開不了口 Can't Speak

So I went to sign in today and found that everything was in Chinese. It is not unusual. For some reason, my sign in pages for gmail and related sites have been slowly turning into Chinese. Maybe it is a subtle hint. Or maybe Google really is tracking everything I look up and using it to better accomdate me. I have got to stop searching for Jay Chou lyrics; I practically know the site, I'm just too lazy to type it in. I felt it was fitting to use a Jay Chou song as my title this time, but not for this reason (later).

I've been unhappy today, for some reason I don't know or can't identify. I was very happy earlier and should be happy now, but I'm not. Today was the last day of my internship, and me, my partner, and the only two friends I made at SPAWAR went out to eat at Olive Garden. Like, guy friends. I know, right? It's been a while since I've been really comfortable hanging out with guys. There's been a friend sex shift since the beginning of senior year, going from all guy friends with 1 girl friend, to about way more girl friends and very little guy friends. I don't know why or how it really happened. I like talking to girls way more than guys, probably because I like to listen more so than talk (I don't like talking to them just because they're girls!) But with the guys at SPAWAR, I could actually joke around a lot more. It was nice, I think I'm going to miss that. A lot.

Anyway, we've been joking around about going to Olive Garden since we decided to go one day but ended up at In-and-Out instead. Seeing as how it was the last day, we decided to make good on it. On the way there, we completly missed it and had to turn around and drive through a big plaza before finally getting there. As I was walking through the front door, I commented to everyone how In-and-Out, the same one we went to a few weeks ago, was right across the street. Lunch was fun, as it usually is with them, but I accidentally left my badge in the car. I initially thought I lost it, and told everyone how I KNEW I would, somehow on the last day, lose my badge (I had to go turn it in). Luckily I went out to check and it was in the car.

After saying bye to everyone at work and stuff, I made it home and just relaxed. I was feeling very good and I called my girlfriend like I usually do to talk. I tried to do some more drawing, but didn't do very well. I can draw anime-looking faces now, but I can't draw them after anyone. Disappointed, I decided to work on my short story. I didn't get very far, and was losing motivation, so I put on some music. I suddenly decided, after 13 seconds of playing, to try to rework one of the pieces I've written into an actual song. After some struggling, I was disappointed. Not only because it doesn't sound like a song and I have never written anything that has, but also because the range is unrealistic for any normal singer. Maybe a pop singer, but not a normal one. I gave up on that too. I went back to my story and decided to myself I'd stop writing backstory and actually begin it. I went to do quick outline of what I was going to do and ran into a problem. I needed to develop another character. I went at it and lo and behold:

Gave up.

There might be something wrong with me. Maybe I give up too easily. But I was pretty irritated/annoyed, I guess at myself, and told my girlfriend that I didn't want to talk anymore. Not because I didn't want to talk to her, but because I was annoyed and had a slight headache. But I know she takes it personally, like she always does. Sometimes I bear through it, telling myself that as long as I'm on the other side of this phone with her, she'll be happy. But I was not feeling good at all, and since our conversation had long since died out, I told her I'd call her later. It was painful to hang up almost, but I wasn't in any mood to talk to her.

I started to think about our relationship. Lately we haven't been talking or saying much on the phone, probably because I call her everyday for no other reason than to "be there." I thought about how it would be when I saw her again, but I quickly dismissed the idea. This long distance is really straining our relationship, I think. Even with her two visits, to which I wish I had the capability to go see HER for once. I think if I talked to her less on the phone, things would be better, but I don't have the heart to tell her that. I think she would much rather I call her everyday and say nothing than not at all. When we're back together, I think things will be alright. Should I be concerned that we don't really talk anymore on the phone? Not at all. Because she still cares, and that is all I need for now.

After I hung up, I took a piece of advil (I really like the sugar coating) and hoped my headache would go away. It didn't. I just surfed the web, trying vainly to find something to entertain me for the next day, but it kept getting worse so I decided to go to sleep. I napped for about 4 or 5 hours. I contemplated calling my girlfriend, because although I wanted to tell her I was awake and stuff, I realized didn't really have anything to say. And I was still unhappy and frustrated. But in the end I called her anyway. Another vain attempt at conversation passed by. Sometimes I wish I could talk. Why do I suck so incredibly bad at it? Why is it that sometimes, I just have nothing to say? I could talk my heart out to some people and never feel tired, but others I can barely get a full two sentences out. The people that matter.

I think things will be better once I see her. I hope they will be.

So I am still unhappy. Most likely I am frustrated at myself for being such a big failure. I guess it isn't as easy as I thought. It's funny, I tell Melissa sometimes that she has to accept mediocrity. But I am no different. I just complain less about it. I am just as unhappy as she is about it. But she tries hard to change herself; to improve. I'm even worse, I just sit here and mope over it. I could be doing things to improve myself. But I don't. Why don't I? I can't explain, and I have no answer.

*there was a pause here. a long one.*

I think perhaps it has to do with self-esteem. Like I said in another post about mental health. We keep trying to do things because we delude ourselves into thinking we can. Sometimes it even works. But I think you need results. Results to feed your self-esteem. When it's working, it's an effective cycle. Unlimited potential. You could do anything. But with no results, your self-esteem just gets eaten up. To put it simply, you run out of power. The motivation machine is no more. Perhaps that is where I am. I always have high expectations of myself, and for a while it was okay. But things are slowing down now. I am seeing little to no results from hours of work. My expectations remain high, but I have nothing to show for it. I guess by lowering my expectations, by accepting that I am a nobody, I can begin the cycle over.

Can I do that? After all I've said to Melissa, I still cling tightly to all my dreams and expectations. It might happen regardless, whether or not I consciously decide to. We will have to wait and see.

In other news, I have found out something very disheartening today. Which is why I picked the title of this post. I really don't know what to say. All this time? It's interesting how misunderstandings can arise. It makes me wonder just what else there is going on about me that I don't know about. I never thought I was particularly somebody to be talked about, or even remembered all that much. Of the few friends I've made in high school, I cling to them the most. That they hold me in such regards, I could not thank them enough. That they'd be willing to hang out and talk, even if I have to be the one to take the first step, is enough to make me happy. All my life, I was never the center of attention. I don't try to be. I've kind of moved through life in the background. I guess that's why I've never missed my friends all that much back in junior high. I just moved on; place to place, school to school, taking joys in what I had at the time. I never expected to make a lasting impact on anyone. But I've found that, in some way, I do. Whether or not I realize it. It makes me wonder about all those who have committed suicide out of loneliness. Do they ever realize that, perhaps, their life was worth something to someone? Although suicide in my contemplations isn't an uncommon train of thought, I have never thought it would, for a second, ever solve anything. I would just curl up on my bed, with chococat of course, and try to sleep. Most of the time it works (because I'm such a lazy ass), and I go through an emotional reset while I sleep.

My own perception of myself seems vastly different than what others think of me. For better AND worse. I am always surprised, in any case, to find out what people really think. I wish people could be straightforward all the time. I really like Jenny's bluntness, even if it's not what I want to hear. Melissa likes to join in on that from time to time as well.

In any case, I think my self-esteem can really go no lower. It is best to get that realistic picture of myself I keep telling Melissa about so that I can finally begin living.