first time in many months, but we were still the good friends we've always been. I've known him since second grade, even if we didn't hang out all the time. Around junior high we drifted apart and we didn't really get back together until junior year. I hated American Studies, I hated everything about it, but he made it bearable. He even got me into badminton, which I shall forever thank him for. And overall, he is a great friend. I never think twice about helping him out, nor think "what's this guy done for me?" And I know he doesn't either. He might do other things than play badminton with me, but he is a good guy, haha. I feel sorry for him sometimes; I wish he could have some of the things I did. I do my best for him when I can, but it's no longer within my power, really. But I can always drop an IM and talk to him without ever feeling awkward.

I have no qualms about talking online. I have done it for years, and I partly blame (or rather, thank) Nancy for turning me into an AIM whore. I didn't sit at my computer waiting or talking to people all the time before. In fact I think I rarely used AIM before (most likely because I had no friends to talk to). But after that... I was just so used to sitting at my computer that I guess it turned into a habit. And after Nancy was Melissa. Just from my AIM logs on my computer (I also talk to people on my netbook), Melissa has 16mb of text. The next closest is Nancy, with 13mb (but I rarely talk to her anymore). Really, I think back then I talked to Nancy way more than I do with Melissa now. Those last 3 or mb accumulated over the last year and a half; the first 10 happened roughly within one. The next closest is Jenny, with 9mb. After that is 5mb. You get the idea. Ironically, I talk to myself more than about 40 other people on my list (yes I added myself to my buddy list).

I can't wait until I come back. Officially I will be back next Monday. I was so hyped up about coming back to play badminton, but it seems like everyone is busy with college. One of the things I looked forward to so much when I came back has been downplayed once again. Even Nancy said she might be busy with schoolwork to go play, to which is a surprise. I always counted on Nancy, through wind or rain or fire, to be up for badminton. Maybe not show up or show up really late, but never turn down an opportunity for it. I guess things are changing. I hope I can play some more badminton than I already have planned, but it seems like it won't be happening. I wish there was a "I want to play badminton" list or something, and I can just call people up and ask them to come play whenever I feel like it (read: every day). I know I'm obsessing, but badminton has really been the first sport I ever cared about. It's been the only sport where I could actually feel good about myself, maybe the only thing at all. That's why I love it. I love it more than anyone I've ever met. Nancy used to be like that... we got along so well before. We would go so much, her mom practically knew me. Back then, her parents were so suspicious of other guys. But her mom would drive me home sometimes, because I waited with her for her mom (sometimes to dark). Sometimes I would politely decline, because it is not like I wouldn't have done it otherwise. I gladly did it. Would I do it now? I probably would. But I felt guilty; I wasn't hanging around to ask for a ride. I was there because I didn't want to leave a friend by herself. So I'd end up walking back in the dark sometimes. But other than badminton, I really have nothing else. I can't sing. I can't play guitar. I can't really draw, and I can't really write that well. But badminton... well, I'm not that good at it either, but if I push myself, I can see an improvement somewhere. I was always proud of myself when Jennifer Prajudha commented on me. She motivated me the most. Strout too. I did my best to show them that I was trying. I think Strout knew, or at least acknowledged it. But no doubt he has forgotten all about me by now. I came back during one of my breaks and dropped in to say hi, but he seemed like he didn't know me. I guess I wasn't that special after all. But he knew me when I was there, so I guess that is enough.

Here is a link that I found very true. Don't diss it because it is on wikiHow. I found this one day when my friend Cynthia told me how she'd handle a boyfriend (if she ever got one). I scoffed and told her that he'd dump her in a heartbeat, and showed her this link. At least, I think I did. I might've got side-tracked and didn't, but whatever. It's here now. I find most of this very true and accurate, and I e-mailed it to my girlfriend.

edit: I meant most of the stuff NOT about being in control. I re-read it and I apologize, that is not what I mean. Yes some guys do want that, and some guys do feel like they should be superior, but I don't think it's as simple as that. It's not that I need to know what my girlfriend is doing every second, I would just like to know, for example, if I came out of class and expected her to call me or grab lunch or w/e and she was doing something, that she give me a text or told me she was busy so I didn't have to wait around. Also, guys LIKE to feel like they're DOING THINGS for their girlfriend to make her HAPPY. This can be interpreted as guys want to be in control but not necessarily. I hope this clears some things up; really, I meant the other stuff (like the gratitude and the jealousy part)!

Ironically, the reasons that I e-mailed it to her have been more or less resolved, and now some of the things that now bother me which haven't before cropped up are also on that list. Figures.

We exchanged a lot of texts this morning. We usually keep it down because we only have 200 per month, so obviously it was very important, right? Fish. She was fretting over her two fish. Not to say that they aren't important, I care about the fish a lot too. I've always wanted fish, ever since I was little. I won two gold fish from a carnival game during Tet Trung Thu (Vietnamese Autumn festival). I was very happy to have them, but they died overnight. Afterwards, I told my mom that I wanted some fish, so we bought some goldfish I think. But it's not like any of us knew how to take care of it; all but one died within the first few days and the last one struggled to live for a few weeks before calling it quits. I was very depressed. Why? I just was, I don't know why. I got some more fish my first year in college. I got two goldfish, and a betta fish. The two goldfish died in a very sickening way which I will not recount, because I was mortified and sick to my stomach that day. My betta lived on up until a day after I brought it home. I had just bought medicine for it after I realized it was sick, but it died the morning after. I was severly depressed. Memories of my previous fish came back. Why couldn't I take care of some god damn simple fish? I really cared for that betta fish; my girlfriend picked it out herself. I told myself I wouldn't let it die, and I went through a lot to make sure it lived. My girlfriend kept telling me I cared for them too much, and that I should just ease up. But I don't think she understands how I feel about it. I don't want them to die.

I'll probably be an overprotective parent. Way overprotective. Especially since I want my firstborn to be a daughter. Maybe I care too much sometimes. I remember once, when my grandma went with our family to Las Vegas, I fretted over her so much. She can barely walk now with her illnesses; I insisted on a wheelchair, almost to the point of defiance with my mom, because she had to walk kind of far to get to the elevator, then to the room, and if she wanted to go gamble, she had to do the same thing twice. My mom thought $50 was too much for a wheelchair, but I demanded that she get it. She didn't and went on to find our room, leaving my dad and me to walk with my grandma. My dad was on my mom's side at first, but after he saw how slow she was going, he told my mom to get her a wheelchair. I also had to make sure to go with her when she went gambling because her english is crap and she can't exactly walk to the bathroom or something. What if she needed help? A cellphone isn't going to be enough if she became unconscious or something. I ended up having to sit with her in the smoke-infested casino while she played. Yes, I know I'm 18 but I look far older than I actually am. After about an hour or so I couldn't stand it, so she decided to go home. I did some more things for the family; my uncles and stuff. I don't know why I cared so much, I hadn't seen them in months, I've never been particularly favorable of them, especially my grandma, but all of a sudden I was running around worrying about stuff. Some of the uncles thanked me later on, and my parents told me how good a son I was (but also telling my brother how NOT good a son he was). I didn't want to implicate him, I just wanted to make sure my grandma was alright and stuff.

I feel that way about my friends. I care too much. Maybe I should just relax. I keep worrying about Jenny and what'll happen when she goes off to college. Or Nancy (to a lesser extent). Being out at UCSD for a year, it is certainly much different than Fremont. Fremont seems so... innocent in comparison. Ah well, that is all for now.

HI STELLA

HI HI HI HI HI.

I know other people read this too, but just wanted to tell Stella that I KNOW YOU'RE STALKING ME.

It's okay, I am stalking your blog too. :3

I have been listening to Fairy Tale (Tong Hua) by Michael Wong/Guang Liang while sifting through my computer today. I was going through another spring-cleaning phase of my computer when I came across a folder called Marian's music. It was a collection of songs that my friend Marian from choir liked very much, and went through the trouble of creating a CD for me. Although I have not seen or talked to her in a long time, I wish we could've kept in touch. At the time things were different, but even now I wish I had done more for her when we were still together. But time does not flow backwards; what is done has passed and I am left to wonder just how I will ever meet her again. I know she dorms at SJSU now, but exactly where I do not know. I wish I could come and surprise her, but I would actually need to know where she is dorming in order to do that.

For now I guess I am left to reclaim what memories I have. I didn't even remember to do something for her birthday because I was so caught up in my finals and getting my internship paperwork completed. And then there was my idiotic pride in refusing to use facebook as a means of wishing happy birthday. In wanting to do more, I've done even less than I could've.

Okay so there was a break of about half an hour here that you probably didn't notice but... whatever. I have now purchased an album by Rajaton called Sanat which 90% probably don't like and I don't really like half of it but it has some really good songs that I DO like and will probably burn into a CD that hopefully MARIAN will like if I ever SEE her again and so I am now going to bug her on facebook until she tells me her address and then I will take Melissa on the day she is coming back (if she is at all!) to take me to go see her so all three of us can hang out LIKE WE SAID WE WOULD winter break.

*pant*

Speaking of being out of breath, I went jogging again today. I jogged for 15 mins, walked for 15 mins, then jogged back for 15 mins. Except the first and last 10 mins are OF HILLS and UTTERLY INSANE TO JOG. My legs are sore, almost as sore as my last year of badminton conditioning. Almost. I can still bend down to pick stuff up. There is something funny about us humans that I've just noticed today. Even when we are jogging up hill, panting like CRAZY for air because we're so out of freaking shape, we would still hold it in and pretend like we're having a great time, giving our best smiles to other joggers passing us. I saw this girl jogging the opposite direction (but on my side) up the hill I was failing at, and despite needing every millisecond of air we could get, we still managed to suck it up and smile, wasting god knows how many precious seconds of oxygen suckage. Smile at our failness to overcome natural obstacles like hills. I saw her again on the way back. Same thing. I wonder about our intellectual progress sometimes.

Melissa showed me a speech (by someone) about music being necessary to our survival. Poetic. We talked for a while and decided that music, although an essential component to our emotional well-being, is not a necessary component to our survival. Our immediate survival depends on physical needs; food, water, air, shelter. With these we can live in the immediate sense. But something important, at least to humans, is our emotional well-being. For a while, Melissa and I discussed that it isn't important to survival, but I realized that immediate survival and long-term survival are two different things. Because as humans, we have one important control: the decision to end our life willingly. Why do so many people contemplate suicide? Should they not be glad that they are still alive? Our emotional well-being is just as important. Our reason to live! Without it we are just vegetables. And I hate vegetables.

Our reasons to live... I have contemplated in an earlier post that we construct these illusions for ourselves. How well we do that is affected by our emotional well-being. It is a topic I am currently exploring in my story.

Yes, I am trying to write a short story. No, I am not going to tell you much about it. You will have to read it for yourself later. That is all for now. I apologize for the short post, though most of you are probably relieved.

At least there wasn't any religion talk, right Melissa? I bet you're happy.

One fine day

(title taken from RO BGM; maybe I will try to pick post names by looking at RO BGM song titles)

Today I am feeling better.

I have been having a pretty frustrated week, but today has been better. My work has been settling down to something consistent, that of which I am glad. It is still tedious, but I guess a lot of work is. I am currently generating automated test cases by using Java, but it amounts more to copy-pasting than actual code writing. I very rarely use anything more than three different test-functions.

There are some other things that have been bothering me, but either they have been taken care of or are, otherwise, outside of my control. For some reason or another, life has decided to throw crap at me all at once. Again. I have been sort of stressed out; more than I should be, I suppose, for just going to work and coming home to play RO.

But today, life has decided to give me a break for all the shit it has put me through the past two days. I was a little nervous about going to eat with one of my co-workers, but I invited my partner along and we ended up turning into a group of 7, so I had some breathing room. We were going to eat at the Nazarene university nearby, which is a private religious school (I think). They told me to bring about 5.05, though to be prepared in case I get charged the full amount for not passing as a student. When we got there though, it turns out it was a free lunch (why? I don't know) and so we all ended up getting free lunches. It was pretty good for a free meal, but anything probably would've been okay since it was free.

Interestingly enough, someone approached me and sat down, apparently mistaking me for someone named Kevin Dang. What happened was that the girl, Maria, was talking to one of my co-workers and she asked if I was Kevin Dang. Mishearing her, he thought she was declaring it and, not knowing my last name, proceeded to confirm. I thought he was joking when he came back to the table to ask me about it, but soon enough she sat down next to me and started asking me questions about why I wasn't going clubbing Friday. I politely made up an excuse, until eventually my co-worked stepped in and resolved the issue. It was all very awkward.

I have began missing my girlfriend a whole lot ever since she left Sunday. Usually I do not miss people, or try not to, but I have a feeling, deep down, I am just avoiding it. Not wanting to admit it. But it feels like I am just afraid of being alone; that I want her to be there because I don't want to be alone and not so much because I miss her. But she can cheer me up most of the time (sorry to say not all the time but I am just a black hole of emoness sometimes) and from time to time I always have a giddy, ridiculous grin on my face whenever I call her or talk to her. Given that we play RO when I get home now, there has been less phone-talk, for which I am glad (even though we spend the same amount of time together).

---

It's currently 1:43AM. I'm continuing this post from earlier today. For some reason, the phrase "[burning] mouth of fire" is on my mind.

I took a 5 hour nap when I got home today and woke up to take a shower. I was overcome with a feeling of gratitude. After talking to Melissa earlier today, and taking into account other things, I felt very grateful about my life. Of my friends and family. My girlfriend. So many other people have it worse than I do. My problems are, at best, emotional. Frustrating, depressing, irritating, but never to the point that I'd want to end it all. I've contemplated suicide on and off, but never seriously. There are still too many things left in my life for me to live for, even if some are out of my reach. Literally.

I had another "argument" with my girlfriend today. If you're wondering what our arguments are like, Melissa, this is generally how they are. We were talking about something, and I brought up a bad counterpoint. She was indignant about it and, realizing my mistake, I kept quiet. I didn't know what to say, honestly; it was just a terribly bad point. She took this silence as my being inattentative, and told me to forget it. After a long pause, I tried to slowly talk to her again, hoping that either she would forget about it or I could tease her back to normal. It didn't really work, so I finally said sorry when I felt like it was appropriate. She didn't take it like I had hoped (rather, she didn't say anything at all) and eventually told me to forget it. I felt hurt, for whatever reason, and started to tear up a little. After a couple more exchanges, she started to notice that I sounded different, and the more and more I denied it, the more I kept tearing until eventually I started to cry. I told her that I didn't know what to say after I brought up my point, so I kept quiet. It was all resolved and stuff, and then we were back to normal (well I was, she went back to being cute of course).

I find that for just about every little argument or what we have, I end up crying. This is pretty sad. Or, taking the mushy romantic/cheesy route, maybe she's just so deeply tied to me that I cannot really bear any problems between us. If there is one, I usually address it as soon as I can. After she went to sleep (since I had a 5-hour nap), I talked to my friend Meagan about religion. She was telling me about how she signed up to be a Freshmen Advisor for her [christian] fellowship, and how she ended up writing a 10 page application (for 10 questions). It was pretty crazy, and I started talking to her about Jesus and why I never thought he was such a big deal. I understand the general idea: basically, he died so we could go to Heaven. After some discussion, I realized that it is because he is the son of God (or rather, apart of God himself) which makes him completely sinless. Humans, by nature, are sinners and we all sin each day and every day until the end of our days. Depressing, but true in most senses (you can see I have very little faith in humanity). Jesus bore the brunt of punishment. His "innocent/sinless" punishment basically cleared humanity of our past sins, allowing us to go to heaven again. I guess the question now is, why can we go to heaven even though we continue to sin? But I guess that is for another day. I also talked to Jenny a little afterwards about religion. It is always nice to talk to other people about it because it clears up my own thoughts on the issue.

Religion is kind of on/off. It's always there, in the small things of my day-to-day life, but never a big part of it. I've given up trying to participate in collective spiritual development; it has always felt so fake to me. In my experience, it is always best to talk to one or two people who know their material; the general masses cannot provide you any sort of answers. I think many people still have a lot of development to go on their own, but get blinded or sidetracked by the fellowship. It is great that they are doing things to help the community, but just as well, they need the other side to complement their lives. Otherwise, they are nothing more than sheep following a few pastors. People must understand what they're doing and why. I read a little about Satanism (just randomly, I don't remember why), they actually appoint people to talk to the media. Only specific people are allowed to. I can only imagine what kind of image Christianity could've retained if people were less ignorant about their beliefs, or rather, spoke less. Maybe it would've been best if Christianity had some sort of program that would sit you down and explain to you, very clearly, what it is all about, before it let you do any sort of service. Or if it tested you on the specifics. But there are so many denominations and so many different beliefs, not to mention you have to make your own, that I don't think it'd be possible. At best, one should fill out the questionaire like my friend Meagan did before joining a fellowship. I think, if you could not at least answer those questions for yourself, then should you really be doing work in the name of Christ?

Here are the questions she gave me. A few are predictable, but a good deal are very interesting.

1) What are your greatest strengths? Greatest weaknesses?

I think this is a question everyone should ask/find out about themselves. We do not suck at everything, nor are we good as well. Though this question is tough and may take several decades for you to figure out, I think it is a good question to at least get you thinking. How you answer this question reflects your humility and confidence in yourself, both of which are important traits to have for Christians, and everybody, really.

2) What would you bring to the FA (freshmen advising) ministry?

Okay, this is probably geared towards the fellowship itself. It probably has nothing to do with being a Christian. I guess you can think of it as more of a "why do you want to be Christian?" That is a better question. If you're curious, then that's it. If you're beyond curious and want to declare yourself Christian and join the community, you should be able to explain why. No point in lieing about it, either.

3) Explain the gospel to the best of your ability.

The gospel, as my friend Meagan puts it, is the "good news." That Jesus and died for us so that we can have "salvation and eternal life" (read: go to heaven). This is an important, or perhaps THE most important, component of Christianity. This is what you hear about all the time. Given that, being able to sift through what you hear everyday and your own beliefs is much more difficult, and a good indication of how much you've developed. The more you put here, the more you have a better grasp of the gospel. Not to say more is good, but you get the idea (I do not think you need some 5 pages to explain the gospel).

4) Please type out the testimony of how Jesus Christ became your Savior beginning from an unbeliever, to the point of conversion and finally to where you are now as a Christian. Type out your testimony - not only up to the point of conversion, but up to who you are now.

This is a very good question to ask people, especially would-be Christians. You may not have converted yet; perhaps you just wanted to learn more. This would be a good way to gauge just where to place you so that you maximize your development and understanding. Your testimony is basically a recount of how religion has affected/altered your life, and how it continues to do so. The bit about "Jesus being your Savior" is not, to me, such an important part of Christianity. Yes, it's important to know and understand, but there is so much more about Christianity that we never hear about; all we DO hear about is how Jesus saved us. Seriously, I get it. I think that part should be omitted, or at least integrated with a broader, how-has-GOD-affected-you question.

5) Every FA must be fully committed to Harvest Fellowship and Church. What does Scripture say about the importance of commitment ot the local church? What are some characteristics of a biblically solid church? Please reference scripture to answer these questions.

Very very good question. I cannot say much here. I haven't read much Scipture personally, though I will get around to it one day. ONE DAY. If you've read the bible or some of it, like you should before you attempt to do work in the name of Christ, providing some Scripture is a good way to test your command of the bible. If not, then no problem; just talk about how you feel about what a "good" church is supposed to do. Obviously, raping and pillaging would be a bad answer. It details your moral/work ethics and what beliefs/misconceptions you may have had about church.

6) Our theme verse as FAs for this upcoming school year is 1 John 4: 7-12. Read through this passage and explain how it applies to the FA ministry/serving the church in general.

It's getting kind of late. I don't know this passage; I'm not going to look it up. Do it yourself if you want, and tell me about it.

7) If we are truly saved by grace, why do we still perform "works"/serve in the church?

Even I don't know the answer to this one. Maybe I will bug Meagan about it. What it is asking is that, since we are saved by believing in God (and not just God, but the moral law he has written), why do we keep performing services. This is to address the idea that you can save yourself by doing good deeds, which is not true. You cannot rack up "good points" by doing services, unlike our attempts to be green by buying/selling "green points" among companies. Personally, I think by doing services, you learn some of the finer traits of humanity: compassion, patience, humility, cooperation, etc etc. That is to say, we should all do service. I like the idea of compulsory national service. Not just military work, but public service work. Kind of like jury duty. No one should be above doing work unless you have some serious problems that prevent you from doing so.

8) How does Christ view and serve the church? How does this affect your outlook on serving as an FA next year?

No idea. Need moar bible. At the least, it gets your opinion out about how you think Jesus sees the church. I don't know.

9) How does God see those who are not saved? How do you see non-Christians?

Great question. "They need to be burned. They need to be stabbed and burnd." - is a good indication that you're not ready to work for the church just yet. We need to clear up these ideas about God wanting to burn every non-believer in the world. You know those people out in the streets, stirring up the public with their talk about burning? Yeah... no.

10) What is your understanding of God's sovereignty? How does it affect your work for Him?

Not sure what it's asking about. If you do, good for you. *points*

11) Every leader needs a vision. A leader without direction has nowhere to lead. Briefly describe your vsion for the freshmen class. Assuming you are an advisor, where do you want your ministry to head? What do you want to see at the end of one year?

And a final question directed specifically for FA. Not going to talk about it.


All in all, a questionaire like this for would-be Christians is a good defense against ignorance. Christianity has such a bad image associated with it. Religion doesn't teach us to hate. No religion does. It teaches us to be good people, but we get lost along the way somewhere. Either we fall in step behind the guy in front of us, or we just lose it entirely. No one can really tell us how to interpret the bible, or Christianity in general, but we all need guidance.

Sorry for the long religion talk Melissa. You probably skipped over it though.

As a final note before I go to sleep, I find it ironic that I got free lunch at Nazarene today. God is trying to buy me off with free lunches.

It's probably working.