Believe in myself

Another RO-song title. It's an alright song, I gave it 4/5.

I spent some time today looking over my old xanga. No point in trying to look it up; I closed the account for it. I had a few friends from there, and I added two out of three of them on Facebook. It's not the same, but I take some joy in keeping the old connections alive. Just reading their little status updates, commenting once in a while... it is both satisfying and nostalgic. Those days where we could talk so readily are gone now. All of us are busy with our own lives, spread out in each of our own time zones... One in the east coast, one in the Phillipines. I don't doubt being able to talk to them online, if ever given the opportunity again, but those are very, very far and few in between.

On another note, I've finally decided today that I cannot sing in the mainstream-pop kind of way. At all. After listening to myself a couple times, I decided I was silly for thinking that I could somehow and decided to just stick with choir. I don't have the solo voice for it either, so just a regular choir guy. I don't mind too much, I still sing to myself. I feel sorry for my girlfriend, haha... I sing to her sometimes, while on the phone. I always kind of hoped that, somehow someday, I would be able to sing like that~ Just another one of those dreams you shed while you go through life, I guess. Just have to settle with not being completely tone deaf. At least I am grateful for that.

It's nice to be lied to sometimes... being told that you have a nice voice. I guess I almost believed it.

I've also given up on playing classical guitar for the moment. I need a teacher, some sort of instructor. There's just only so much you can do by yourself sometimes. I've forgotten a multitude of songs over the years, keeping only the ones I like. I've been drawing, or attempting, in the style of manga. It is relatively easy but it takes a long time and a lot of the more complex faces are beyond me. I really wanted to take visual art some day; the art program at my school is a joke. I find it ironic that there is such a influx of liberal art majors, but never enough support for it. I only have to look back at my high school as a reminder.

One thing I have been doing lately is writing. Even if I spend the entire day writing one sentence (which was the case yesterday), I have been motivated to keep writing to complete this story. Not all of which is Iris, but she certainly helped me get started. I will finish one day and I will be proud of it.

Speaking of which, I have been talking to both Iris and Daniel a lot lately. It is nice to be talking to Iris again, but more so with Daniel. It's funny how we have been friends for so long and haven't talked much; I admit feeling guilty for being unable to talk to him on a more personal level. But with the advent of college, I feel as though we are opening up more to each other and it is not something unwelcomed. Hopefully things will go in the direction that they have started. I wonder sometimes if it would be awkward to meet/talk to my friends again after such an extended absence. I fear that when I come back, things would not be the same. Either I have changed or they have changed, and it wouldn't be the same at all. Or that it would just be awkward.

I talked to Jimmy just a few days ago, for the first time in many months, but we were still the good friends we've always been. I've known him since second grade, even if we didn't hang out all the time. Around junior high we drifted apart and we didn't really get back together until junior year. I hated American Studies, I hated everything about it, but he made it bearable. He even got me into badminton, which I shall forever thank him for. And overall, he is a great friend. I never think twice about helping him out, nor think "what's this guy done for me?" And I know he doesn't either. He might do other things than play badminton with me, but he is a good guy, haha. I feel sorry for him sometimes; I wish he could have some of the things I did. I do my best for him when I can, but it's no longer within my power, really. But I can always drop an IM and talk to him without ever feeling awkward.

I have no qualms about talking online. I have done it for years, and I partly blame (or rather, thank) Nancy for turning me into an AIM whore. I didn't sit at my computer waiting or talking to people all the time before. In fact I think I rarely used AIM before (most likely because I had no friends to talk to). But after that... I was just so used to sitting at my computer that I guess it turned into a habit. And after Nancy was Melissa. Just from my AIM logs on my computer (I also talk to people on my netbook), Melissa has 16mb of text. The next closest is Nancy, with 13mb (but I rarely talk to her anymore). Really, I think back then I talked to Nancy way more than I do with Melissa now. Those last 3 or mb accumulated over the last year and a half; the first 10 happened roughly within one. The next closest is Jenny, with 9mb. After that is 5mb. You get the idea. Ironically, I talk to myself more than about 40 other people on my list (yes I added myself to my buddy list).

I can't wait until I come back. Officially I will be back next Monday. I was so hyped up about coming back to play badminton, but it seems like everyone is busy with college. One of the things I looked forward to so much when I came back has been downplayed once again. Even Nancy said she might be busy with schoolwork to go play, to which is a surprise. I always counted on Nancy, through wind or rain or fire, to be up for badminton. Maybe not show up or show up really late, but never turn down an opportunity for it. I guess things are changing. I hope I can play some more badminton than I already have planned, but it seems like it won't be happening. I wish there was a "I want to play badminton" list or something, and I can just call people up and ask them to come play whenever I feel like it (read: every day). I know I'm obsessing, but badminton has really been the first sport I ever cared about. It's been the only sport where I could actually feel good about myself, maybe the only thing at all. That's why I love it. I love it more than anyone I've ever met. Nancy used to be like that... we got along so well before. We would go so much, her mom practically knew me. Back then, her parents were so suspicious of other guys. But her mom would drive me home sometimes, because I waited with her for her mom (sometimes to dark). Sometimes I would politely decline, because it is not like I wouldn't have done it otherwise. I gladly did it. Would I do it now? I probably would. But I felt guilty; I wasn't hanging around to ask for a ride. I was there because I didn't want to leave a friend by herself. So I'd end up walking back in the dark sometimes. But other than badminton, I really have nothing else. I can't sing. I can't play guitar. I can't really draw, and I can't really write that well. But badminton... well, I'm not that good at it either, but if I push myself, I can see an improvement somewhere. I was always proud of myself when Jennifer Prajudha commented on me. She motivated me the most. Strout too. I did my best to show them that I was trying. I think Strout knew, or at least acknowledged it. But no doubt he has forgotten all about me by now. I came back during one of my breaks and dropped in to say hi, but he seemed like he didn't know me. I guess I wasn't that special after all. But he knew me when I was there, so I guess that is enough.

Here is a link that I found very true. Don't diss it because it is on wikiHow. I found this one day when my friend Cynthia told me how she'd handle a boyfriend (if she ever got one). I scoffed and told her that he'd dump her in a heartbeat, and showed her this link. At least, I think I did. I might've got side-tracked and didn't, but whatever. It's here now. I find most of this very true and accurate, and I e-mailed it to my girlfriend.

edit: I meant most of the stuff NOT about being in control. I re-read it and I apologize, that is not what I mean. Yes some guys do want that, and some guys do feel like they should be superior, but I don't think it's as simple as that. It's not that I need to know what my girlfriend is doing every second, I would just like to know, for example, if I came out of class and expected her to call me or grab lunch or w/e and she was doing something, that she give me a text or told me she was busy so I didn't have to wait around. Also, guys LIKE to feel like they're DOING THINGS for their girlfriend to make her HAPPY. This can be interpreted as guys want to be in control but not necessarily. I hope this clears some things up; really, I meant the other stuff (like the gratitude and the jealousy part)!

Ironically, the reasons that I e-mailed it to her have been more or less resolved, and now some of the things that now bother me which haven't before cropped up are also on that list. Figures.

We exchanged a lot of texts this morning. We usually keep it down because we only have 200 per month, so obviously it was very important, right? Fish. She was fretting over her two fish. Not to say that they aren't important, I care about the fish a lot too. I've always wanted fish, ever since I was little. I won two gold fish from a carnival game during Tet Trung Thu (Vietnamese Autumn festival). I was very happy to have them, but they died overnight. Afterwards, I told my mom that I wanted some fish, so we bought some goldfish I think. But it's not like any of us knew how to take care of it; all but one died within the first few days and the last one struggled to live for a few weeks before calling it quits. I was very depressed. Why? I just was, I don't know why. I got some more fish my first year in college. I got two goldfish, and a betta fish. The two goldfish died in a very sickening way which I will not recount, because I was mortified and sick to my stomach that day. My betta lived on up until a day after I brought it home. I had just bought medicine for it after I realized it was sick, but it died the morning after. I was severly depressed. Memories of my previous fish came back. Why couldn't I take care of some god damn simple fish? I really cared for that betta fish; my girlfriend picked it out herself. I told myself I wouldn't let it die, and I went through a lot to make sure it lived. My girlfriend kept telling me I cared for them too much, and that I should just ease up. But I don't think she understands how I feel about it. I don't want them to die.

I'll probably be an overprotective parent. Way overprotective. Especially since I want my firstborn to be a daughter. Maybe I care too much sometimes. I remember once, when my grandma went with our family to Las Vegas, I fretted over her so much. She can barely walk now with her illnesses; I insisted on a wheelchair, almost to the point of defiance with my mom, because she had to walk kind of far to get to the elevator, then to the room, and if she wanted to go gamble, she had to do the same thing twice. My mom thought $50 was too much for a wheelchair, but I demanded that she get it. She didn't and went on to find our room, leaving my dad and me to walk with my grandma. My dad was on my mom's side at first, but after he saw how slow she was going, he told my mom to get her a wheelchair. I also had to make sure to go with her when she went gambling because her english is crap and she can't exactly walk to the bathroom or something. What if she needed help? A cellphone isn't going to be enough if she became unconscious or something. I ended up having to sit with her in the smoke-infested casino while she played. Yes, I know I'm 18 but I look far older than I actually am. After about an hour or so I couldn't stand it, so she decided to go home. I did some more things for the family; my uncles and stuff. I don't know why I cared so much, I hadn't seen them in months, I've never been particularly favorable of them, especially my grandma, but all of a sudden I was running around worrying about stuff. Some of the uncles thanked me later on, and my parents told me how good a son I was (but also telling my brother how NOT good a son he was). I didn't want to implicate him, I just wanted to make sure my grandma was alright and stuff.

I feel that way about my friends. I care too much. Maybe I should just relax. I keep worrying about Jenny and what'll happen when she goes off to college. Or Nancy (to a lesser extent). Being out at UCSD for a year, it is certainly much different than Fremont. Fremont seems so... innocent in comparison. Ah well, that is all for now.