Antique Cowboy

RO BGM.

So I am now officially home, as some of you may have noticed (and by some, I mean all the people who went to UBC today). I'm starting to realize a lot more people go play badminton than before; they just don't invite me.

I spent an 8 hour car ride back to Fremont on Saturday. It's normal for me, though I'd have to say the shortest time I spent traveling between Fremont and La Jolla was 7 hours. That's when I was in a car with four other girls going back down. I agree that anything below the normal with 4 other girls seems ridiculous, especially for a guy, but I assure you it was more than made up for by spending 12 hours going North in the first place.

That reminds me of Winter Break. My friend Anna was at my house (for some reason I do not remember, probably because she was bored and wanted to go with me in delivering gifts). I ended up not telling Jennifer, again (I'm sorry!), that I had invited someone to go with us until the last minute. She's gone off on me about it before, but it completely slipped my mind this time. That whole day was all very random; I don't think Anna had plans to come home with me after I dropped off her gift until very late. So Jenn and her mom took me and Anna around, delivering gifts. I am contemplating making some gifts this year instead of buying them all and burning a giant hole in my wallet. But I've never been good with gifts or selecting one, especially for auspicious moments (holidays or otherwise), so we will see.

Iris was last on our list. When we got to her house, we thought about getting dinner. I don't know where that idea came from, but it did and we invited Iris along. Oh the spontaneity. She took some 10 mins to finally get out the door, but nonetheless it was all very jovial. It wasn't until we actually sat down at Elephant Bar did I realize (no, that's not true; I think Jenn or her mom pointed it out) that I was the only guy in our group.

Of 4 girls (technically 3 and a woman).

So we had our dinner, and our fun. We were all in a good mood. On the way home though, we had to pick up Jenn's little sister, Vivian, from wherever she was. But the thing was that Jenn's car was a 5-seater, and Jenn and her mom had to be in the front. So after some deliberation (and by deliberation, I mean Cold Stone because we're fatties), we had to stick me with three other girls in the back.

Just because.

Some guys would die for nights like this. I couldn't resist joking with Vivian about how I always wanted to get to know her better [and that this was the perfect time], but for the most part I didn't see it as much more than if I had to try to jam in with three other guys. Well, maybe that's not true. Gay levels would rise, and we can't have too much of that. Either way, it wasn't so much awkward that I was a guy and they were girls but more so that I was freaking fat (especially compared to Anna) and that in no way was it going to be comfortable. Anna suggested she ride in the trunk, but of course no one would want her to (because we all love her so much). I thought it was kind of funny how she almost immediately insisted that she would NOT ride on anyone's lap. I'm not sure if she was referring to me specifically, though she HAD sat on my lap before (Jenny refused to do so at that time, but I don't blame her). That was many months, if not a year, ago.

Sometimes I wonder if my life would be very much different if I was a girl. I'm very comfortable with physical contact, though unfortunately most of my friends are girls and there is that social taboo about guys and girls touching. But when there isn't that, it's much less awkward on my part. I'd be lieing if I told you I didn't KNOW about them. But if my friends like to think it's not a problem, then I don't make it out to be. That's why I could sit in the back with three other girls and only worry that we were going to be very cramped because I'm a fatty. Or fall asleep in a car with four other college girls and not think about how awkward it is to be there in the first place.

In any case, the A/C was blazing (lol, irony) the entire time I was in the car. I was cold for much of the trip (and if you remember Saturday, it was HOT). I passed by two wildfires on the way up, one in LA and one near Gilroy. I could actually see the one near Gilroy; it slowly built up smoke as we drove on. I wasn't sure whether or not the clouds were smoke because they seemed very similar to the one I saw in LA. After a few minutes, we drove right into the heart of it. I was both surprised and a little worried, because I didn't think we'd actually drive so close to it. At the same time, the sky above us darkened with a red hue, and you could look directly at the sun under the smoke. It was all very reminiscent of some games I've played before. Involving death. But on the way by, I could very clearly see smoke and fire on the hill. We passed by entire hillsides scorched black. It was a very disturbing and surreal experience, to see a wildfire so up close.

Later on, we passed cowtown. No, not Davis, but that one area where there are a bunch of cows. I felt really sorry for the cows. I was freezing inside the car, but those cows have been outside all day (and will continue to do so) in the hot sun. I wondered if anyone could imagine how those cows must feel. To be cooking under that sun without any form of relief. I briefly entertained about being vegan, but decided it wasn't something I could really do. But I do feel sorry for those cows, and countless other animals we raise and slaughter. I remember going into the Lion's supermarket when I was young and, whenever we passed by the lobster or fish section, I would just stand there and stare at them. I felt so sorry for them! I somehow wished that I could just take them all home and raise them, comfortably, or even just free them. But there is no use for those kind of feelings. I feel just the same when I see hobos out on the street. One day, I will come up to one and invite him/her to lunch with me. I'll get to know them, and will realize that there is a sad story behind that sign they hold. But I am very reluctant to do something like that. I realize that, sometimes, I'm very reluctant to do a lot of things.

For example, Jenny invited me to church with her this morning. I've always told her that, one: my parents aren't Christian, and two: I had no ride to go by myself. Today she told me that she would be willing to give me a ride. I would've liked to go, but at the same time I was feeling very reluctant. I also had to eat lunch with my parents, so I told her finally that I had to go eat lunch and that I couldn't go. She suggested next week, to which I felt a little less reluctant about (because I could tell my parents beforehand) and decided to go through with it and accept. However nervous or reluctant to go I'll feel this coming Sunday is of no matter. I've made the decision so I will stick to it. I'm not sure where this reluctancy comes from, but it is unfortunate that I suffer from it.

One interesting thing to note, on the way back home, my mom told me that my dad and her went with my relatives to a gay ball in San Francisco. I was so taken aback, I had nothing to say. I think my dad HATES homosexuals, or at the least, transexuals. So I was very much surprised that he even went at all. My mom said they found it very interesting, but that they wouldn't do it on a regular basis.

No kididng.

I don't think I would really enjoy something like that. If someone asked me, I would probably be reluctant (there it is again!) to go.

When we came home, we went to my grandma's as per our usual custom. Me, my brother, and my cousin went out to get something to drink. When they asked me to go, I was also a little, just a little, reluctant. But I decided to just do it, and before I could turn back I was out the door. I was feeling a little chatty and hyper, similar to a state of drunk high. I don't know why I did, but I didn't mind. Even if I cracked lame and stupid jokes, I still felt good. We were on our way back when my brother crossed lanes. Someone honked him, to which I did not have any idea why. I took notice of what the car was. He passed us and I got a look at him, until we passed him again later down the road. I don't know what he was doing, but the point was that I recognized him enough that when he finally rolled down his windows two lanes away, I recognized him. He yelled "You guys suck at driving!", to which I replied by nonchalantly sticking my favorite finger at him. I have been feeling like I should be a little more aggressive lately, and at the time it felt like a great way to kickstart that concept, but by today I feel a little guilt at having done that. Even though he seemed like he could've been an asshole of a college student, something about his demeanor and what he yelled at us two lanes over suggsted otherwise. Either way, it's all done and done now; I'm a little paranoid he'd find us some day and beat the crap out of me.

But don't we all?

I recently found out that my (other) cousin played badminton. I was so freaking overjoyed when she agreed to play with me today. I was worried I had to wait until Tuesday to start. I had a great workout playing badminton, and am starting to feel better about myself. I still suck as usual, but at least I have not gotten much worse, especially for not having played for six months. My legs are like a river of pain at this moment (excuse the poor simile), and I am not looking forward to my hour long walk tomorrow, but nonetheless I feel GOOD that I've done some EXERCISE. Jenny reminded me that I said I'd jog every morning. I conveniently forgot today, and since I will be walking for an hour tomorrow, I will conveniently forget tomorrow too and maybe start on Tuesday.

I noticed Nancy got a little better with receiving short serves, and she now attacks much more when I do poor shots. But overall, my first game with her since forever ended with 21-17 in my favor. I'm going to write it off as her not trying hard enough, in addition to me being lucky. The next game was much worse for me, something like 11-21. I was dead tired, but I'm guessing so was she. I wonder how a good singles match between us will turn out. I admit now that I am not so sure of the outcome anymore. I didn't worry too much before, but things have changed a lot since then. And not in a good way.

Jenny kind of spontaneously came that day, after I told her literally two hours before we left that I was going to UBC. We went to get dinner later in the evening, and just hung out in her car for a bit because I was freaking cold. After a while, she started to panic to me about her car not starting. I had no idea what she was on about until I realized she couldn't turn the ignition. I tried it myself several times, not sure about the problem. I think if worse came to worst, I could've asked my dad. But after some time, I got it to work. To be honest, I thought I had broke the key in the ignition, because I applied a little more force than necessary, but I saw the lights on her car come up so I knew it was fine. Jenny had, at this time, pulled the car manual out of the glove compartment trying frantically to figure out what was wrong. I gave her a hug, for her troubles.

When I got home, I rummaged through my drawers. Mostly because I like to do so from time to time. Some people look at pictures, or read through their yearbook or whatever. I never personally bought a yearbook and have never wanted one. The only thing that I keep and hold onto are the things my friends have given me. That includes just about every single Hello Kitty (and related) product that I've gotten, and a slew of letters and cards and notes. I noticed today that one of my favorite (from Jenn, the snow-themed one) was not in the picture of my girlfriend, to which I was disappointed because it was such a cute and awesome cat.

On a side note, the Hello Kitty Online beta comes out next week. Expect not to see me (unless it is badminton).

Just kidding. I doubt it will hold my interest for very long.

I keep all of the things my friends give me. Or I've tried to. No matter how insignificant or small or easily losable. For example, I still have Anna's box of M&Ms (minus the M&Ms, those didn't last very long) that she made out of paper. She also drew a very cool design, but alas I messed up the box trying to get the M&Ms out. It is now a flat square with pointy sides, but I still have it nonetheless. I read through the old letters I have, or cards. I'm sorry but I threw away your card, Jonathan. The one you gave to me for Christmas. I decided not to eat the candy cane you put in it nearly a year ago. It was a bad decision.

I'm so thankful that I saved most of them, these items that my friends have given me. It reminds me of all the times we had together. I'm sorry to say it feels like most of us are drifting apart (or rather, that I'm drifting away from THEM), but the memories bring me back to when I was one of the happiest persons on the Earth. Minus the love life, but with all my good friends I didn't care too much. A lot of people tell me that the friends you make in high school will most likely stay with you the longest. I hope that'll be true for me.

It's late. Night.